Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.
it took 14 months, 42 countries, cast of thousands to make this video.
very heart-warming. world peace.... ;)
let's do the matt dance sometime?...
check out the website here www.wherethehellismatt.com
many times, i tried to work my time according to my own desire. but somehow, it's always being decided by others. i've tried to ignore & don't care. i guess, i'm just too accomodative sometimes. i should act tough, at least as how i look...many said i look cool, fierce & arrogant. actually, i'm totally opposite. haks.. mystery is unsolving by itself. i'm no longer cool...
i've just woke up from my sleep about 2.5hours ago at 4pm. yea, it's bad but i really needed some sleep. and, i dreamed that i walked into a morgue & got stranded within the dentistry machines! weird ~ time to pick up some dead bodies? time to visit my dentist? ohya, my wisdom tooth! hmm...
i was working throughout the past 3 days without a proper sleep & meal time. last night, i was rushing some work for a client till 7am this morning. i only manage to take my breakfast, lunch & dinner all at once at close to midnight at 11pm. but i needed to, to endure it, cos' i've given my word. so i decided to wait for her to arrive in the office to confirm receiving the mail. their email system is somewhat screwed up. just like 2 days back when i promised to deliver the work first thing on monday morning, which i did. i worked through sunday night, emailed at 6am. knowing that the timeline is not to our advantage and the feedback was required by noon in order to meet the deadline but... until 2.30pm the email was not even arrived yet! so we'd wasted 3/4 of the day waiting for the email. so re-sent and finally the feedback came back in the evening. there goes my nights. cos' i have other 2 urgent deadlines to catch the next day. damn...
imagine, i was so busy that i actually didn't have time to smoke. a blessing in disguised?
and sometimes, i wonder why do people take advantage of other's precious time while not allowing people to share theirs. does their time more precious than ours? is their time running at 45seconds and not 60? these people are pretty selfish & inconsiderate. they will let you into the swirl of hopes and then "missing in action" momentarily. then jump back into your life again when you're about to let go & forget then expect you to give the immediate attention. it's sweet at times, it's bittersweet and i don't like it. i prefer to live in certainty and not in a state of full of "hopes".
while i may not be the best man when comes to time management but i've never missed any of my working deadlines with any of the clients. in fact, i would rather miss my hot dates cos' when it comes to promises made, i'll do every mean to keep it. well, on the other hand, i'm known for being late for any dates. irregardless the girl is hot or not, short or tall, slim or fat. hang on, for the fat ones, i would usually skip the appointment! i've let girls waited for me for more than 4 hours before while i was trying to "finish" my urgent work in the office. and i've never been early in any of my first dates. usually, i would late by 15min. yes, i'm bad. when it comes to attending dates, i think, i'm a woman. other than that, i'm perfectly musculine ;)
i love to squeeze everything i can into my "free" time and make it seems like "on the way" or "by the way" thing. so i "waste" no time. like when i'm driving, i love to be on the phone. when i'm heading to a location, i love to cover some other areas so i could find a better way next time and check out the scenery. i love to have my meal and watch tv or shows at the sametime. i love to check out other shops when i'm in the mall even if i wasn't planning to buy. i love to go thru all the groceries when i'm in a hypermart. i'm on the way, anyway...
most people says i'm too calm when comes to deadlines & problems and they can never notice the anxiety on my face. certainly, i have my own anxiety, i do lose sleeps over matters but i would never show. cos' when you're to lead a team, you must not send the wrong signal down. i love to plan, strategize the situation, forecast the disaster. so when any mischap do happens, i already have the solutions in hand. nothing is a problem, when you've the solutions.
so shouldn't i just lay back and relax a little? ya, ya, provided if i have the time... damn... :)
omg.. this week is such a packed week with lots of "first" & "new" happenings. i was busy like a dog, mind stuck like a pig. but i still managed to laugh a little from the little wonders i could get. i believe, sometimes we just need to learn to look at the tiniest things to find the greatest laughters we can get.
it's a good week after all. firstly, puma's first roadshow has finally kicked-off over the weekend. they have also given me another new task. then received a new job order from a different department from an existing education client, which is not very usual. but thanks to the those that have faith in me. well, i'm just done with the creative visuals a couple of hours ago, emailed at 2am. then finally, the most awaiting confectionery client has agreed to award me a new campaign with 2 further new projects. 3 new orders from 3 new clients, it's not bad. missing dinner is all worth it when someone has faith in you... well, i had dinner at 12am a moment ago, alone again, and that's not new ;)
and now, i'm rushing for the local gaming giant's creative for calendar. it's a pitch campaign, hopefully hearing another good news soon. it was rejected earlier, and now i'm reproposing a totally new concept. something to do with bull? err... yes, i'm taking a break from the jam-packed schedule to pen this down. tonight, is a non-sleep night. i got to finish the job in order to hit my deadline tomorrow. i guess, next month i must hire some fellas to help me before i turned into a hunchback of advertising.
funny thing is this week, most of the people i met were taller than. well, girls basically. while was conducting the induction for the roadshow, out of 4 promo-girls, 2 were taller than me. on friday night, i had an unplanned clubbing trip with my good friend of 20 years. we were supposed to only have dinner & chill at his place to check out his newly bought puppy, leila. then as usual, this happening fellas got his special invitation to clubs again. so he dragged me along, it was meant to be a 2-hour thing. as usual, unplanned, we spent longer than that. when we're at the club, heritage mansion, he introduced his 4 girlfriends to me, out of 4, 3 taller than me. i can't really remember their names already, as usual again. then we moved on to poppy garden for a quick round, while we're about to leave, bumped into my other girlfriends, out of 3, 2 taller than me. what the hell?! all these girls were like 5'8/5'9 and with 4-5 inch heels. what's wrong with the people these days? what do they eat actually?! ok ok, i'm height-challenged. but i played basketball for my school?! ok, must be the food. i don't eat that much when i was young. i should have. or i should have worn heels too! damn...
but i had very fulfilling saturday, nonetheless. haven't been this relax for a longest time. now, honeymoon weekend is over, time to get my arse glued to my working chair again... it's a working sunday and it's a father's day. what did i give to my dad? a text message & quick call. what did i get from my kiddos? a bunch of shit. but that's all i need from them ;)
how i wish, tomorrow is a holiday... hmm... strange... i never wish for holidays... but... i guess, i do need one soon.
let's face it everyone lies. in fact, it's a part and parcel of our life. it's just another form of communication. an essential tool for selling & conviction.
i'm not saying i condone lying. i dislike liars but i hate lousy liars even more! you need to have skill when it comes to lying. in fact, so much so that lying has become an art. i mean, since 99.99% of the world population lies, we have no choice but to accept it. what's the 0.01%? they are vegetable lying in the hospital bed.
but nothing beats lousy liars with hypocrite kindness and cosmetic righteousness. i despise them so much so that i would rather save the thousands ants in my bathroom, one by one and let hypocrites drown in the toilet bowl. it's the worst form of human kind. truly self-righteous, no shame & despicable! in fact, they shouldn't even be using their mouth for communication. their mouth should only be used to complete the empty space below their nose and nothing more.
so we need skills when it comes to lying. but what is a good lie? why not let's examine the bad lies first?
example 1:
rumour has it that malaysian prime minister, a recent widower of 1 year is dating again.
malaysian pm: i'm not remarrying, and i have no lover. It's all rumour!
3 months later, he's married to his dead wife's brother's ex-wife.
reporter: but you said, it was all rumour?
malaysian pm: it's rumour because the marriage date was not correct.
example 2:
malaysian pm: no, there will be no election this year. it's all rumour.
the next morning, he announced parliament is dissolved. general election is next month.
reporter: but you said, it was all rumour?
malaysian pm: because we had submitted to the king but it's not approved yet.
example 3:
during general elections, many politicians made promises. it's known fact that fuel price always increase right after elections.
malaysian pm: there won't be any fuel rise after we win the election!
2 & 1/2 months after elections, the government announced fuel increase in the historic high of 41%!
example 4:
speculations has been going on that the fuel will increase.
malaysian pm: we'll study it and will not burden the public.
(3 june) domestic trade minister: foreigners are ban to fill petrol in the country, 50km radius from the border. it's to give the benefits back to the people.
(4 june, morning) domestic trade minister: fuel will not increase, and will review it in august.
(4 june, 5pm) malaysian pm: fuel will be increased 41% starting midnight and electricity will increase up to 26% from july onwards. but it's still among the cheapest in the region (while comparing to singapore, thailand, japan etc., the non-petroleum producing countries)
reporter: but government said it's only in august?
malaysian pm: do you think it's easy for us to announce this? it took us 4 hours this morning to discuss this. 4 hours you know? it's not easy!
(5 june) domestic trade minister: there is no question about foreign-registered cars enjoying the subsidy anymore. the ban has been lifted.
these are just some classic examples, of course there are more. it's malaysia, everything is possible. we call our land the bolehland, boleh means can/possible in malay language. every rumour is usually 99% truth, 1% might just due to natural disaster.
i promised myself before that i don't discuss politics here but... the aftermath of bad decisions made by voters is just too overwhelming. for the record, i voted opposition. anyway, can someone tell me where can i get a voodoo doll? i need to pin someone out of his political career...
we have lousy liars but they will only succeed when they have naive believers, some call them kind listeners. or audiences that have been paid off, showered with jewels, rewards & free holidays or even a cheap ticket for some play or theater...
after all, trust is a choice. some people just choose to believe even when they know very well that, that crook is full of bullshit. giving the benefit of the doubt? i doubt it. it's just purely dumb. sorry, i've no respect for hypocrites and his/her shit-followers.
i shall continue this topic some other day... these hypocrites make me headache. i shall talk about the liars among us. probably more related to relationships, at least it's more fun. perhaps also will help some to master their lying skills... who knows...
till then... have fun learning a thing or two from our 'beloofed' prime minister of bolehland, perhaps smile a little... ;)
oh, i forgot to mention that abdullah ahmad badawi, our 'cute' malaysian prime minister has quite a few cute nicks bestowed by the people. perhaps, he should consider them for his msn messenger. shall list some here for your enlightenment:
- bodowi - bodoh means stupid in malay language.
- sleepy head - he dozed off many times during parliament and official functions, numerous pictures were captured.
- the father-in-law - his son-in-law was 'rumoured' to be influential to his decision making.
- biadapwi - biadap means rude & arrogance in malay language.
- flip-flop - pls. refer to the above events for enlightenment.
i quite like 'flip-flop'. sounds very hip-hop & it has "energy" in it ;)
i'm a very passionate person. when it comes to ideas, opinions, dreams, friends & any relationship. and that sucks.
i care for everyone around me, and i offer assistants & advises unconditionally. and sometimes i get too passionate that i lost my sleeps due to anxiety, nervous & worry. and i get pounding headache.
when you know someone that you care for is walking into a trap, as a friend you advise, explain, warn & warn. ultimately, you have to respect the decision that he/she's gonna make. but on the other hand, you know storm is on the way and trees will be fallen. that leaves me very helpless.
when your friend's in trouble, you'll be there to offer solutions & support. you will even lay down the plans & seek for potential rewards or jobs on his behalf.
but sometimes, i could be too passionate in offering my "services" that resulted me being nosy. why do i need to care so much? why do i need to care when someone don't even care? is it because i'm just a busybody? hmm... maybe i am. maybe i just have too much time for others.
is it because that i really care for the person? or is it because that i'm just a plain bitter aging man? sometimes i wonder it myself. but deep down inside, i know, shit is coming and i couldn't help myself but to tell someone. and often, the good words were never taken in well by others. it's exactly like chinese saying "good advises are often bounce off the ears" or "a gentleman's speech is often misquoted by a small man"...nonetheless, i could be just a bitter aging man.
i couldn't sleep not because i don't want to sleep. i'm exhausted but i couldn't sleep cos' i'm embarrassed for being nosy. i'm disturbed for knowing the fact that someone that you care is walking into quicksand... but how would i know that? trust me, i know. that's my gift and also my curse. and that slashes my heart.
maybe i should just walk away, be ignorant of the potential woes that they might face. let them experience it themselves. i might still gain their respect for respecting their freedom in making choices, whether it's a good or a bad one.
i should learn to not bother.
i should learn to act dumb.
i should learn to remain silent.
i should learn to reserve my advises.
i should learn to be selfish of solutions.
but....seriously, these can't pass my conscience.
i should disappear for a while, 2 years sounds like a plan... i should just rest my case, perhaps...
never ask me how many girlfriends i've had. never ask me what number are you. cos' i will never tell, i can never remember or rather i choose not to number my exes. after all, this is one "achievement" that i believe i should never claim. girlfriends were never my trophy, if i may add. most of my exes are still very good friends to me, and we still care for each other very much. hence, numbering is just a very demeaning way to appreciate a good friend. i mean, do we actually number our best friends? "chris, you're my number 2 best friend!" hmm...that's bad, really disrespectful.
we all have come a long way in the relationship issues. each affair teaches us something, so naturally our next partner should always be better than the last. however, i notice some people actually fall into the trap of the loneliness-anxiety. hence, fall for someone or literally the next one, anyone, basically. to make matter worse, convincing & lying to ourselves that this is the one. i was told, for someone who's willing to lie to himself/herself, this person is a very sad person, a very lonely person.
and on the other occasion, my senior, a girl tried to console me after i got out from a very bad relationship. it was about 13 years back. she said this to me "do you love her because you love her? or do you love her because you're lonely?" shit! that struck me on the spot, and this has become my bench mark question for every relationship.
we just have to be wise when getting ourselves into the next relationship. but first of all, we need to decide what kind of relationship are we looking for? a get-to-marriage relationship? a companionship? or just simply a purely sexual relationship? then after we've recognized what our desirable relationship to be, the next thing is to choose the right person.
but who is the right person? we ask ourselves many times. to me it's very simple, most importantly is there must be a stimulant effect between us. some call it, chemistry. i rather simplified to "excitement & adrenaline rush". no need special reasons, no need to conduct comparison with the peer. this stimulant could be in a form of physical, conversational, emotion etc. ultimately, this stimulant is to keep the excitement going, keep the adrenaline of curiosity rushing. but this adrenaline must never, never come from material, status or background... these are simply artificial and frankly speaking, easily attain and easily vanish.
irregardless of what kind of relationship we're getting into, the most important factor is a simple respect for another human being. they say respect is to be earned, i say it's bullshit talking! it must go both ways. you must give only you'll gain, you must respect someone then only someone will respect you. the moment someone tells you "you need to earn my respect", he/she has zero repect of you. this person is self-righteous, demeaning, has literally no respect for others and has the lowest form of moral values.
anyway, how he/she talks & treats to you, means a lot. the language they use, the tone they use, the actions they take. it demonstrates how much this person values you. when i meant value, i meant the respect value.
chauvinism is one fatal point for men. that's one way to determine the respect value he's given to another girl. when a man, sms/text a girl who he had never been out on a date with to drop over his house on her own, by herself, in the middle of the night and claimed that he has high moral value, to me it's utterly bullshit. he's not only being disrespectful, un-gentleman & inconsiderate, he's treating the woman like a whore! it sounds more like a "24hr happy meal delivery" commercial from an escort/call girl agency. whatever the motives & methods were, it's just so wrong! it's unforgivable! ~~ uh-hmph...hey, don't try to kid us, we know your motive. ok? ~~ unless, this relationship was purely sexual or transactional then, "happy meal" it is!
and for women or men, who always try to insinuate that the other is a whore or a potential cheater, and constantly calling/texting the other even knowing that she/he is out with friends gives no respect to ones freedom, privacy & space. it shows how shallow this person would be in the future, she/he's simply bitter & calculative and lack of self-esteem. worst of all, without self-respect, after all the choices were made by him/herself and she/he's contracting her/himself. purely pathetic. when she further compares this new man with others in terms of monetary, career, status, background or the potential wealth, this girl is just simply untrustworthy and a pure opportunist. these days, many men do the same too!
there are 2 types of players in general. the one that uses his personal charisma, charm, language, etiquette to get close to the next prey. this type still have a little sense of "ethic". on the other hand, you have the type of men who use power, money, status & peer group to "buy" the girls. the latter is the worst kind, he's a self-proclaimed "charity organization". in their mind, money power dominates. he thinks when he pays & flashes, he's actually doing favor for that girl. in the other words, every woman has a price tag. no other girls is worthy enough cos' he believes he can always "purchase" another heart. do our hearts have a price? certainly not, our love is priceless! actually, deep down inside it's a very sad story, he knows without materials he's nothing but a piece of human skins, and probably smells.
hmm... bottom-line is, we should always make sure our next one is better than our last. but only the one who gives you the respects that you deserve, deserves you. you're not for sale for the weight of his gifts, or the color of his credit card, or the shape of his car, or the size of his house. you will only be sold by the value of respect he's giving you...
good night & have fun...
with a very heavy heart, "fifteen" is dead. her meaow~~ will always be remembered.
it could be my negligence after all. cos' i keep thinking she will be fine. assumption is the mother of all fuck-up, yes, it's. procrastination is the mother of all screw-up, yes, it's.
today i decided to take her to vet after seeing her getting weaker. time were just not on my side, i was busy yesterday. so i decided to take her to see vet today, she was meaowing~ & meaowing~...
on my way to the vet, then i realized my car's temperature was rising so rapidly that i had to pulled over. i was already driving like a mad cow to the vet and this thing has to happen. so, spent about 15min cool off the car, filled up the radiator. i'm such an idiot, the radiator is empty! and "fifteen" was meaowing~ in the car, so i said, give me some minutes ok? finally it took me another 5mins to get the car moving. driving like a bull-dozer this time, and some drivers are just idiot! finally reached the vet, and the vet is closed. ooo...my mother's lord! and i noticed "fifteen" was sleeping so peacefully in the carrier. i tilt the carrier a little, she flipped over like a statute. no! she's not resting, she's dead...it's 5.40pm now and pouring... damn. damn. damn.
it's my fault at some point for sure, i was procrastinating, i was taking for granted. now the only thing, i could do for her was to give her a decent funeral, at least. it was pouring very heavily, was it a cry from the heaven for this tiny little cute road-runner? i'm not sure but i was driving like father who was anxiously to get home to his spend the final fifteen minutes with his child.
got home, the area was dry but sky was dark. knowingly the storm is coming. i wrapped the little fella with tissues, like little mummy. drizzle started, and i started digging the ground of my pathetic garden. it's like a drama, all funeral has to be done in the raining, and i'm just another actor. an actor of this sad ending set in a gloomy & rainy sky.
while i was managing the final moment of "fifteen", my 5 year-old neighbor was came over. beyond the fence, she started talking to me as usual. her naiveness about death & pets actually lighten me up ;)
---
"uncle edwin, uncle edwin where is the kitten?" (must you always call me uncle?)
>> "here, in the cage"
"can i see her? can i play with her?"
>> "no, emily"
"why not? please......", with her cute whining.
>> "bcos she's dead."
"why? why can't play with her?"
>> "bcos she's dead & gone to heaven. she can't move anymore"
"can i touch her pls?"
>> "no, i need to bury her.", continuing wrapping her with tissue paper.
"what are you doing? you're wasting a lot of tissue"
>> "i'm wrapping her so she can go to heaven"
"really? she'll go to heaven?"
>> "yes, she will."
"but you're wrapping her, she can't move already."
>> "...."
"can i touch her please? what are you doing?"
>> "i'm digging a place to bury her"
"ohh...you're so strong"
>> "...." (hahaha)
"ok ok, that's deep enough"
>> "...."
"why don't you put her in front of my house?"
>> "here is fine"
"why don't you bury her here, nearer?", she pointed the spot next to the drainage, next to her house.
>> "it's ok. it's tiring to dig again", i smiled (i lied)
"can i touch her pls?"
>> "sure", i passed her the wrapped body.
"i like her dead" she squeezed a little of the body "i'm scared of the cat. i like cat but they move too fast"
>> "but if she's dead, you can't play with her anymore"
"...." she's quiet for a moment finally. (i won..yea yea~) "can you pass me the cage pls?"
>> "no emily. it' raining now. go home." i showed her my father-talking-to-daughter-face.
---
i had a good laugh, and started cleaning the remains of "fifteen".
rest in peace, my "fifteen" the brave road-runner. you've been an inspiration to me. i shall now treasure every fifteen minutes i have. heaven awaits you, rise and shine, and be a princess in your after-life...
a little poem for you:
fifteen minutes of your life,
touched my soul, sent me a light,
while fifteen is merely a number,
but it gave me reasons to remember,
rise & shine, the road-runner,
run faster,
dance harder,
with the move of needle,
you're remembered,
you've inspired lives,
fifteen minutes, determines a new life.
hmm...it's been a while, been really busy with some jobs in hand. running almost like a headless chicken but it's a blessing in disguised.
besides, the usual hoo-ha of the never ending revisions of the same freaking visuals from my property client. a little bad news i received 2 days back, my proposed visuals for one of the important clients was declined. but......no bad news is as bad as the 41% petrol hike! i've been winning pitches to develop calendars against some established players for this local gaming 4D giant for the past 2 years. this will be my 3rd year, so it's rather important to continue my legacy... or winning or sustaining my pocket. client said i set the standard too high, hence for the past 2 years, my work has been the bench mark for the pitch. this is not really a good news! cos' everyone is copying my style & work. and i saw that literally! meaning, i'll have to break out from my own again. this mean, i'm stuck. i got brain dead suddenly. guess, i need to sleep badly, my ideas usually comes from my dreams... unlike some weirdo advertising freaks claim that their insight will only arrive when taking a dump... anyway, the new deadline is next friday, no more extension. this weekend is no longer a calm weekend...
anyway, my new client, puma has decided to kick-off a recruitment drive for its coming futsal competition. it's gonna be really exciting. which means, i shall be busy for this entire month. worth it! i love puma, i've been a die-hard puma shoes lovers. it's definitely the coolest thing to be able to work for the brand.
however, my car has not been behaving lately. it has been experiencing engine died-off when the car is idled, puzzled me for days. then finally i decided to lift the bonnet to examine it. then i realized the most hilarious thing is there was not even a drop of engine oil left!! yes, i might be smart in a lot things but when it comes to car, i'm a big idiot. that's for sure the least manly part of me and i don't really care as long the car looks good from the outside, takes me to places, i'm just not so much a car-doctor myself. so i filled up the engine with one full bottle of the engine oil, let's see how it goes. definitely, i will have to drive at the slow drivers lane, that's uncool for sure.
so, since my car was without engine oil and i had to walk to buy my dinner. it's not a long walk, just about 2km. i can manage the distance, i've put on some inches now but not at the right part... while i was about to cross the road, i saw something shocking. a tiny little cute kitten was in the middle of the road! cars were coming from both sides. i charged into the road, stopped the cars from both sides and yet i tried to do it with a grace, i picked up the kitten gently and placed her onto the side of the road. the kitten was definitely less than 2 weeks old. she still have the "baby milky" scent and she is barely 5 inches long! i stood there, waiting for the cat-mother to come to look for the kitten. but no adult cat was nearby, and the kitten is keep wanting to cross the street. i walked around that area but saw no cat. i couldn't leave her there, she could die in minutes by trying to do her heroic road-runner stance...pep
so i had no choice, after 15 minutes of waiting & searching i took her home, fated i guess. i'd decided no more cat for me, i've already had 7 cats before this little road-runner. although, cyon was my last surviving cat, i decided not to get a company for her. after all, my slutty cyon is always out looking for some hot-rods. but lucky thing is she always comes back to her real boy friend, my fat boy ;)
so road-runner came into the house, cyon was anxious, immediately showing her hostility. while husky the fat boy was in his usual self, ever willing to have more 'friends'. but i suspected "fifteen" is having cock-eye. well, i temporary named her "fifteen" since she used up 15 mins of my traveling time. i was already very hungry, cos' i only had 3 slices of bread, since morning. i noticed her eyes were looking at opposite directions. do animal have cock-eye too? hmm... but she's tearing mostly, i reckon tomorrow need to take her to vet, have a look. or else, i afraid she might turn blind. she seemed rather active anyway, so i think she should be fine.
i shall keep her for a few days, then decide what to do with her. she needs her mother, newly born kitten & puppy must stay with the mother for at least 8 weeks or else they will be nutrient deficient.
so again, i walked to get my dinner, yes, i remember, i bought her some milk on my way back home...
i heard there is a viral fever going on in the city currently. some of my clients are ill too, on-off fever. well, i'm still having some residue aches from the backache yesterday. today, i have this fever-like joint pain & fingers coldness, well, whatever...i'll be ok.
i wonder why do i get a bit chatty these days, perhaps, i'm just lonely..haks! well, i supposed so, even when i called for SOS, i didn't get help even from my closest pal. i was weak, had no strength & feeling nauseous to get food on my own, called my best pal to pick me up for dinner, saying that i would take a nap first while he could finish up whatever he's doing. cos' i was told "don't worry pal, we live so close. since you live alone, i'll be there when you need me." so i took his word for it, well, i'm very naive sometimes. when i choose to believe someone, i believe 150%.... but he wants to be a good son and have dinner with his mom, so he chose to let his best pal die in hunger with fever....!
ok, yes, i admit i was behaving a little 'too' vulnerable, you know fishing for sympathy when you're ill. that's our luxury when we're sick, isn't it?? but damn! it didn't work a bit at all! men just never take bait from another man, shit. too bad i have no boobs and too bad he's not gay either! the next thing you'll see, will be me lying on the bed with sunken in face still waiting for the food. the world is rather unfair isn't it?
then my the other best pal, who i only manage to meet 3 times in the last 9 months while he only lives less than 15km from me. forever not free. i'm kind of given up on calling him. calling him for life emergency will be totally wasting my final moment of my life. i think by hoping "one of the passerby could/might be a hottest chick that i would spend my remaining few minutes with" is a more optimistic thinking/death wish... sometimes, i wonder, why guys' BFF can't be like girls' BFF? ooo..am i too women now? too sensitive to be a guy now? after all, keeping in touch, and giving & taking one step to/from each other are the key for maintaining any relationship. can't be taking/waiting all the time right? no? anyway, who cares when you do? why care when others don't? i'm just bitchy & sensitive they would say, wait till the circle is reverted then we'll see.
now you know, i'm not that popular as most people think i'm...or i usually make mistake in choosing who i want to be vulnerable with? i'm such an idiot...haha
then i have this craving for french fries again, some weird thing i crave when i'm not too well. just need something out-of-the-ordinary sickman food to satisfy my depreciating ego i guess. after all, savory food makes a sickman happy ;) french fries it is then! and on the way to mc donald's suddenly remember, this awesome chicken rice shop is still open, so what the hell, chicken rice & french fries. sound weird eh? chinese chicken rice with garlic chillies meets salty crispy french fries plus coke. it rhymes anyway, chicken rice meets french fries, sounds like a match! i finished my fries before even i reach home. yummy ~ then sipping the chinese soup then coke with my "gossip girl", kind a like this drama, cute. done 10 episodes today, 8 more to go for tomorrow...
oh..by the way, added this chat box feature here... i was told by some friends that they were shy to leave comments. saying my posts were too intelligent for them to leave comments which would make them look less than average...well, whatever, it sounds like a compliment and a critic at the same time to me.
anyway, leave message there when you can... hmm... my loneliness is really showing... ooh. i'm such a fine specimen of 'attention deprivation syndrome'... ;)
damn....my back hurts like shit! from last night till today.
and it's bothering me the whole freaking day!
i'm fucking frustrated today, freaking bad mood!
almost slam my computer when it moved so damn slow...
oh...man, im so cranky today.
i feel like my waist has dislocated from my spine.
or my spine is not joined with my waist.
basically, i can't feel my back!
i can't stand or sit properly with this back.
this is shit. this is the time that i really need painkiller!
but no, i think i need a sleep, on the floor...
how i wish i'm having fever, at least i know what to do with it, just pop some pills and sleep it through. but i can't sleep either, the moment i hit the bed, within 10min i would jump up and knowingly, there's things in my mind and that i have tons of things to do, to chase.
just like today, i wanted to rest, on & off the bed for like 7-8 times. and my eyes are piercing pain too! but i have deadlines to deliver and i have a meeting to attend at 7pm, and i've just got back from the meeting, it's 10pm now...
i need a shower then chill & rest. but hell no! i still have to walk my son even if my waist is dislocated from my pelvic. damn!
boy, must you shit outside the house?
boy, can you go to shit by yourself in the garden?
daddy is sick and still have to worry about your shit?!?
why must you give me your 'cute face'? gosh, i'm walking you to shit now. ok ok...
can someone just kill me now??
~ my cute fat boy ~
~ private moment ~
~ the face of satisfaction ~
the first time when i saw your smile
it's when my strength began to melt
i tried to figure out what's the meaning
then i gave up digging it
when i realized the meaning is nothing
compare to the time we are sharing
the first time i heard you smile to my ear
it's the move i've waited for years
i know i've got my heart a new chain
while i try to break it
then i realized i'm enjoying this train
you're leading me to your sweet terrain
every time i hear you on the other end
it's amazing, the sound freezes me to bend
i know it's not a confusion of soul
i want to conclude it
while i trapped within your magical swirl
truth is i'm mesmerized within this tunnel
and, every time when i don't hear you
it's my mind, unconditionally sway to you
growingly, but i want to deny i'm addicted to you
everyday, i'm trying to convince myself to it
radically, while i try to unbreak myself from you
i then found myself back to when i first saw you
i've been having headache lately, the pain stretch from the back of my head, neck to my shoulder. it has gotten so regular that i even have a "schedule" for my headache now. it occurs between 8pm - 10pm on the daily basis or right after my dinner. also read,
i used to have headache problem when i was working for my ex-agency but it was understandable cos' i was a junior back then in the no.1 advertising agency in the country. so naturally, i was to give my best & work extra harder to cover back the "missing years", so i worked for about 12 -16 hours daily and left the office at 12midnight. my "lucky days" would be leaving office at 9pm. and sometimes up to 2am or don't sleep if needed. so headache stayed with me sometime or whenever i was stressed. i never like to tell people i have migraine, i find migraine is an overstatement and often being abused by most people, so i assume it was just a normal headache caused by stress & lack of sleep.
over the years,
i did some research and i was surprised that i could probably having a combination of migraine headache & tension headache all these while with several others. there are many
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
it's also known that
so, it's quite certain that i have tension headache due to my work, facing monitor for long hours, lots of future planning & thinking (perhaps thinking too much of someone?) and irregular meals or eat take-out too much. i could be having migraine headache too, cos' i usually get very sensitive to glare & really hate noise, but soothing voices from someone dear soothes me greatly. so potential nagging wife stay away from me, please.
at least, i'm now certain that why every time after drinking red wine i get headache & flush, guess i'm histamine intolerance. so no more red wine for me, can someone pass me a glass of whisky-coke please? ;)
...sunday, diarrhea 5 times! could be gastric recurring...i used to have
...monday, feeling feverish, lethargic. it could be due to the crazy weather. it's extremely warm & humid these days. it was 34C! madness! while the predicted air temperature was between 24C - 33C. it actually shot higher than that. very unusual. on saturday morning, i installed 2 units of air conditioner right after i woke up and realized that it was 33C at 11am morning. but my a/c is down! madness! what a luck...and i heard one of the worst
...tuesday, finally, i'm down with fever, expected. must be the weather! i could already feel it coming few days before. i couldn't afford to rest, few deadlines were packed back to back for tuesday. i just had to pull myself together and complete it. after all, my reputation is at stake. a little headache & temperature won't kill me. well, at least i manage to deliver my deadlines and clients are happy. popped 4 panadols before i went to bed, hoping the next day will be a better day. so, tom-yam was the best dinner you should take when you're having fever, cos' it makes you perspire like a cow!
...wednesday, today, still suffering from the residue effect from fever. i knew it, panadol just simply never work on me. recomposed myself in the morning, and i was surprised the efficiency of my technician that he was already waiting outside my house to fix my another a/c's problem. yes, the other a/c's gas leaked at last night. i was melting in my dreams. that's right, what a luck. but today i had a great meeting with my new client, puma. briefed me a couple of new & exciting projects lined up till the year end. it's gonna be an exciting year.
i just have this thing, when i'm around with people & things that i'm interested with, i get fired up and forgot all about my pain & sickness. i guess that's the reason why, i refuse to submit to my sickness to eat those "sick-man" food, such as porridge and soupy stuff...i will go for something that makes me happy and appear as an healthy man..haha...weird, i know.
anyway, since i can't get tlc at this hour, let's give panadol the benefit of the doubt, 2 more before i go to sleep...
i've recently bought myself a pda phone, my first. it's been the longest time since i wanted a pda phone but as usual i can be a little too fussy with the design, color, shape, functionality, size, weight & price factors...but my concerns are solved, finally...
i got myself a
this is actually the first version among the htc touch-series. a full-feature touch screen phone, it's simply known as
i simply love the design, sleek, stylish, clean & very thin not to mention it's covered with rubberised surface. and, it's extremely light for a pda. only 112g. but what really impressive was the 'touchFLO' interface, simply slide the finger up, left, right & down to access to the frequently used features. the favorite people's page is nice where it features all your favorite people's picture, a nice touch. it comes with 4 colours for gsm edition; black, white, wassabi green & burgundy. i wanted wassabi green it was damn classy, i was told it's limited and hard to come by. and my friend said, it was meant for gay, i don't really care, really. but i got the black at the end, cos that's the only color available, damn!
it was designed to counter iphone but i think it still has it's limitation comparing to iphone. anyway, i don't like iphone for the fact that it's just another powerful ipod or an extension of ipod craze, and it's too big for my pocket...well, i just don't fancy common things, and don't fancy common fanaticism. but i like htc touch...and yes, i'm still enjoying 'my touch' after 3 weeks.
but....i'm a little regretted after getting 'touch', cos'
breathe in breathe out
breathe in, breathe out
tell me all of your doubts
everybody bleeds this way, just the same
breathe in, breathe out
move on and break down
if everyone goes away, i will stay
we push and pull
and i fall down sometimes
and i'm not letting go
you hold the other line
cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
hold on, hold tight
if i'm out of your sight
and everything keeps moving on, moving on
hold on, hold tight
make it through another night
in everyday there comes a song with the dawn
we push and pull
and i fall down sometimes
and i'm not letting go
you hold the other line
cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
breathe in and breathe out
breathe in and breathe out
breathe in and breathe out
breathe in and breathe out
look left, look right
to the moon and the night
everything under the stars is in your arms
cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
performed by dedicated to someone across the straits...
featuring
gosh... today is definitely one of the most productive days in 2008.
plumber came at 9am, woke me up from my 4 hours of sleep. yes, i slept at 5am knowing that plumber was coming at 9am...but hey, i'm not a plumber i don't have to do the work, so what's the point of supervising? trust the professionals! as i've always believed...
by 11am, i was already like a dead man walking so i hit my bed knowing that there were 2 aliens in my house, mind you they were not as hot as those plumbers in 'desperate housewives', just a cold-face chinese man with his smiley malay assistant. so what's the point of supervising? anyway, 'desperate housewives' fail miserably in trying to portray the coolness in being a slutty housewives..so i couldn't be bother and went to my lalaland...
strangely, they were pretty efficient. by 1pm, they're done. i thought they would need at least 6 hours. the operation was, i would say quite tricky. my inner pipes have been leaking for months and my bill has come to a whooping Rm35 a month! that's 3 times of my normal bill! so the 'professionals' has to operate my rusty iron pipes and replaced it with new synthetic pipes and divert the fluids to a new & higher directions...haha....the operation is actually less obscene as i've describe.... ;) anyway, the improvement was tremendous and now i have cleaner h2o & a stronger thrust....
so...after the 2 pros left, professionals i should spell. i realized i need a major overhaul of the floors, it's full with milky foot prints. god, i need a maid, i exclaimed! then i thought, a short nap wouldn't be too bad.
i awoke with much despair when i realized, the foot prints & dust were still there. my french maid-fairy didn't clean it for me as promised. dragged my feet, armed my red vacuum cleaner, started inhaling the pile of dusts and of cos my boyboy's fur, damn. i was cursing my boyboy for being so cute & fluffy already! minutes later, packed myself with clorox, floor detergent (lavender frangranced, a mandatory), broom and i started sweeping. i hate sweeping...my nose can't handle dust that well, i would sneeze like an elephant! one hand squeezing my nose, one hand maneuvering my broom, and the other hand managing my dustpan. i suddenly turned an expert! with my 2 pale-soft-silky-smooth-skin hands, i managed to do 3 things at once, not bad :) and then came the most grueling part, mopping! i need a fucking maid! a fat one, a strong one, it's ok, i don't sleep with maid. so i don't need a fucking maid, i just need a maid.
now my shoulders are swelled from cleaning the entire 2 storeys. i'm really not cut for house work, seriously. so it's either a wife or a maid! ok, i'll take a fat maid and she does not need to be in french costume!
tonight, i shall rest my suddenly enlarged shoulders on my newly bought akemi bed sheet...280 thread count shall do the trick, it's gonna be a sweet dream...awesome :)
i walk, under tall
i move, little mile
i crawl, below snail
i sway, beneath fly
carry on, i asked
moving on, i cracked
standing here, i smeared
climbing up, i grieved
continue, i walk
just a stain of chalk
the fort, i built
just laughed by folks
championing, i craved
striving, i grieved
deciding, i switched
closing, i matched
continue, my dream
merely a dip of cream
fire, i ignite
merely a soul of desire
i walk, swell tall
i move, wheel miles
i crawl, mill nails
i sway, fly and fly
recently, i saw some of my friends broke down. myself was also in a little shamble zone. the challenges were not just about physical but emotionally troubled as well. we all had lost someone who was dear to us, or things, or expectations that we all desired and craved for. performed by
3 of my dear friends lost their grandmother last month, all within 2 weeks. i'm greatly affected by their lost.
i know how it feels exactly, i lost my beloved grandfather in my arms few years back. i was truly helpless, i was looking at the cardio reading, my eyes never moved an inch from the reading and i hoped that i had the supernatural power to keep the meter rising but it didn't. he was calling for me before he was in coma, i was not sure if i was his favorite grandson but he's my favorite grandpa and my hero for he who had went through great deal to become a great man he was before his passing. i know the pain, clearly & dearly, when seeing someone you loved & admired passing slowly in your arms while you can't do anything but just stroking the head, calling his name, watching the heart beat slowly fades to null. i didn't shed one tear at all, I wanted to but i couldn't. i had to be the pillar for my grandma and other family member who were in shock. i was in shocked myself. it took me exactly a year, to recognize that he's finally gone. on his one year anniversary, i finally cried. for the first time, in my life i cried in front of others. but i'm glad, i'm still breathing, that is the only thing i could do, keep breathing.
2 weeks ago, i heard a shocking news, someone that i knew, committed suicide and left behind a son. she was overdosed of pills and her body was found only 3 days later when friends broke into her home. i was never closed to her, but i wish i was. she must be very troubled, lonely & helpless to had driven herself to the edge. she was only 30, young, beautiful, adored by many friends. but i guess, we all had misread her. we took for granted for many things in our lives, i've learned before that we must not take things for granted, we tell & share our thoughts to the one we love as if there's no tomorrow. but for this instance, i guess, we're late. so all we could do is keep breathing, so to able to accomplish more to cover back our lost...
this month, i have heard many problems, and challenges faced by those who i care for. some problems were financially driven; some were the lost of directions in life; some were trapped within the studies, some were betrayed by closed ones; some were dejected for the hard work and didn't get pay off as they expected...while i can't do much for them but i could only try to be a great listener, and hopefully give them as much advises as i see deem fit, i could only be the pillar that they need, or at least, that's what i wish i could do...
sometimes we wish we could just give up, sometimes we wish we could just let go eveyrthing and move to an island, sometimes we wish we were never born, sometimes we wish could turn back the time, but all i wish to tell is, all we can do is keep breathing. as long we're breathing, we can hope, we can make changes. the only person that can bring you down is no one else but you. we have to believe in ourselves. believe is the strongest element we need, perhaps the only one that we need in achieving our dreams. so, all we have to do is keep breathing...
here's one beautiful song for you. "keep breathing" by
keep breathing
the storm is coming but i don't mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.
all that i know is i'm breathing now.
i want to change the world...instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you and me.
but all that i know is i'm breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
all that i know is i'm breathing.
all I can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
....and for grey's anatomy's fan, the grey's version...
this week is quite a week. been having insomnia for many days. barely slept 4 hours/day over the past 7 days. literally on standby mode till sunday...
this irregular sleeping pattern has made me lost of time, while i thought it's friday, it's already saturday. pretty bad...and i'm not proud of it.
my body is extremely exhausted however my mind is working like cheetah chasing the rabbits. i couldn't sleep, just too many things in my mind. work, career, finance, partner, clients, future prospect, offers, halt of projects etc...
i failed to be objective as i have and should always been. i was disillusioned by challenges, blinded by temptations. i was not able to focus and make decision objectively and efficiently,
and furthermore, my ever-solid confidence was deteriorating by seconds.
on thursday, i finally received an official note from my anchor client who contributes most of my company's revenue that the RM2.6million worth of project will be put on hold, indefinitely. and the overdue for 3 months might not be paid or till further notice. i've predicted the arrival but...
the first thing that came to my mind was, i must be naive enough to believe this windfall deal is happening in the first place. i was extremely moronic to even turned down all the great job offers i have been receiving for the past one year in order to hold on to this deal, which i had started planning since last july. and i was crazy & naive enough to hold on to my plate that barely serve 2 slices of bread daily for past 2 and half years. and i'm running against time. i just might be the
biggest fool who achieves nothing but complete the circle of a loser in 2 years time.
the wisest thing was to accept whatever offers in hand, and beijing was the only choice i have now. it's a fantastic offer to most people but for me, it's more like a rebound strategy, and i despise rebound choices. although, if i stay on fight for my company that single-handedly built
from zero dollars, i could still have chance to achieve my over zealous goal. few clients are already
queueing their jobs with me. but i lost my confidence, i'm no longer the confident & aspiring
executive i was once was. i just want to get out from everything, jump on the a ship and sail
away. i accepted the beijing offer on saturday, 5am.
but this decision didn't please me at all, instead i stayed awake throughout the day till next day mid night. i tried to sleep it off, trying very much to convince myself that beijing is a right move. i was in the situation where my head says: go, while my heart says: no. i got even more disturbed with this easy-way-out decision. i don't fancy beijing to begin with, and i don't like nokia phones, then the senior client was once my big boss back in grey worldwide and i know how stressful i would be to manage her. i remember those dark ages, i volunteered to manage one her projects but i was under appreciated and it tolled me from inside-out for 2 months, and due to my hectic schedule, my dog, a growing up puppy then had to live in the condition that today it cost his legs to have a minor defect, one thing that i really regretted in my entire life. and other little minor things that i irked was that i had to fork out (claim later) some rm10k before begining my duty. which, it should be managed by the company before i arrive.
on the other hand, i'm not satisfied with my performance with my company. i thought it
should be better now after 2 years of eating bread. i could see the prospects coming already,
if i were to let it go now then i would have to dissolve my company and give up everything that
i've built. is it worth it? but there is a potential series of challenges that i would face if stay back
to hold my fort. there's a high possibility that i would succeed and i might fold for good. both
percentage are equally high.
i know exactly what i want to do but at the same time i'm trying to find reasons to justify my actions. i just need someone to hear me talk but unfortunately i could not find the someone to hear my thoughts and my reasons. so i would just have to talk to myself and, i did. and no
conclusions derived...i guess, i supposed, i just need someone to tell me that i could do it even
if i chose the craziest path.
and luckily, i heard it finally.
i declined the beijing deal, once again. this time i'm more than serious.
and i've chosen the crazy path. but i'm relieved.
i would be more stressed, i know for sure. it's just another 2 more years. i will bite my teeth, hold my gum, i might lose more that i could imagine, but i could also win more than i could imagine.
but one thing for sure, i would retain my confidence back.
and i'm happy, relieved that i've chosen the craziest path.
now the up most task is to learn to enjoy my fore coming challenges.
the weakness in me
i'm not the sort of person
who falls in and quickly out of love
but to you i gave my affection right from the start
if i have a lover who loves me
how could i break such a heart
you can still get my attention right from the start
why do you come here when you know i got troubles enough?
why do you call me when you know i cant answer the phone?
make me lie when i don't want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
you make me stay when i should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?
why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by?
but i need to see you
and I need to hold you, tightly
baby
feeling guilty, worried
waking from tormented sleep
this old love has me bound but the new love cuts deep
if I choose now, I lose out
cause one of us has to fall
i need you and you aren't here
why do you come here when you know i got troubles enough?
why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone?
you make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool.
you make me stay when I should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?
you make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
you make me stay when I should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?
why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
when i need to see you
and i need hold you, tightly
baby
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