i walk, under tall
i move, little mile
i crawl, below snail
i sway, beneath fly
carry on, i asked
moving on, i cracked
standing here, i smeared
climbing up, i grieved
continue, i walk
just a stain of chalk
the fort, i built
just laughed by folks
championing, i craved
striving, i grieved
deciding, i switched
closing, i matched
continue, my dream
merely a dip of cream
fire, i ignite
merely a soul of desire
i walk, swell tall
i move, wheel miles
i crawl, mill nails
i sway, fly and fly
recently, i saw some of my friends broke down. myself was also in a little shamble zone. the challenges were not just about physical but emotionally troubled as well. we all had lost someone who was dear to us, or things, or expectations that we all desired and craved for. performed by
3 of my dear friends lost their grandmother last month, all within 2 weeks. i'm greatly affected by their lost.
i know how it feels exactly, i lost my beloved grandfather in my arms few years back. i was truly helpless, i was looking at the cardio reading, my eyes never moved an inch from the reading and i hoped that i had the supernatural power to keep the meter rising but it didn't. he was calling for me before he was in coma, i was not sure if i was his favorite grandson but he's my favorite grandpa and my hero for he who had went through great deal to become a great man he was before his passing. i know the pain, clearly & dearly, when seeing someone you loved & admired passing slowly in your arms while you can't do anything but just stroking the head, calling his name, watching the heart beat slowly fades to null. i didn't shed one tear at all, I wanted to but i couldn't. i had to be the pillar for my grandma and other family member who were in shock. i was in shocked myself. it took me exactly a year, to recognize that he's finally gone. on his one year anniversary, i finally cried. for the first time, in my life i cried in front of others. but i'm glad, i'm still breathing, that is the only thing i could do, keep breathing.
2 weeks ago, i heard a shocking news, someone that i knew, committed suicide and left behind a son. she was overdosed of pills and her body was found only 3 days later when friends broke into her home. i was never closed to her, but i wish i was. she must be very troubled, lonely & helpless to had driven herself to the edge. she was only 30, young, beautiful, adored by many friends. but i guess, we all had misread her. we took for granted for many things in our lives, i've learned before that we must not take things for granted, we tell & share our thoughts to the one we love as if there's no tomorrow. but for this instance, i guess, we're late. so all we could do is keep breathing, so to able to accomplish more to cover back our lost...
this month, i have heard many problems, and challenges faced by those who i care for. some problems were financially driven; some were the lost of directions in life; some were trapped within the studies, some were betrayed by closed ones; some were dejected for the hard work and didn't get pay off as they expected...while i can't do much for them but i could only try to be a great listener, and hopefully give them as much advises as i see deem fit, i could only be the pillar that they need, or at least, that's what i wish i could do...
sometimes we wish we could just give up, sometimes we wish we could just let go eveyrthing and move to an island, sometimes we wish we were never born, sometimes we wish could turn back the time, but all i wish to tell is, all we can do is keep breathing. as long we're breathing, we can hope, we can make changes. the only person that can bring you down is no one else but you. we have to believe in ourselves. believe is the strongest element we need, perhaps the only one that we need in achieving our dreams. so, all we have to do is keep breathing...
here's one beautiful song for you. "keep breathing" by
keep breathing
the storm is coming but i don't mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.
all that i know is i'm breathing now.
i want to change the world...instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you and me.
but all that i know is i'm breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
all that i know is i'm breathing.
all I can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.
....and for grey's anatomy's fan, the grey's version...
this week is quite a week. been having insomnia for many days. barely slept 4 hours/day over the past 7 days. literally on standby mode till sunday...
this irregular sleeping pattern has made me lost of time, while i thought it's friday, it's already saturday. pretty bad...and i'm not proud of it.
my body is extremely exhausted however my mind is working like cheetah chasing the rabbits. i couldn't sleep, just too many things in my mind. work, career, finance, partner, clients, future prospect, offers, halt of projects etc...
i failed to be objective as i have and should always been. i was disillusioned by challenges, blinded by temptations. i was not able to focus and make decision objectively and efficiently,
and furthermore, my ever-solid confidence was deteriorating by seconds.
on thursday, i finally received an official note from my anchor client who contributes most of my company's revenue that the RM2.6million worth of project will be put on hold, indefinitely. and the overdue for 3 months might not be paid or till further notice. i've predicted the arrival but...
the first thing that came to my mind was, i must be naive enough to believe this windfall deal is happening in the first place. i was extremely moronic to even turned down all the great job offers i have been receiving for the past one year in order to hold on to this deal, which i had started planning since last july. and i was crazy & naive enough to hold on to my plate that barely serve 2 slices of bread daily for past 2 and half years. and i'm running against time. i just might be the
biggest fool who achieves nothing but complete the circle of a loser in 2 years time.
the wisest thing was to accept whatever offers in hand, and beijing was the only choice i have now. it's a fantastic offer to most people but for me, it's more like a rebound strategy, and i despise rebound choices. although, if i stay on fight for my company that single-handedly built
from zero dollars, i could still have chance to achieve my over zealous goal. few clients are already
queueing their jobs with me. but i lost my confidence, i'm no longer the confident & aspiring
executive i was once was. i just want to get out from everything, jump on the a ship and sail
away. i accepted the beijing offer on saturday, 5am.
but this decision didn't please me at all, instead i stayed awake throughout the day till next day mid night. i tried to sleep it off, trying very much to convince myself that beijing is a right move. i was in the situation where my head says: go, while my heart says: no. i got even more disturbed with this easy-way-out decision. i don't fancy beijing to begin with, and i don't like nokia phones, then the senior client was once my big boss back in grey worldwide and i know how stressful i would be to manage her. i remember those dark ages, i volunteered to manage one her projects but i was under appreciated and it tolled me from inside-out for 2 months, and due to my hectic schedule, my dog, a growing up puppy then had to live in the condition that today it cost his legs to have a minor defect, one thing that i really regretted in my entire life. and other little minor things that i irked was that i had to fork out (claim later) some rm10k before begining my duty. which, it should be managed by the company before i arrive.
on the other hand, i'm not satisfied with my performance with my company. i thought it
should be better now after 2 years of eating bread. i could see the prospects coming already,
if i were to let it go now then i would have to dissolve my company and give up everything that
i've built. is it worth it? but there is a potential series of challenges that i would face if stay back
to hold my fort. there's a high possibility that i would succeed and i might fold for good. both
percentage are equally high.
i know exactly what i want to do but at the same time i'm trying to find reasons to justify my actions. i just need someone to hear me talk but unfortunately i could not find the someone to hear my thoughts and my reasons. so i would just have to talk to myself and, i did. and no
conclusions derived...i guess, i supposed, i just need someone to tell me that i could do it even
if i chose the craziest path.
and luckily, i heard it finally.
i declined the beijing deal, once again. this time i'm more than serious.
and i've chosen the crazy path. but i'm relieved.
i would be more stressed, i know for sure. it's just another 2 more years. i will bite my teeth, hold my gum, i might lose more that i could imagine, but i could also win more than i could imagine.
but one thing for sure, i would retain my confidence back.
and i'm happy, relieved that i've chosen the craziest path.
now the up most task is to learn to enjoy my fore coming challenges.
the weakness in me
i'm not the sort of person
who falls in and quickly out of love
but to you i gave my affection right from the start
if i have a lover who loves me
how could i break such a heart
you can still get my attention right from the start
why do you come here when you know i got troubles enough?
why do you call me when you know i cant answer the phone?
make me lie when i don't want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
you make me stay when i should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?
why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by?
but i need to see you
and I need to hold you, tightly
baby
feeling guilty, worried
waking from tormented sleep
this old love has me bound but the new love cuts deep
if I choose now, I lose out
cause one of us has to fall
i need you and you aren't here
why do you come here when you know i got troubles enough?
why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone?
you make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool.
you make me stay when I should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?
you make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
you make me stay when I should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?
why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
when i need to see you
and i need hold you, tightly
baby
performed by
today is truly an eventful, very heavy, very humid, hot & punctured and not to mention that "today" began since yesterday's 3pm. and it's 1am now, i'm still awake from sunday.
i started the day by receiving a text message at 09.19am, a surprise yet predicted one. this message is not helping my already shattered mind from yesterday's silence. the following messages disrupted my hyped up spirit of trying to begin today, this monday as a new dawn for the fruit of our struggle for the company.
<<< "i'm going to service my car. i'll come in around 2pm." <<<
>>> "ok. But next time drop your car to service on saturday." >>>
<<< "i was busy on saturday." <<<
>>> "was it work related? and this saturday also not free? dude i think this is not working out. We need to talk later." >>>
<<< "it was my moms birthday. if you don't like it i'll resign." <<<
>>> "ok. if that's how you see it. And not able to see my point. Then it's better for us to part ways now & remain frens." >>>
<<< "ok. As you wish." <<<
>>> "I'm out for meetings & fix the pc. back only evening. i've issued cheque for u. you may collect it & pls. keep the thumb drive as a gift. Thanks for everything." >>>
that's how a initially-started-heart-pumping partnership ends. very abruptly,
not the way i wanted but sometimes things just have to end in a way that we least expected.
i'm feeling guilty & heavy for i had to choose to make such a decision but i don't have a choice. threats never work well with me. and not to mention that i've given up a so-called-easy-way-out job opportunity in beijing, hence what i need now is no more nonsense but full concentration on building up the empire. tardiness is definitely a no-no for this kind of situation. i didn't ask for much, i only ask for full 9-hours of dedication. clinching business, ensuring the stability
of the finance is my duty, all i'm asking is a full support in holding up my fort while i'm charging forward. not to mention that, you're taking twice amount of my pay. it might not be a lot,
but it's a lot for a small & growing company that only bills 3 times of your salary.
i'm scratching my head, having sleepless nights trying my means to ensure i keep up to my promise to able to pay your salary, so all i'm asking for is a little respect & initiative, yet i'm receiving nothing but bearing all burden on my already dwarf body.
anyway...then i moved on to my usual pc shop and on the way there suddenly realized that i have no money and i got to go to the bank...then the most bizarre thing happen, the most unusual jam at the most unusual time, and i have no way round but to use that route, not to mention my aircon's compressor broke down and today somehow is a crazy extremely hot day, i estimate as high as 36c! it's so uncool then i'm soaking wet with my overflowing perspiration in my sleek pink long sleeve shirt...damn, i'm totally unglamorous for the moment! yet, i had to go on or i would have no money to have my favorite iced vanilla latte...this blizzard weather not only cause me to be in the most unglamourous form, windows all wound down and smelling the exhaust fume but cause me to have heat rashes around my forehead...it's crazy....but it's funny at the same time, how many coincidence as such would happen on the same day?
then while waiting for my pc to be fixed, i was already zombie-fied from the heat & lack of sleep, then the heavy pours came, and so i had to be sober and act all cool in the pc shop to wait for the rain to stop.
but i love the most of my day was my grocery trip in carrefour. i say, walking in the midst of all the products is certainly something that keeps me alert and all excited. there's so many new things, interesting things, it even crossed my mind that one day i might wanna work as a fishmonger...looking at all the families, children, housewives, galore of products calms me. i actually love grocery shopping, and i tend to stay in the hypermart for hours usually. not into buying, but a great horizon of learnings how things move so fast, evolves so much amazes me. well, pushing the trolley is also another fun thing to do...and skii along with it even more fun.
i'm done, got my bread, my gas, very essential element when you're hungry in the middle of the night; tissues boxes, something i can't live without; my soya bean, and a craving for ribenna, i wonder why, i just wanna taste some sweetness tonight....and indeed, the glass i'm holding now proves that ribenna is best served chilled and it also great to go along with vodka....
i've been sneezing, having stiffed neck, insomnia & sleepy all at once...i've been a little down recently, stressed, mind is over-loaded with some issues that i wish i could settle them once & for all.
i've been feeling lazy, tired. i don't really know why. it could be because i've made some important decisions for my career. i was recently offered a job to beijing, something interesting. my role requires me to be a strategist for running a new marketing platform and to head up a new division for beijing office which will oversee the largest telco brand in china, and it's also the largest brand in the world, nokia.
partly because the salary package was below what i desired, the package was the same as what i was offered 5 years ago, so it means i'm backtracking 5 years if i were to accept the offer. however, the
offer was considered relatively high as compared to the industry standard in malaysia. few factors
would entice me to go over to beijing, colder weather, new environment, new role, and definitely a
good spring board for climbing corporate ladder. nonetheless, after thinking for 3 weeks,
i declined. and within 4 months, i've already declined 2 offers from international agencies.
i have my reasons, a few important ones. however, these reasons will require me to work doubly hard as it is. for one, is to continue focusing & pursuing my 5 year plan. i need to at least achieve it before i move on to other level. i wrote the similar story sometime back "august ordeal" & "i cried". and yet, i'm still talking about it here...sounds silly am i?
for two, is for people that i can't leave behind. the people the i love & treasure. it's silly, some would say, but i've lived long enough to know which is more important to me. well, if i could achieve what i desire and able to be close to people dear to me, then why should i leave for other land? anyway, i don't like chinese. u.s. or europe is a different story all together...
for three, my company is doing better, prospects are coming in. within the short span of 2 months, we acquired 3 new clients, and they are reputable names in their respective industries, taylor's university college, puma & emi music. although the business is still small and untested in terms of billings but is definitely promising for the future. now, we have total of 6 clients. 2 are also giant in their own field, berjaya land & magnum 4d. and the other client, my anchor client, a new brand which scheduled to launch this year that promising a couple millions worth of revenue. sounds good? superficially yes, i would say.
but i've been really stressed, bothered, heavy-headed lately of company's financial status due to delay collection from the anchor client, and the wicked weather is not helping. as such, i'm into my reclusive syndrome again, which makes me insomnia all over when i'm alone, and when i sleep, i will not want to wake up. i tend to not wanting to see anyone, or talk to anyone. i'm back to my reclusive-thinker mode, trying so hard to think what to do next, trying very much to justify my actions. some might say, i'm stupid cos' having a great offer in beijing would solve all these problems, but that would mean that i would need to ignore the potential of my company and wind it up instantly. which i think it would be silly as well.
i know, it's stupid, cos' it's what i would say to my staff, last time. taking action is what i need, finding solution is what i should be doing. yes, i will, i know i could, and i can, but all i need is a shoulder to lean on, just for a while, a person to hug, just for a while, someone who would hear my worries, just for a while, then i could bounce back and get on with it. but unfortunately, hope is always something that would bring disappointment.
i guess, it's time to jump start my engine, over haul and drive on....maybe, another few more days, i would..just give me another few more days....
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