i wanna get out

i wanna get out.
i wanna leave this room.
i wanna get out from this place.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna give up everything i have.
i wanna just go to one place and do nothing.
i wanna see someone and doing nothing.
i wanna just go to a deserted area and do nothing.
i wanna go to a place where i don't have to use my brain.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna hold someone.
i wanna have no regrets.
i wanna leave everything behind and start a new.
i wanna have nothing to do with what i plan in the future.
i wanna rest.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna talk to someone.
i wanna know if i'm crazy or just insane.
i wanna leave my room.
i wanna tell someone.
i wanna give up.
i wanna hold on.
i wanna have nothing to do with my life.
i wanna rest.
i wanna have someone who understands me.
i wanna hug someone.
i wanna cry.
i wanna hold on to something meaningful.
i wanna have a new meaning in my life.
i wanna scream.
i wanna be strong.
i wanna be crazy.
i wanna be missed by someone.
i wanna cry.
i wanna walk.
i wanna stop writing.
i wanna stop thinking.
i wanna stop planning.
i wanna do it now.
i wanna have it now.
i wanna be with it now.
i wanna have no wants anymore...

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story

i'm eating but i'm not hungry
i don't like the reflection of my story
the fish has no salt and i need some chilli
i need it to be more savory
i'm eating because i need to live

i'm lonely but i'm still fiery
i don't like to be on the bed and write my story
the ceiling has no color and i need a fairy
i need to be less sorry
i'm lonely because i need a person

i'm calm but i'm weary
i don't like messages with no story
the screen is empty and i need some guarantee
i need it to be instantly
i'm calm because i need a reason

i'm certain but i'm uneasy
i don't like knocking with no story
the sound is blasting and i need to make enquiry
i need to hear a good detailing
i'm certain because i know what i need

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but...

i'm seeking the truth of my next phrase, it's a painful process but i guess i need to.

i'm eating less these days, not because i don't have money but because i need more time to think.

i'm sleeping less these days, not because i don't need to rest but because i afraid to sleep alone.

i'm smoking more these days, not because i enjoy inhaling but because i need to breathe hard.

i'm laughing more these days, not because i'm happy but because i need to hide my emotion.

i'm socializing more these days, not because i love to entertain but because i need distractions.

i'm on computer more these days, not because i love looking at the screen but because i need something interesting.

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follow

5 days has passed.
we're in a new phase.
closer than you think.
tighter than you think.

like the stars in the sky.
brighter when is apart.
clash when they meet.
this is the lie we're in.

could you walk a bit slower?
bend a little lower?
hear my cello.
hear my sorrow.

another 5 days has passed.
still in the same phase.
my heart still beats.
still holding the pieces in me.

against the wall,
i look above the door.
is the ceiling that i know.
what's beyond the window?

could you walk a bit slower?
bend a little lower?
hear my cello.
hear me roar.

would you walk a bit slower?
bend a little lower?
tend my hollow.
let me follow, closer.

inspired & dedicated to my dear, my best friend, my baby

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ruby is dead. those bastard shall pay!

ruby "little black nose" yap.
19 april 2006, 4.40am - 10 july 2007, 6.17pm

my beloved cat is dead.

his name is ruby.

one of my most favorite cats.

super duper "manja", always around my feet when i'm at my work desk.

always rushes back home when he sees me home.

always makes the funny sound when he was hungry and decided to return from his pussy-hunting trip.

"as if i owe you" i told him many times. "why make so much noise when you're hungry?"

annoyed the hell out of me, mostly but i love him dearly.

now i wish to hear his annoying sound but no more.

doctor said, he was hit by blunt object. cos' there is no wound, no blood, no bone fractured. could be hit by car / motor or beaten by someone or he fell from high ground but unlikely.

i saw him emotionless when i was on my way for meeting. tried to send him back through the door but he seem helpless, only moved with 2 front legs. picked him next to the food and rushed to the meeting.

i rushed home as soon as i can from the meeting. on the way to the doctor, ruby was making his usual 'manja' sound...i said to him..."don't worry, daddy is here ok?" he responded with silent. he understood.

then doctor said, the lower waist & legs have not feeling but should be ok. could be just the nerves. few painkillers and massage him gently few times a day should be just fine and he will recover. while i was making joke about have to massage him like working overtime.

1.5 hour later, i tried to put him next to my bed room as i want to take a nap and thought to massage his legs a bit then the unbelievable thing happen. he seem even more "boneless", his head drop to the side. tongue is stuck out then i realized his heart beat stop, so was mine.

rushed to the doctor and they pronounced him dead.

i find it hard to believe it. he was still very active and making noise yesterday. and now he's dead. taking his body home, on the way driving, my tears can't help but flow. my nose can't help but blocked. it's the first time i shed tears for my baby. i only start to think back. maybe it's me who has not took notice earlier...but i know it's over.

i hate to bury cats. this is my third time already. one was ramped over by my housemate, one was hit by the car. and one similar thing is all these 3 are the most obedient among the rest. one difference is, this time round it's not in the mid night.

and he suffered less, i think, i hope.

seems like the kindest are usually short-lived.

i curse those bastards who is evil enough to raise their stick to hit my little black nose ruby.

i curse those bastards who for being such an irresponsible moron drivers.

nonetheless, i think i'm too to be blame. i should have loved him more.

i hope he was happy when he was my baby.

rest in peace when he died in my arms.

period.

























ruby's final moment, husky boy is guarding him. 4.46pm.

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i hate weddings...

i hate attending weddings. especially chinese wedding. i always drag my feet to my house doors. but the thing is they never seem to fail to invite me. my friend said, cos' wedding makes us feel lonely and want a girlfriend and get married instantly..

hmm..really? maybe. but i hate it because i feel old and mostly the monotonous part...

few things i really bored with chinese wedding is, the "yumseng"(Chinese way of toasting), everyone is screaming out loud, you could almost break your ear drum when the person next to you is doing the quirking yell. "yumseng" is what we scream & yell through our already alcohol-swelled lips yet "yumseng" this 2 words don't mean a thing, it means bottoms-up! well, it's probably the favorite words by some chinese. they use it frequently in the bars, pubs and even at the high class restaurants.

you could almost know what are you're gonna eat. the menu has never changed for 30 years, well at least this how i remember through my entire life. the only fun thing to do, probably is to guess which dish will not appeal or which would be replaced. or, how many dishes does the dinner serve, usually we have 8-9 courses depending on how rich the couple is. some people actually create a small gambling dent for this betting purposes. well, trust us, the chinese, anything to do with gambling & making fortune, we will definitely think of it.

the standard menu are:

1. cold plate with salad prawn, squid, jelly fish, dried nuts with veges.
2. shark's fins soup
3. chinese-styled bbq chicken, sometimes paper-wrapped chicken
4. dry-fried tiger prawns, if you're lucky
5. steam fish, what kind of fish depending on the couple's choice (taste buds & the bank account's)
6. sea cucumber with mushrooms and broccoli
7. lotus leaf-wrapped glutinous rice, sometime you just get plain fried rice (the chinese restaurants at your house corner could taste better)
8. chinese tong-shui/desert
9. fruits. if you're lucky.

and most of the time, the hotels' food is really bad. so i usually take one bite for each course served, just to make it a worth trip. it's for the table mannerism. after all, i paid the angpow..hehe

another thing that is really dreadful is the waiting time for each course to be released from the under-staff hotel.

and chances are you would see more drunkards than your usual pubs & clubs. well, after all, they paid the angpow, "you deserved to be drunk, bro!"

the undeserving invitees, who wears informally to such a formal & special event. some with T-shirts or short-sleeve shirts, torn jeans with colorful top, or batik top, since when batik is a FORMAL? we're not politician, this is not a malay function nor a national event. why batik? datuk wannabe? oo...it's a national/traditional costume, then why can't you wearing cheongsam/sam-fu for goodness sake? i thought you're a chinese?

well these are usually apply to the men only. for the ladies, they love this event, probably the few only (or ONE) chance to showcase the dress that they made their husband/boyfriend prove their love with their underpaid salary.

had anyone wonder...? would he still yumseng out loud or would she still marry him after knowing how their own individual party as a single-man/woman was?

anyway, hen's night & bachelor's night were meant to be a secret, the only one that a married couple should keep. and yes, for life.

not forgetting the itinerary is always the same standard.

1. emcee's speech, welcome guests.
2. a short clips & story of the couple...same old standard, how they meet etc...common stance but usually very sweet :)
3. the grand entrance our lovely newly wed
4. short performance. usually is a stage arrangement especially done by the hotel for the newly wed....sometimes can be really hilarious & tedious...if you have this, then the food presentation is normally blend into this performance.
5. then the food presentation, some ol' same ol' dime the light then Kitaro music playing at the background, all waiters lined up in parade then slowly serve the first few tables. remember i said, under-staff. sometimes i even get Star Wars music played! WT...?
6. then the rest is eat! eat! eat! fight for every piece on the table. well, you do get gentleman like me who refuse to start first.
7. then fashion show time for the couple. well, only for the bride usually. this is what the groom deserved.....a beautiful wife, for a day.
8. short thank you speech from the couple then cut the wedding cake. usually a very dramatic & touchy moment. look around you'll see the couple are tearing and the parents too.
9. pour the champagne then of course the toasting ceremony. "yumsenggggg"!! funny! but sometimes can be very fun to watch those brothers screaming out loud...i would just open my mouth pretending i was screaming too...or rather i was stunned by the majestic collaboration of the ultra orchestrated screaming.
10. and yes, my favorite part, photography session.
    

all these always make me wanna have a out-of-the-world wedding plan. it's a once-a-life-time event, after all, getting married is the most unconventional you would do in your life. so why not make it unique?

then i thought i would probably can't afford my own dream wedding, maybe i shall just stick to the standard package...or just kahwin lari? haha...

but...there are exception cases too.

i attended a wedding yesterday, a good friend of mine, a good rock climbing mate. the wedding was quite sweet, the husband went on the stage to sing a song for his wife. he secretly practiced 6 months for her. and he was tearing when he said thank to his new in-laws. well-done man!

i didn't regret attending this one thou...congrats to Anne & Eric.

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breathe

walking under the trees
holding the vase hoping to be free
should i stop to breathe?
should i feel the breeze?

running around in circle
chasing the demon of fiscal
should i stop to breathe?
should i feel the bliss?

i'm running towards you
i'm holding my last youth
i'm running towards you
i'm holding my last peace

wondering where is the face
arching, looking for the trace
should i stop to breathe?
should i feel the tease?

hoping the fairy will be waiting
crunching every bit to be wanting
should i stop to breathe?
should i feel my beats?

i'm running towards you
i'm holding my last sanity
i'm running towards you
i'm feeling the anxiety

should i stop to breathe?
should i stop and break?

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9 crimes

9 crimes

leave me out with the waste this is not what i do
it's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you
it's the wrong time for somebody new
it's a small crime and i got no excuse
and is that alright yeah?

i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah?
if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?
is that alright yeah?
i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah, with you?

leave me out with the waste this is not what i do
it's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
it's the wrong time she's pulling me through
it's a small crime and i got no excuse
and is that alright yeah?

if i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah?
if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?
is that alright yeah?
i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright?
is that alright with you?
is that alright yeah?

if i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah?
if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?
is that alright yeah?
i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright?
is that alright with you?

and is that alright yeah?
is that alright yeah?
is that alright yeah?
is that alright?
is that alright?
is that alright with you?
no?

performed by damien rice & lisa hannigan

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speechless

i want it, i need something.
i've struggled for everything.
i've given the best for anything.
at the end, the distance seems never ending.

is it so hard to get what i want?
how many times do i need to be brunt?
giving the best, working the most.
is still not the answer to be the best?

i need a room, i need a big room,
just by myself, no one else but one.
i need a space, i need an open space.
so i can run around and hit no one.

i'm confined in the room that i've built.
i need a ladder, where leads me to the edge.
and i want to jump from the peak
into the pool of the normality.

i want to be ordinary.
just a plain ordinary person.
being different is too tiring.
why is it so hard to be common?

i have too many dream perhaps.
i have too little time perhaps.
something has got to give.
but i have given more than i ditch.

i'm seriously speechless, not the first time
but this time i'm seriously running out of time

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choose to believe or investigate the truth?

to believe is truly a choice...

when we choose to believe someone it's because we want to, not because he/she has earned our trust.

when we want to believe, we would, and eventually will... actually, we really don't have much choices here.

if we choose not to believe someone then the only way is to investigate the truth...it's more exhausting and often would be a disastrous end.

but before we investigate are we prepared for the truth? often before we ask a question, we already have the answers in our mind. the only question is, is this the answer we're seeking for? or we believe otherwise?

then why ask?

is it just because you wanna hear the "answers" that would satisfy your below average self-esteem? often we said, i wanna hear the truth...are we really ready to accept the truth?

most of the time, we prefer people to lie to us when it comes to the ugly truth. we want the answers that sooth our heart. but at the same time, we want the truth...sad but truth...we most of the time, really don't know what we want...hehe..

i was once told, ask the right question. if you don't know what you're seeking for, don't ask.

well-said, if we don't know what are we asking, we'll never get the answers that we want. well, probably we would need to ask many questions to find the answers. damn tiring to ask...and damn tiring to answer...maybe that's why couples stop communicating after few years...maybe they already made their choice, choose to trust.

after reading this you may not agree..but at the end, the choice is yours, you may choose not to believe... ;)

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chinaman with flat limpy hair and metal frame glasses

chinaman with flat limply hair are just fucking twat.

with the additional metal frame glasses...they just added the shit to the bunghole.

they just have those "out of the world" thinking. truly irritating and worst still they think they are the smartest and better off than others and of cos, they're the most racist among all. they hate every race except their own....why huh? you won't get the answer. cos' they will never give you the answer, they would just storm off when they think you're not worth their time...as if my time was any less valuable. but i'm sure one thing, they cannot and will not able to participate in an intellectual & professional conversation, let alone a genuine discussion.

they are one hell of the worst driver you would ever met on the street. take a look, be a little more observant, you'll see...those lame drivers, slow like fucking snail, signal & turn without looking out for other cars, day dreaming at the traffic light, drive in the middle of the road and think their name is Yap Ah Loy...

they have the ancient way of dressing, truly embarrassing if they are 10 steps from me. i would jump the wall if i need to. i would cover my face and start speaking malay if i have to. (thank god i've mastered my malay to speak like a malay.)

the worst kind of drinking buddy, not clubbing buddy, they would never have those privilege to club with me! even the drinking bit was a true unfortunate coincidence, they fucking behave as if they are the reincarnated "alcoholic god", force you to drink and shout "bottoms up!", "you're so damn slow!", "are you keeping gold fish?"...damn. who would drink red wine like that? only the CHINESE.

and yes, there will never be a "yum-sang" session in my future wedding..

they are also the most unhygienic type, ask them when was the last time they ever trim their pubic hair. you'll know. err...i think you better don't go there..there is also some kind of funky smell if they walk pass you...like a dead mammal that was left to soak in the rain for centuries.

this type of human kind also happens to be the most stingy among all human race, a true miser, truly disgusting...they are extremely calculative and anal to every details...well, i'm not saying particular or eyes for detail, i'm saying fucking irritatingly trying to spot for your weakness at all-time so they can eat you up and shout "you're stupid and you deserved it!!"

think i'm racist? by all means, i don't give a flying care about what you think, i'm chinese and i'm not proud of it. they are a true disgrace to the 5000 years of civilization.

call me a generalistic prick, i don't really care, cos' i've had enough of these parasites.

my previous landlord was a genuine shit. peep at us at all time and he looks like those sex maniac you see in Hong Kong movies.

my current landlord is another pimple in the arse! peep at my house at times and often spit indigestible remarks. damn calculative to the bones and think that he's divine.

my xenophobic self was very much developed by those parasites around me..thanks to them. really, thanks to them, i would kill myself and my entire descendants if they ever look & behave like them.

well, am i not chinese? i'm a just a ABC, an Accidental Born Chinese.

but i love my parents, thank god they hate those pricks too and taught me well to disassociate myself from those parasites...

and yes, i'm racist, and i hate the typical chinese...period.

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life in mono

monotonous is a blessd...i believe so...at least when i'm smoking.

haha...monotonous can really be a blessing sometimes. someone told me once that he's poor and not as intelligent as others...hence he can not comprehend some situation and life is monotonous...i think it's fucking great! cos' he would spend less time on trying to intellectualize the conversation more time in communicating with his family, less time on screwing the government and more time in voting the stupid government, less affort to scold the idiot drivers and more enthusiast in being a model-driver, less complaints in everything and work doubly hard than others....

comparing to them...im a lot less fortunate, i do exactly everything opposite to them....and it never really make me happy...

hmm..it's time to think a bit lesser than normal....

starting from today, nope, NOW...

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