two steps

two steps forward, one step back.
sometimes, we move too fast.
sometimes we got to tilt back.
this just could be a better pave.

one step forward, two step back.
sometimes, we're too laid back.
sometimes, we got to go a steep
this place could worth the bet.

two steps forward or one step fore.
sometimes, we got to take a deep.
sometimes, we got to take a leap.
this doesn't require a plead.

two step back and one step back.
sometimes, shall just take a peep.
sometimes, shall just step back.
close our eyes, let it take its place.

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honesty could be the most disastrous decision?

when you've given your 100% trust to a person, open up fully and share your darkest history & secrets...

it's the scariest thing...

you can only pray & hope that this person will never use it against you and attack you when you're at your most vulnerable state...

p/s: and of cause, we always make this most disastrous decision when we're 'high'. :)

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Michael Jackson's final rehearsal...

michael had his rehearsal 2 days before his passing at the Staple’s Center in Los Angeles with his dancers for his "This is it!" London concerts that will never take place anymore.



check out how stringent the audition was. thousands of dancers were auditioned for his final act. those dancers were so excited and tearing when they got selected. i bet they must be crying right now too with michael's passing.



MJ's "This is it!" concert would have been the greatest show in decades. damn...

i guess if i have a time machine, michael would be the first person i would save ;)

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reassigning speed dials...

what's the purpose of speed dials? definitely is those that you call the most often. and these people are usually your BFF aka best friends forever, or simply said best friends. or just those numbers that you could reach out to in case of emergency, so family member's number will sometimes manage to squeeze into that exquisite top 9, well, some don't even have family members on their speed dials ~

but what if these speed dials don't answer your calls? or rather refuse to meet you after you've tried calling 9 times? are they still consider as your best friend and favorite people? or are we just being in denial, treating that party as best friends while they treat you like trash? a one-sided passion? truth hurts.. haks..

so it's time to reassign my speed dials, since i realized putting up those so-called best friends on my phone does look nice, and having 9 speed dials do give me a sense of security, as if i have 9 people to reach to in case of emergency. it does make me seem popular but at the end only make me less wanted.

so, reassigning the speed dials could as well mean reappointing your best friends...

too bad, there's only 5 persons in my family and i couldn't fill up the 9 available spots... what should i do? perhaps, just look for some so-called friends with nice pictures to beautify my speed dials ;)

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i dressed like a movie star to see the dentist

today, again, woke up in pain. it's been like this for a few days already. perhaps was having too much of oreo cheese cake! but it was yummy, i bought myself a whole oreo cheese cake as my birthday cake from the cheese cake legend - la manila, the birth place of the secret recipe chain.

i've been thinking, been preparing my mind. the pain was so severe that it made me pacing in a big circle aimlessly for about 5min! i decided today is the day, the day to have myself cut wide open by the demonic dentist.

i'm quite courageous person, afraid of no one, nothing but one - the dentist, seriously. perhaps was because when i was young, i was exposed to this horror movie called "the dentist". or rather, i was just simply a chicken when i knew i had to lie on the foam chair, looking into the spot light, allowing a stranger in mask spreading my mouth wide open while i have to pretend that i'm enjoying the intrusion through my precious lips, allowing him to peep into the back of my most active organ, and molest my white gems while pretending that he/she was my most trusted friend.

ok, this freaks me out.

so, i held my breathe, had my shower, gel up my hair, and put on my tight fitting black top, the ala movie star, took a most reluctant giant step out of the house. in my mind, i wanted to be my (almost) best, i should look my best even when i'm in pain ;) tried to charm my way through the clinic, especially the dentist with a wish that he/she would be gentle to me and most importantly charge me a cheap price cos' i know this will cost me a bomb. while hoping to see some hot nurses as in the nip/tuck to soothe my exploding level of anxiety.

unfortunately, there was only a fat indian female receptionist sitting alone in the first clinic that i visited. not a single hot nurse or hot patients, basically it look hauntedly empty. and worse still, the doctor was not even there and i need to make an appointment for tomorrow. i couldn't let my gungho-ness die down, i've prepared myself for this surgery for 2 years now. i'm super gungho today to have myself cut!! yes, i was first told by another dentist that i needed this surgery but i was such a chicken that decided to endure the pain...so i walk out, and "promised" to call back after asking the rough quotation for the surgery, she said, at least RM550 and depends on the complication.. wtf...?

i continued circling in the area looking out for other dental clinics, and storm was coming at the same time. at the back of my mind, why was the sky going against me today? adding salt to the wound?? then i saw this dodgy looking signboard, a malay owned dental clinic. i was thinking, a malay dentist is very rare, can he manage it? he can't even manage his signboard? the words were peeling off already... but i thought i should give it a try, since chinese & indian dentist usually charge exorbitant price. but there was no parking, i circle to the back of the shop, there was another dental clinic. this time round it was a chinese owned clinic. the signboard was green, and clinic name suggested that it could be another slaughter house. so the dodgy signboard, it is!

well, as expected, "this is bad" & "you're too late" were the 2 lines uttered by the malay dentist. he told that, my case was quite bad and explained to me that he couldn't cut me up today cos' it's swelling and it would bleed profusely should he perform the procedure on me. i need to extract the wisdom tooth and the other tooth that neighbor it (he miss out the top row's wisdom tooth, so it could be 3!!). but the worst was he said, he need to cut my bone! wtf....i almost piss in my pants already, thou i remained composed in my movie star costume. but deep down inside, my fingers had turn icy cold! but one thing calm me down was that, the quotation was rather soothing, minimum RM350 and every extra hour will be RM100 additional. after he prescribed me some antibiotics and painkillers, we set december 2nd for my bones to be cut and for him to dig into my gum.

anyhow, the painkiller doesn't work. and this time round,ponstan 500mg also failed on me. i could only console myself that antibiotic is working, and it is declaring war on the bacterias and germs in my gum, hence the parasites are retaliating...so, pain is a natural process, and soon the peace will arrive tomorrow...arggh....

now i just have to prepare my gungho-ness once more for the "opening ceremony". hopefully, i would be the G.I. Joe this time ;)

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dumb and hungry...and crazy perhaps...

How does it feel to have Temporary Intelligence Lost? How does it feel when you become stupid & blank in your mind abruptly?

I’ve always pride myself as a very intelligent person with IQ of 146… I’m not sure if that’s still valid since I’m no longer the same age I was 12 years ago. I’ve just got well from a very severe fever recently, or am i really well yet? I’m not sure what this fever has done to me exactly. But I realized one thing, I have very bad memory suddenly and my mind doesn’t function as fast as I want it to be, or rather I’m no longer a quick thinker as I was.

I used to regard as being overly smart is not a blessing but a curse. I still believe that. And, I wished that I was less smart. But I’m now very scared, I’m blank suddenly. I become the total opposite of my usual self. I’m no longer resourceful, no longer responsive to ideas, no longer a quick thinker, no longer a solution provider… I'm brain dead & hungry all the time. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I’m hungry constantly. I get hungry all over again 30mins after my meal! What’s wrong with me? Is it because of the antibiotic? I’m not sure, that stupid antibiotic makes my stomach weary all the time. Finally I’m done eating the last pill from the white bag. I hope I will no longer get hungry so rapidly… Frankly speaking, it freaks me to feel hungry all the time.

Anyway, I’m suddenly a very dumb person. I can’t think of solution as quick as I wish I was. I just get stuck and look into the thin air. Did I just got dumber? Perhaps, I’m. I’m very worried. In my line of duty, it’s my brain that makes money. Now, without it, I may just turn into a piece of wood that the only benefit was to grow mushroom. So this is how it feels being a dumb person…

Suddenly, I’m afraid to be dumb. Suddenly I wish to revoke my prayers that I wish I was less smart so to able to live a simpler life. Can I revoke my prayers now? I wish to be smart all over again…this fever has really burned & killed too much of my brain cells….damn… I may just become not only dumb but also crazy.

How does a person sound when he is crazy, dumb and also hungry all the time?? call me and you'll know... ;)

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i'm hungry as hell....

but i have no appetite at all...what's wrong with me? shit. this sickness is killing me. there's no more fever but the post-fever is eating me up...

i sleep more than usual, get tired easier than usual. i'm barely conscious more than 6 hours at one go, a day.
i get hungry too often, and i lost appetite after 3 bites. i barely finish half of every meal ordered.

and this antibiotic that i'm taking, it freaks me out. it makes me having gastric ache, those type of pain that i've never experienced before. my tummy get upset the entire day after eating it, whether i consume it before or even after meal. it has become a phobia to me, taking that antibiotic...damn. but i had to finish the course. what happens if i don't? will the bacterias live within me resurrect and start crawling out of my throat & nose?? or my anus??

did i mention i sound too sexy now with my nasal influenced voice too? now, my only free passage is also blocked...

i've been nicotine free for 7 days now! amazing? but i don't feel proud at all, cos i lost appetite in everything, even cigarette gives no kick to me.

this is bad, im really, really hungry now but i don't know what to eat.

eat to live is all i have to do now? omg...that's so sad... i need to find a new meaning to this life, seriously...

probably, it is not food that i'm hungry for...

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liberate your mind...

...or liberate the souls of others...

i wonder sometimes why do people like to snoop into other's life, interfering & setting rules to others that they seems deem fit while only adding burden & pressure to others. why do most people only think one-sided and so rigid? there are many possibilities in this world. we should always think from many angles, or at least, 2 opposite angles. is it that tough?

when we need to use our brain to think, most people don't. when things are just as innocent as it is, most people start to think, and often, too much.

do people know that setting rules for others and conveying revengeful message like "if you do this, i'll do this" is a form of harassment? worse still, accusing that our action has ulterior motives! it's done out of love, some might say. but shouldn't love embrace support, encouragement and trust instead of setting the dos & don'ts? to me, it's simply disrespectful to one's freedom... i detest it greatly and i will always retaliate to the very end...

we all live with different values, different cultures and different lifestyles. one's lifestyle may not seem suitable for others but what is a good value? as long it doesn't harm others i believe we should leave it as it is. but no, some people just love to tell people what's what and try to control others' every move, even for the simplest thing like who should we be out with for a sports outing. hmm...what a life eh?

i live my own rules and never follow general public's opinion, i'm a rule breaker. i follow my conscience and, it is always clear. i don't bow to others and only to god, well, HE's "away" most of the time ;) the rules that i've made are to ensure i live with no regrets. i don't have many regrets in life, so far. if i could remember, it would be that i've not done hard enough in pursuing my dreams, and still not able to give enough for the people that i love.

as long our "new" rules doesn't harm others i don't see the need for us to report. you don't have to follow my rules but just respect the rules of my life.

so, if you can't liberate your mind, then liberate those that you can't control...

oo...i'm sneezing now, someone must be cursing me again ;)

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so... this is how it feels...

this is gonna be a long post, pls. grab a coffee... i've been feeling like shit for the past few weeks, that explains why i was absence from here for 2 weeks. i'm trying to examine what's the cause of my melancholy self... perhaps, i'm having early menopause.

on second thought, it's july and august is coming. july & august have been my taboo month on annual basis, and it has never failed to spoil my life. i'm never a superstitious person, but this is weird, the coincidence is quite bizarre:

august, 2003 - i tendered my resignation from the no. 1 international advertising agency in the country which i had enjoy working with for 6 years due to i wish to stay away from all the politicking & power struggles. i simply hate backstabbers & politics.

july/august, 2004 - i volunteered to head a project for the local's largest bank, while i was another international agency which ranked top 3 in the country. it was a deadly decision as the team was meant to have 4 person but ended up i was all alone to "head" the "team". had to work night & day yet the country head was not even a bit of appreciative. as a result, i neglected my son, which caused him to have defunct leg formation. my greatest regret.

august, 2005 - joined a formerly no.1 film production house as general manager which was to tasked to rebrand the company to its former "glory". it turned out to be a fatal mistake, the "family-oriented" company is much ruthless than corporate. i quit few months later as i refused to be their butcher to my staffs.

july/august, 2006 - had a big row with my landlord who forcefully built an extension to the house i was staying and causing us to fall sick due to the dust. not to mention that the non-partisan property agent "turned" up to be the landlord's daughter!! then i refused to move out one month ahead from the contract expiry date. it resulted a stand-off situation that almost require police's intervention.

july/august, 2007 - almost died when move into this new house when i was cleaning the cabinet, the ceiling fan hit the cabinet and slashed my neck. the story was posted in "august ordeal" in 2007. also had to deal with the idiot ex-landlord who refused to return my deposit when i moved out, which inspired me to write a post "chinaman with flat limpy hair and metal frame glasses"...and my cat, ruby died ...

now it's july and, august 2008 is coming. seriously, i could already feel the wind before the storm:

my client, a local giant property client whose chairman was recently named the new billionaire in the country threatened not to pay the long overdue project that has been on-hold since march 2006. as far i'm concerned, the project has completed but last minute after produced the colour proof (last stage before printing) they wanted to add additional pictures which....i'm still waiting since october 2007. the amount is quite substantial for my tiny-size company. the 3rd party has begun chasing the payment. can't blame them but i've not even collected payment yet. the 3rd party costs contribute about 80% of the total cost. so factor in the delay & operation cost, i'm already not making profit even if i managed to collect the full amount.

and, we resurrected a project from april 2006 which i was never paid. have been having all shit from this smart-aleck client who claims she knows everything yet can't even make up her mind. the visual was already approved in 2006 but she "needed" new options, and we presented additional 20 options. and she always give us a fake launch date and postpone it after. finally she agreed to one version, then after 3 months later, now, she complained the picture given by her is not nice?! and the colour is too green?! it's the same colour since 3 months ago man, wtf... it was meant to launch end of this month, yet it's postponed till further notice, again.

two of my favorite clients, both from different company are leaving their company this week. that means i might lose this account/company. cos' there will be a new head coming. so as usual, new head, new style, new favorite agency.

someone close to me, who i value very much suddenly vanish into the thin air. i don't know why and have been scratching my skull till almost bald. but i decided to give it a rest, since pursuance could be a form of harassment, sometimes.

payment from other clients are also delayed.

one of my company cheques almost got bounced.

my uncle (RIP) just passed away unexpectedly last friday.

anyway, this post is getting too long... someone will complain again... finger crossed, august here i come ;)

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the art of lying... part 1 - malaysian prime minister

let's face it everyone lies. in fact, it's a part and parcel of our life. it's just another form of communication. an essential tool for selling & conviction.

i'm not saying i condone lying. i dislike liars but i hate lousy liars even more! you need to have skill when it comes to lying. in fact, so much so that lying has become an art. i mean, since 99.99% of the world population lies, we have no choice but to accept it. what's the 0.01%? they are vegetable lying in the hospital bed.

but nothing beats lousy liars with hypocrite kindness and cosmetic righteousness. i despise them so much so that i would rather save the thousands ants in my bathroom, one by one and let hypocrites drown in the toilet bowl. it's the worst form of human kind. truly self-righteous, no shame & despicable! in fact, they shouldn't even be using their mouth for communication. their mouth should only be used to complete the empty space below their nose and nothing more.

so we need skills when it comes to lying. but what is a good lie? why not let's examine the bad lies first?

example 1:
rumour has it that malaysian prime minister, a recent widower of 1 year is dating again.
malaysian pm: i'm not remarrying, and i have no lover. It's all rumour!
3 months later, he's married to his dead wife's brother's ex-wife.
reporter: but you said, it was all rumour?
malaysian pm: it's rumour because the marriage date was not correct.

example 2:
malaysian pm: no, there will be no election this year. it's all rumour.
the next morning, he announced parliament is dissolved. general election is next month.
reporter: but you said, it was all rumour?
malaysian pm: because we had submitted to the king but it's not approved yet.

example 3:
during general elections, many politicians made promises. it's known fact that fuel price always increase right after elections.
malaysian pm: there won't be any fuel rise after we win the election!
2 & 1/2 months after elections, the government announced fuel increase in the historic high of 41%!

example 4:
speculations has been going on that the fuel will increase.
malaysian pm: we'll study it and will not burden the public.
(3 june) domestic trade minister: foreigners are ban to fill petrol in the country, 50km radius from the border. it's to give the benefits back to the people.
(4 june, morning) domestic trade minister: fuel will not increase, and will review it in august.
(4 june, 5pm) malaysian pm: fuel will be increased 41% starting midnight and electricity will increase up to 26% from july onwards. but it's still among the cheapest in the region (while comparing to singapore, thailand, japan etc., the non-petroleum producing countries)
reporter: but government said it's only in august?
malaysian pm: do you think it's easy for us to announce this? it took us 4 hours this morning to discuss this. 4 hours you know? it's not easy!
(5 june) domestic trade minister: there is no question about foreign-registered cars enjoying the subsidy anymore. the ban has been lifted.

these are just some classic examples, of course there are more. it's malaysia, everything is possible. we call our land the bolehland, boleh means can/possible in malay language. every rumour is usually 99% truth, 1% might just due to natural disaster.

i promised myself before that i don't discuss politics here but... the aftermath of bad decisions made by voters is just too overwhelming. for the record, i voted opposition. anyway, can someone tell me where can i get a voodoo doll? i need to pin someone out of his political career...

we have lousy liars but they will only succeed when they have naive believers, some call them kind listeners. or audiences that have been paid off, showered with jewels, rewards & free holidays or even a cheap ticket for some play or theater...

after all, trust is a choice. some people just choose to believe even when they know very well that, that crook is full of bullshit. giving the benefit of the doubt? i doubt it. it's just purely dumb. sorry, i've no respect for hypocrites and his/her shit-followers.

i shall continue this topic some other day... these hypocrites make me headache. i shall talk about the liars among us. probably more related to relationships, at least it's more fun. perhaps also will help some to master their lying skills... who knows...

till then... have fun learning a thing or two from our 'beloofed' prime minister of bolehland, perhaps smile a little... ;)

oh, i forgot to mention that abdullah ahmad badawi, our 'cute' malaysian prime minister has quite a few cute nicks bestowed by the people. perhaps, he should consider them for his msn messenger. shall list some here for your enlightenment:
- bodowi - bodoh means stupid in malay language.
- sleepy head - he dozed off many times during parliament and official functions, numerous pictures were captured.
- the father-in-law - his son-in-law was 'rumoured' to be influential to his decision making.
- biadapwi - biadap means rude & arrogance in malay language.
- flip-flop - pls. refer to the above events for enlightenment.

i quite like 'flip-flop'. sounds very hip-hop & it has "energy" in it ;)

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perhaps, i should rest my case...

i'm a very passionate person. when it comes to ideas, opinions, dreams, friends & any relationship. and that sucks.

i care for everyone around me, and i offer assistants & advises unconditionally. and sometimes i get too passionate that i lost my sleeps due to anxiety, nervous & worry. and i get pounding headache.

when you know someone that you care for is walking into a trap, as a friend you advise, explain, warn & warn. ultimately, you have to respect the decision that he/she's gonna make. but on the other hand, you know storm is on the way and trees will be fallen. that leaves me very helpless.

when your friend's in trouble, you'll be there to offer solutions & support. you will even lay down the plans & seek for potential rewards or jobs on his behalf.

but sometimes, i could be too passionate in offering my "services" that resulted me being nosy. why do i need to care so much? why do i need to care when someone don't even care? is it because i'm just a busybody? hmm... maybe i am. maybe i just have too much time for others.

is it because that i really care for the person? or is it because that i'm just a plain bitter aging man? sometimes i wonder it myself. but deep down inside, i know, shit is coming and i couldn't help myself but to tell someone. and often, the good words were never taken in well by others. it's exactly like chinese saying "good advises are often bounce off the ears" or "a gentleman's speech is often misquoted by a small man"...nonetheless, i could be just a bitter aging man.

i couldn't sleep not because i don't want to sleep. i'm exhausted but i couldn't sleep cos' i'm embarrassed for being nosy. i'm disturbed for knowing the fact that someone that you care is walking into quicksand... but how would i know that? trust me, i know. that's my gift and also my curse. and that slashes my heart.

maybe i should just walk away, be ignorant of the potential woes that they might face. let them experience it themselves. i might still gain their respect for respecting their freedom in making choices, whether it's a good or a bad one.

i should learn to not bother.
i should learn to act dumb.
i should learn to remain silent.
i should learn to reserve my advises.
i should learn to be selfish of solutions.
but....seriously, these can't pass my conscience.

i should disappear for a while, 2 years sounds like a plan... i should just rest my case, perhaps...

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can someone kill me pls?!

damn....my back hurts like shit! from last night till today.
and it's bothering me the whole freaking day!
i'm fucking frustrated today, freaking bad mood!
almost slam my computer when it moved so damn slow...
oh...man, im so cranky today.

i feel like my waist has dislocated from my spine.
or my spine is not joined with my waist.
basically, i can't feel my back!
i can't stand or sit properly with this back.
this is shit. this is the time that i really need painkiller!
but no, i think i need a sleep, on the floor...

how i wish i'm having fever, at least i know what to do with it, just pop some pills and sleep it through. but i can't sleep either, the moment i hit the bed, within 10min i would jump up and knowingly, there's things in my mind and that i have tons of things to do, to chase.

just like today, i wanted to rest, on & off the bed for like 7-8 times. and my eyes are piercing pain too! but i have deadlines to deliver and i have a meeting to attend at 7pm, and i've just got back from the meeting, it's 10pm now...

i need a shower then chill & rest. but hell no! i still have to walk my son even if my waist is dislocated from my pelvic. damn!

boy, must you shit outside the house?
boy, can you go to shit by yourself in the garden?
daddy is sick and still have to worry about your shit?!?
why must you give me your 'cute face'? gosh, i'm walking you to shit now. ok ok...

can someone just kill me now??

~ my cute fat boy ~

~ private moment ~

~ the face of satisfaction ~

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i'm punctured & grocerilized...

today is truly an eventful,  very heavy, very humid, hot & punctured and not to mention that "today" began since yesterday's 3pm. and it's 1am now, i'm still awake from sunday.

i started the day by receiving a text message at 09.19am, a surprise yet predicted one. this message is not helping my already shattered mind from yesterday's silence. the following messages disrupted my hyped up spirit of trying to begin today, this monday as a new dawn for the fruit of our struggle for the company.

     <<< "i'm going to service my car. i'll come in around 2pm." <<<         
>>> "ok. But next time drop your car to service on saturday." >>>
     <<< "i was busy on saturday." <<<                          
>>> "was it work related? and this saturday also not free? dude i think this is not working out. We need to talk later." >>>
     <<< "it was my moms birthday. if you don't like it i'll resign." <<<        
>>> "ok. if that's how you see it. And not able to see my point. Then it's better for us to part ways now & remain frens." >>>
     <<< "ok. As you wish." <<<                         
>>> "I'm out for meetings & fix the pc. back only evening. i've issued cheque for u. you may collect it & pls. keep the thumb drive as a gift. Thanks for everything." >>>

that's how a initially-started-heart-pumping partnership ends. very abruptly, 
not the way i wanted but sometimes things just have to end in a way that we least expected.

i'm feeling guilty & heavy for i had to choose to make such a decision but i don't have a choice. threats never work well with me. and not to mention that i've given up a so-called-easy-way-out job opportunity in beijing, hence what i need now is no more nonsense but full concentration on building up the empire. tardiness is definitely a no-no for this kind of situation. i didn't ask for much, i only ask for full 9-hours of dedication. clinching business, ensuring the stability 
of the finance is my duty, all i'm asking is a full support in holding up my fort while i'm charging forward. not to mention that, you're taking twice amount of my pay. it might not be a lot, 
but it's a lot for a small & growing company that only bills 3 times of your salary.
i'm scratching my head, having sleepless nights trying my means to ensure i keep up to my promise to able to pay your salary, so all i'm asking for is a little respect & initiative, yet i'm receiving nothing but bearing all burden on my already dwarf body.

anyway...then i moved on to my usual pc shop and on the way there suddenly realized that i have no money and i got to go to the bank...then the most bizarre thing happen, the most unusual jam at the most unusual time, and i have no way round but to use that route, not to mention my aircon's compressor broke down and today somehow is a crazy extremely hot day, i estimate as high as 36c! it's so uncool then i'm soaking wet with my overflowing perspiration in my sleek pink long sleeve shirt...damn, i'm totally unglamorous for the moment! yet, i had to go on or i would have no money to have my favorite iced vanilla latte...this blizzard weather not only cause me to be in the most unglamourous form, windows all wound down and smelling the exhaust fume but cause me to have heat rashes around my forehead...it's crazy....but it's funny at the same time, how many coincidence as such would happen on the same day?

then while waiting for my pc to be fixed, i was already zombie-fied from the heat & lack of sleep, then the heavy pours came, and so i had to be sober and act all cool in the pc shop to wait for the rain to stop.

but i love the most of my day was my grocery trip in carrefour. i say, walking in the midst of all the products is certainly something that keeps me alert and all excited. there's so many new things, interesting things, it even crossed my mind that one day i might wanna work as a fishmonger...looking at all the families, children, housewives, galore of products calms me. i actually love grocery shopping, and i tend to stay in the hypermart for hours usually. not into buying, but a great horizon of learnings how things move so fast, evolves so much amazes me. well, pushing the trolley is also another fun thing to do...and skii along with it even more fun.

i'm done, got my bread, my gas, very essential element when you're hungry in the middle of the night; tissues boxes, something i can't live without; my soya bean, and a craving for ribenna, i wonder why, i just wanna taste some sweetness tonight....and indeed, the glass i'm holding now proves that ribenna is best served chilled and it also great to go along with vodka....

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i'm so overdosed of carbo...

it's a strange but eventful day today...

woke up with a weird call..was damn blur then pissed-off before putting down the phone. got scolded for a mistake that was not mine. but i can't really shirk the responsibility, i oversee the work. and i emailed it out, so i would just have to keep my mouth sealed but i couldn't hold my tongue but to let it out at the end. after all it's an innocent mistake, taken as is basis from client's sample, ya, certain initiative is required, admit. then again, it's ok, we get scolded for mistakes that weren't ours most of time...numbed already...well, our nick name is, brand-whore anyway..

then, sat by my pc...had 3 slices of my favorite peanut butter bread and my must-have "morning" coffee. it's already 12pm when i'm having it. it's been a long time since i have bread. thou, i used to hate bread but i kinda changed after some turbulence 2 years back. but anything with peanut butter will always melt my heart. i enjoy the texture of peanut butter & butter gently melt in your mouth accordingly to the temperature within my mouth...quite satisfying.

then suddenly, no electricity! this bloody tnb (short for tenaga nasional berhad/national power limited) really useless, as useless as our government. well, the dog has to follow its owner's habit. tnb was privatized few years back. and i hated tnb, bcos many years back. my grandfather useD to supply power to his village, quite big village about 500-600 household. then one day this bloody indian asshole came over and try to close down my grandpa's plant/biz because government wanted to consolidate the electricity supply, that's nicely put. actually robbing the civilian's right to becoming self-sustained power provider, after all, providing power is the most lucrative business. hence, we had no choice but to submit to the government. did we get compensation? i believe we did...5 words, you are a good malaysian. well, this asshole minister has been voted out of his office during the recent election. bravo! served you right, bloody corrupted black fatso with weird looking wig! anyway, since being privatized, beside tariff increases almost on bi-annual basis. the service is disrupted in bi-monthly basis too. imagine, i moved to this new home since september last year and i've already experienced at least 4 times of power disruption. yes. black out. damn.

so, to continue my sleep is the only choice.

then, 30 minutes gone, still no power. suddenly came the thunderstorm. hmm...this storm is really huge & crazy. it's like a drunk fat father scolding a child who just got up in the middle of the night to pee. shocking & awake instantly! no, don't think otherwise, my dad has never drunk in front of us. he's a kind man, and too kind. anyway this rain was somewhat exhilarating!! i went down stair, to my porch, then, my crazy mood came. the feeling of running in the rain is so strong. it's been so long since i played in the rain, i could only remember when i was studying in malacca, we used to get trapped in the rain while cycling around the cities, and sometimes we had to hide in those little hut/stalls by the road, 5 persons cramped into that little warong hut and waited for the rain to stop till my nails turned purple. then suddenly i saw lighting before me, and drunk fat father screaming, then i realized, ok, it's a stupid idea to play in the rain today, at least for today.

2 hours has passed, shit, this bloody tnb is crap..still no power. thought of calling them, then i gave up. what's the use? the same old answer would be given, your concern is being rectified now...not to mention that it will take you 1min 30sec before reaching the receptionist. well, ever since those national agencies privatized, they have been trying very hard to be service-oriented. hence, came out with those press 1 for this, press 2 for that, press 3 for god father thingy...hilarious, well, that also you should consider yourself lucky if you managed to get thru after 3 attempts and it's not even toll free!

anyway...so what else could i do when suddenly black-out & thunderstorm at the same time? i could think nothing else but thinking of someone who can calm my trembling soul...while enjoying the view of my plain boring garden. lucky thing, my babies were so adorable, my dog & cat were just chilling by my feet. and so, my son became my over-sized carpet...haha...

5 hours has passed, this time my tolerance was running real thin already. i just needed to give tnb a thrashing. suddenly, the power returned while i was dialing their overly-friendly customer service number...it's 5.30 now, half a day has gone, nothing could be done really, except to do as much work as we could. and, i was hungry again, had another 2 more slices of peanut butter bread & a coffee. how much is the calorie for bread & peanut butter again??

later at night, spoke to my friend over skype. skype is really amazing, talking for hours without paying a single cent, and the clarity of voice is 10X better than msn, at least never choppy. we're talking about some work opportunity in beijing which he's interested for me to go over to help him in running a new setup to manage the no.1 telco brand there and other things...

anyway, i got hungry again at 2am, then i remembered, i didn't have dinner yet. so what else could i get at this hour but indian pancake/bread? yes, roti canai/roti kosong or singaporean call it roti planta, that's freaking weird. roti planta is named after the famous planta butter. so how could it called roti planta when it's meant to be empty, plain white toasted bread? and roti canai is called canai because it's a traditional meal from cenai, a city of southern india. anyway, singaporean just have their weird way of naming thing differently from malaysia. our relationship is just like british & american.

anyway, 2 pieces plus my usual teh-o-halia-ais a.k.a. iced ginger black tea, take-a-way. yes, finally, i can sit still and watch my korean drama "coffee prince", the final episode. after taking 2 bites then only occurred to me that: shit!! i'm having too much carbo today !! damn !! how much is the calorie per bread? and 1/4 can of peanut butter? and, indian bread, how much?? i'm so screwed...

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corruption is a piece of shit...

how do we define corruption?
how do we define bribery?

i define corruption as a tree that's rotten from within. no matter how much water you showered it will rot. no matter how much touch-up you made, it's still rotten....it's just a matter of time before it corrupt and fall to the ground.

i define bribery as a reflection of inferior complex. an excuse to give benefit to someone who does not deserve in order to cover our own deficiency. it is an mental desease of allowing ourselves to believe that we're merely "helping" people who in "need". a true denial of our own strengths & talents.

i call it a token when it doesn't affect me and others.
i call it an act of taking advantage of the poor when it affects our basic needs.
these are the foundation of greed.
it's truly disgusting.
 
how do we curb this desease?
...................................... the only way is when we start to believe in our own strengths & start acknowledging others' talents. but it's a far fetch dream...

i hate corruption.
i hate bribery.
but i'm a culprit of my own detest act sometimes.

i do have a choice but i choose to deny my right sometimes.
the excuse is simple.
i need to survive.
i need to feed others who need me.
it could be just an excuse to console myself.
but i sincerely hope, i can stop this, the moment the sunrise tomorrow.

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don't wish me happy birthday.

don't wish me happy birthday!
it's not a happy birthday when i'm obligated to your initiatives & kindness.
i don't want your kindness.
it's not a kindness when you expect me to repay you.

it's a loan.
it's worse than charity, worse than sympathy.

why do i need to celebrate my birthday your way?
when i said, i don't wish to celebrate my birthday, i mean it.

here i am, 12 midnight, 6 of november 2007.
my biological clock hit 32 finally.
and i'm alone.

i want to be alone and owe no one of any kindness.
i mean, any loan.
don't dump the loan on me.
i have no means and no power to repay this loan.
it only suffocates me, cos' i know you've expectation and one day you will ask for the repayment.

pls. understand and let me be...
i want to celebrate my birthday my way, quiet & peacefully.
no cake, no party, no hoo-hah, no alcohol, no dance, no special dinner...just a pure PEACEFUL moment.

may i have my freedom and deserve a peaceful day?
must i repay your initiatives & kindness on MY DAY?

i'm tired, exhausted to please everyone.
i want to be ME, a real ME.
i don't want to please anyone.
and i don't want to be the type of person you desire.
i just want to please myself, at least for once, one day in 365days.
let me be.

don't try to make me feel guilty. i had already told you i would feel guilty long time ago.
don't tell me that you've done this & that for me. i didn't plead for it.
don't try to claim what you deserve. i'm not a product.
don't call me a betrayal. i just want my freedom.

it's by far the worst birthday i've ever had in my 32 years.
so, pls. let me have a happy birthday, my way.
that's the only thing i'm pleading you.

wishing edwin a guilt-free birthday...amen.

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it's my fucking event!!

it's my fucking event!
it's my fucking house warming!
it's my fucking birthday!

and i'm free to invite whoever i want!
i'm fucking tired of pleasing everyone!
it's my fucking event!
don't give me your fucking vip attitude!
it's my fucking event!
let me have my own preference!
it's my fucking event!
let me be!

seriously, what's the fucking big deal about it???
it's my fucking birthday! i can choose to celebrate in anyway in anyhow i want!
even if i invite Osama is my fucking problem!
why do i need to please you when it's my birthday?

it's my fucking event!
so i choose who i want to see & who i want to invite!
the invitation is stated to welcome to bring a partner and if i invited your girlfriend but she doesn't ask you to come along is your fucking problem not mine!

it's my fucking event!
don't bloodly give me the VIP's SEE HOW attitude! and expect me to send you reminder?!?
want to come, come. don't want to come, don't.
seriously, i'm not throwing tantrum.
if you think i'm close to you, and my event is as important to you as you're important to me then come.
don't bloodly give me your VIP schedule that make my event a substitute to your other more happening event!
you're not doing me a favor if you come for my event! and i don't need this type of kindness!
i'm lazy and i only ask once, and have no interest in pursuing your presence.

it's my birthday! it's my event!
i want to have my choice and not to please & accomodate your choice!
i'm fucking tired & suffocated to please the whole fucking world!
i want to be alone on the day.
i'm moving to a deserted island.
period.

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august ordeal

this month has been a very challenging month for me...lots of things have happened, mostly are not very good, of course. it may just be another bad month for me. last year, same time, was also a very stressful month for me. it has become a ritual for me, one shit month, and july & august have always been the testing month for me.

whether i can move on or not, this will decide my fate. so far, i've managed to solve & recover from most of the misfortunes that had happened to me. this has become a habit for me. come to think of it, july & august have been bad months for me for many years. and by September & October i will be ok. this pattern has been happening to me for many years.

here are the shits i was going through this month:

• bad discussion with landlord who refuse to refund my deposit on the day i move (31/8/2007)
• tried various sources to get a overseas job but nothing came out
• got into financial trouble which left me only RM50 in my pocket
• got into a serious fight with a close friend
• someone who i interested in decided to return to her ex.
• scheduled to meet a very important person in singapore but was stood up
• got into a minor vehicle accident but i was fine
• fell sick to fever for 4 days
• late payment collection from the clients
• tore my face and tried to borrow money from relatives but none was able to give a hand
• additional redundant work require for a very old project that dragged since last year
• cooking half way and ran out of gas in the middle of the night and forced to throw away the food
• car broke down and left no air condition and power steering, had to drive like driving a truck for few days
• car's tyre punctured while rushing for an important meeting
• refrigerator broke down
• almost died when cleaning the cabinet at the new hse, the cabinet door hit the fan & spun down and cut my neck...
• had lots of minor cuts & bruises while moving the house, guess i'm just not cut to be a labouror...

haha...it's quite funny, somehow i'm not really disturbed by all these. dejected a bit yes, but i was able to treat all these with a very calm & easy heart and i smile when those happened to me. i wonder why. i wonder where did i get the strength. could it be because i've been through the worst? there was once where i had to result to eat bread for months, which i hated bread, and i only able to eat instant noodles (maggi mee) during the good days, and i don't like maggi mee too. and now, i eat bread and i kinda like it.

sometimes i think, the environment & circumstances make us a better & stronger man. i've been through that and sometimes i asked for it.

there was a time when i was such a high flyer in my previous advertising company, i was doing very well, at least for people with my same years of experience, i decided to quit my job all because i was too comfortable , i decided i needed a change, to push my luck a bit further, i quit my comfortable working life without hesitation. i wanna use my bare hands to achieve something. with that decision, it took me almost 1.5 years to recover.

then i did it again, this time was to protect my dignity when i was a GM in one of the veteran film company. all because i didn't want to cahoot with the management to manipulate & ill-treat my staffs. i regard my staffs as the most valuable asset to my company and to my success. i could not agree with the way the top management want me to do those unethical things to them. i decided to quit and start my own business. and yes, i'm suffering since then but i'm happy. i'm in bad financial situation when i used up all my savings and had to let the bank to reclaim my car but i've no regrets. that is when i started to appreciate bread and now i can cook excellent "maggi-mee goreng".

i've always have plan in my life, my career especially. my 1st plan was to become an account director in 5 years time, where most people take 7-8years. then my next aim was to become GM by 30 years old and make at least RM10k per month. so far i've achieved & exceeded them all.

now i'm in my 3rd 5-year plan, it's been 1 year & 10 months now. i've had my downs & ups, and i'm down again. and i know my up is coming, and is slowly taking shape.

during those challenging period, i sincerely thank my close ones, my friends, and everyone who believe in me and gave me a lending hands. without them i can never pull through.

i dont like to hope but this time, i hope, i hope things will go smooth for me. it's about time for me to repay them.

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i wanna get out

i wanna get out.
i wanna leave this room.
i wanna get out from this place.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna give up everything i have.
i wanna just go to one place and do nothing.
i wanna see someone and doing nothing.
i wanna just go to a deserted area and do nothing.
i wanna go to a place where i don't have to use my brain.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna hold someone.
i wanna have no regrets.
i wanna leave everything behind and start a new.
i wanna have nothing to do with what i plan in the future.
i wanna rest.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna talk to someone.
i wanna know if i'm crazy or just insane.
i wanna leave my room.
i wanna tell someone.
i wanna give up.
i wanna hold on.
i wanna have nothing to do with my life.
i wanna rest.
i wanna have someone who understands me.
i wanna hug someone.
i wanna cry.
i wanna hold on to something meaningful.
i wanna have a new meaning in my life.
i wanna scream.
i wanna be strong.
i wanna be crazy.
i wanna be missed by someone.
i wanna cry.
i wanna walk.
i wanna stop writing.
i wanna stop thinking.
i wanna stop planning.
i wanna do it now.
i wanna have it now.
i wanna be with it now.
i wanna have no wants anymore...

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ruby is dead. those bastard shall pay!

ruby "little black nose" yap.
19 april 2006, 4.40am - 10 july 2007, 6.17pm

my beloved cat is dead.

his name is ruby.

one of my most favorite cats.

super duper "manja", always around my feet when i'm at my work desk.

always rushes back home when he sees me home.

always makes the funny sound when he was hungry and decided to return from his pussy-hunting trip.

"as if i owe you" i told him many times. "why make so much noise when you're hungry?"

annoyed the hell out of me, mostly but i love him dearly.

now i wish to hear his annoying sound but no more.

doctor said, he was hit by blunt object. cos' there is no wound, no blood, no bone fractured. could be hit by car / motor or beaten by someone or he fell from high ground but unlikely.

i saw him emotionless when i was on my way for meeting. tried to send him back through the door but he seem helpless, only moved with 2 front legs. picked him next to the food and rushed to the meeting.

i rushed home as soon as i can from the meeting. on the way to the doctor, ruby was making his usual 'manja' sound...i said to him..."don't worry, daddy is here ok?" he responded with silent. he understood.

then doctor said, the lower waist & legs have not feeling but should be ok. could be just the nerves. few painkillers and massage him gently few times a day should be just fine and he will recover. while i was making joke about have to massage him like working overtime.

1.5 hour later, i tried to put him next to my bed room as i want to take a nap and thought to massage his legs a bit then the unbelievable thing happen. he seem even more "boneless", his head drop to the side. tongue is stuck out then i realized his heart beat stop, so was mine.

rushed to the doctor and they pronounced him dead.

i find it hard to believe it. he was still very active and making noise yesterday. and now he's dead. taking his body home, on the way driving, my tears can't help but flow. my nose can't help but blocked. it's the first time i shed tears for my baby. i only start to think back. maybe it's me who has not took notice earlier...but i know it's over.

i hate to bury cats. this is my third time already. one was ramped over by my housemate, one was hit by the car. and one similar thing is all these 3 are the most obedient among the rest. one difference is, this time round it's not in the mid night.

and he suffered less, i think, i hope.

seems like the kindest are usually short-lived.

i curse those bastards who is evil enough to raise their stick to hit my little black nose ruby.

i curse those bastards who for being such an irresponsible moron drivers.

nonetheless, i think i'm too to be blame. i should have loved him more.

i hope he was happy when he was my baby.

rest in peace when he died in my arms.

period.

























ruby's final moment, husky boy is guarding him. 4.46pm.

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