i asked for happiness but santa granted me "pimpleness"...

seriously...why do i get pimples during christmas? damn...one above my lips, 3 on my chin and numerous tiny ones around my face...yes. those 4 are the noticeable ones...

that explains why i'm staying at home during christmas...

comon, i'm so old already...why do i still get pimples? hmm...could it be the food? i eat my favortie peanut butter with bread every morning, not really, whenever i wake up :)

or could it be my lifestyle? maybe...these days i'm having insomnia again...i'm happy & jolly but just been sleeping at 5am - 6am...but i have enough of sleep, well, believe me, i sleep like a baby...at least 6-8hrs :)

or could it be, the change of my age bracket? the beginning of 30s...is there such thing, early menopause? :)

few days ago, someone told me, i'm very charming & good looking...now i feel like a porcupine ...maybe is the compliment that i got? so god is punishing me...well, perhaps, he hates people who's better looking than him...haha...

nonetheless, finally i see something, one of my pimples is subsiding...phewiee...

and i'm craving for french fries again...is christmas...so a little craving is fine ya, my almighty?

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don't wish me happy birthday.

don't wish me happy birthday!
it's not a happy birthday when i'm obligated to your initiatives & kindness.
i don't want your kindness.
it's not a kindness when you expect me to repay you.

it's a loan.
it's worse than charity, worse than sympathy.

why do i need to celebrate my birthday your way?
when i said, i don't wish to celebrate my birthday, i mean it.

here i am, 12 midnight, 6 of november 2007.
my biological clock hit 32 finally.
and i'm alone.

i want to be alone and owe no one of any kindness.
i mean, any loan.
don't dump the loan on me.
i have no means and no power to repay this loan.
it only suffocates me, cos' i know you've expectation and one day you will ask for the repayment.

pls. understand and let me be...
i want to celebrate my birthday my way, quiet & peacefully.
no cake, no party, no hoo-hah, no alcohol, no dance, no special dinner...just a pure PEACEFUL moment.

may i have my freedom and deserve a peaceful day?
must i repay your initiatives & kindness on MY DAY?

i'm tired, exhausted to please everyone.
i want to be ME, a real ME.
i don't want to please anyone.
and i don't want to be the type of person you desire.
i just want to please myself, at least for once, one day in 365days.
let me be.

don't try to make me feel guilty. i had already told you i would feel guilty long time ago.
don't tell me that you've done this & that for me. i didn't plead for it.
don't try to claim what you deserve. i'm not a product.
don't call me a betrayal. i just want my freedom.

it's by far the worst birthday i've ever had in my 32 years.
so, pls. let me have a happy birthday, my way.
that's the only thing i'm pleading you.

wishing edwin a guilt-free birthday...amen.

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it's my fucking event!!

it's my fucking event!
it's my fucking house warming!
it's my fucking birthday!

and i'm free to invite whoever i want!
i'm fucking tired of pleasing everyone!
it's my fucking event!
don't give me your fucking vip attitude!
it's my fucking event!
let me have my own preference!
it's my fucking event!
let me be!

seriously, what's the fucking big deal about it???
it's my fucking birthday! i can choose to celebrate in anyway in anyhow i want!
even if i invite Osama is my fucking problem!
why do i need to please you when it's my birthday?

it's my fucking event!
so i choose who i want to see & who i want to invite!
the invitation is stated to welcome to bring a partner and if i invited your girlfriend but she doesn't ask you to come along is your fucking problem not mine!

it's my fucking event!
don't bloodly give me the VIP's SEE HOW attitude! and expect me to send you reminder?!?
want to come, come. don't want to come, don't.
seriously, i'm not throwing tantrum.
if you think i'm close to you, and my event is as important to you as you're important to me then come.
don't bloodly give me your VIP schedule that make my event a substitute to your other more happening event!
you're not doing me a favor if you come for my event! and i don't need this type of kindness!
i'm lazy and i only ask once, and have no interest in pursuing your presence.

it's my birthday! it's my event!
i want to have my choice and not to please & accomodate your choice!
i'm fucking tired & suffocated to please the whole fucking world!
i want to be alone on the day.
i'm moving to a deserted island.
period.

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i hate money..

yes..i hate money...call me crazy but don't call me stupid.

i hate money because money is the root of all evil, and the start of discrimination & prejudice...

if there is no money, we won't not have social class, people in india, indonesia & other 3rd world country will agree this with me.

and for most chinese especially, living without money is like living without god for muslims.

if not because of money, malaysia won't have NEP that specifically target to discriminate the non-bumi, well, mainly non-malays so to make the malays richer.

if not because of money i will not dislike most chinese, and reluctant to date chinese girls. ask 10 chinese girls, 9 will tell you that they want their boyfriend or husband-to-be to have a stable/promising career....what has my career growth got to with you?? are you already trying to leech on me in the future? imagine, in singapore it's known that if a guy without 5Cs is definitely out of the question...
- cash
- credit cards
- condominium
- cars
- care
- and i heard recently added few more Cs...

i wonder would they ever add Cock (big cock) as one of the Cs....

some girls will also judge the potential of the a boyfriend or future husband-to-be by his family's assets or his potential future assets, then will tell you, i love my boyfriend because he's stable and have a good future...what is your boyfriend's asset got to with you? got to do with your shopping addiction? or are you already planning to divorce me in 5yrs' time? for those who don't know this, in some advanced country when a couple divorce, the wife will get 50% of the husband's assets, intangible & tangible.

a side note: in canada & in some states of the USA, if you're a live-in couple but not married, you're to cover your partner's debt should your partner died or gone disappeared! (this apply to both sexes)...so be wise ;)

now this sickening cult attitude has reach malays too...well, probably it happened ages ago only till todate that it has become a mandatory for future husband selection. and one thing ironic about this is, mostly the females are the victim!

and indians? hmm..do we need to go into this? well, i must or i would be regarded as racist again. indians, they will just judge you by how much can they swindle from you...don't blame me for saying this...but it's a known fact that indians can't be trusted. even from my closest indians friends told me the this and claimed that they hate indians too....and yet..they are just one of them, and cheated me! i still wish to give them the benefit of the doubt...but sadly...i'm running out of luck i guess...

and i was told by my indian friend, that indians still practice marriage within families. meaning, cousins will marry cousins, and i mean your sister will marry your father's sister's son!....the reason?? to keep the family's assets within the family!

because of money, friend will also value you with a certain degree, this has nothing to do with race...but usually chinese has a greater feeling towards this...sorry chinese..these friends will avoid you when you're in the deep financial crisis...well, you don't have to go into deep shit, just tell them you need some money...see what happens...you'll know...well, i'm not saying all...just mostly...they will also choose who to mix with...by how kind are they to share their money with them!

frankly speaking...i hate money...i have never used money to judge who to mix with or who could be by potential girlfriend or future wife, in this instance, could be wives!...and if you should wish that you're my first wife and not my no.3....by then you will not get much from me if you divorce me....

yes, if you ask me what is my dream...i would tell you i would be a millionairre by 35.
but don't get me wrong...i don't love money, but i'm only using money as a calculation of my achievement...and by then, as i've always been, i would leave my height and start something new again...

this is my dream, when i reach the million mark, i would donate a portion of my fortune, could be 50%, to the charity homes......anyway, i don't really need them by then, even at this moment it means nothing to me. would i leave them to my kids? hmm...i would, just enough for them to complete their studies & live like a normal person...that's it..and the rest they will have to make them themselves....

so......i believe no girls would marry me now...haha..

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i cried...

i cried.

it's been really long time since i cry watching local tv production. but this time, this show made me tear.

it's a show about people who lives their dream. it's called Dare2Dream. this is the first time i'm watching it, this particular episode really touched me. it's about this guy who's a art director, working & living in NYC. he tells the story about his endeavours in the New York City pursuing his dream as an advertising specialist. when he first moved to NYC he was so broke, had to knock on every door to beg for a job and have to eat a can of beans for his Xmas day. and could not come home when his parents died. really sad. he's doing great now, in a reputable advertising agency. he has achieved his dream as a reputable art director in the most vibrant & creative city in the world.

his story really touched me. so much similarity. so much determination he has put into pursuing his dream. something he said really concurred to what i believe all the time.

"...believe in your dream, people might say your dream is crazy, and you're crazy. but believe in yourself, hold on to it. there are so many things out there, better things out there. you have to believe in yourself, do your best, go out and grab them, don't let anyone bring you down...."

really makes sense and these are my belief as well. i'm pursuing the craziest dream that you could think of. i wanna be a communication legend. a reputable branding & advertising specialist in the region and probably in the world.

many people told me, "think straight", "do within your means", "are you ready?"... some even just laughed & smirked when they hear me say things like wanna feature my face on the cover of the Fortune magazine. I usually get that when i'm on job interview. sometimes i wonder, why do they ask what is my dream? since they don't even appreciate it when i told them about my dream...

i'm still pushing, pushing myself. it's not easy. many told me so. but what is easy in this world? when everything is easy, within your reach. then what's the meaning of life? when our life is monotonous, did we really appreciate our lives as what god & our parents have given to us?

i always believe: we must be crazy once in our lifetime...we must be stupid once in our life time...we must be a mistake once in our life time. without these "silly" actions, our life will never be complete. without pushing ourselves once in our life time, our life will just be a piece of white paper, no colours, no strokes, no ink, no mark, just plain square white paper.

seriously, what have you done since you're born that makes your life different from others? what have we done that made us so proud that one day we could share the story with our children, our grand children?

i'm still pushing, i've been to the higher ground and i've been to the lowest point. but i'm still far away from my highest peak. someday, i'll be there. someday....just have to keep doing my best.

and hope everyone can believe themselves too.

our dream is our journey, our faith is our strength...there is no one else but you to decide your life, your fate and your destination.

keep it up everyone who's reading this...someday i'll meet you at your peak.

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august ordeal

this month has been a very challenging month for me...lots of things have happened, mostly are not very good, of course. it may just be another bad month for me. last year, same time, was also a very stressful month for me. it has become a ritual for me, one shit month, and july & august have always been the testing month for me.

whether i can move on or not, this will decide my fate. so far, i've managed to solve & recover from most of the misfortunes that had happened to me. this has become a habit for me. come to think of it, july & august have been bad months for me for many years. and by September & October i will be ok. this pattern has been happening to me for many years.

here are the shits i was going through this month:

• bad discussion with landlord who refuse to refund my deposit on the day i move (31/8/2007)
• tried various sources to get a overseas job but nothing came out
• got into financial trouble which left me only RM50 in my pocket
• got into a serious fight with a close friend
• someone who i interested in decided to return to her ex.
• scheduled to meet a very important person in singapore but was stood up
• got into a minor vehicle accident but i was fine
• fell sick to fever for 4 days
• late payment collection from the clients
• tore my face and tried to borrow money from relatives but none was able to give a hand
• additional redundant work require for a very old project that dragged since last year
• cooking half way and ran out of gas in the middle of the night and forced to throw away the food
• car broke down and left no air condition and power steering, had to drive like driving a truck for few days
• car's tyre punctured while rushing for an important meeting
• refrigerator broke down
• almost died when cleaning the cabinet at the new hse, the cabinet door hit the fan & spun down and cut my neck...
• had lots of minor cuts & bruises while moving the house, guess i'm just not cut to be a labouror...

haha...it's quite funny, somehow i'm not really disturbed by all these. dejected a bit yes, but i was able to treat all these with a very calm & easy heart and i smile when those happened to me. i wonder why. i wonder where did i get the strength. could it be because i've been through the worst? there was once where i had to result to eat bread for months, which i hated bread, and i only able to eat instant noodles (maggi mee) during the good days, and i don't like maggi mee too. and now, i eat bread and i kinda like it.

sometimes i think, the environment & circumstances make us a better & stronger man. i've been through that and sometimes i asked for it.

there was a time when i was such a high flyer in my previous advertising company, i was doing very well, at least for people with my same years of experience, i decided to quit my job all because i was too comfortable , i decided i needed a change, to push my luck a bit further, i quit my comfortable working life without hesitation. i wanna use my bare hands to achieve something. with that decision, it took me almost 1.5 years to recover.

then i did it again, this time was to protect my dignity when i was a GM in one of the veteran film company. all because i didn't want to cahoot with the management to manipulate & ill-treat my staffs. i regard my staffs as the most valuable asset to my company and to my success. i could not agree with the way the top management want me to do those unethical things to them. i decided to quit and start my own business. and yes, i'm suffering since then but i'm happy. i'm in bad financial situation when i used up all my savings and had to let the bank to reclaim my car but i've no regrets. that is when i started to appreciate bread and now i can cook excellent "maggi-mee goreng".

i've always have plan in my life, my career especially. my 1st plan was to become an account director in 5 years time, where most people take 7-8years. then my next aim was to become GM by 30 years old and make at least RM10k per month. so far i've achieved & exceeded them all.

now i'm in my 3rd 5-year plan, it's been 1 year & 10 months now. i've had my downs & ups, and i'm down again. and i know my up is coming, and is slowly taking shape.

during those challenging period, i sincerely thank my close ones, my friends, and everyone who believe in me and gave me a lending hands. without them i can never pull through.

i dont like to hope but this time, i hope, i hope things will go smooth for me. it's about time for me to repay them.

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you said, i said

you said you wanted time
i'm giving all my life
you said you needed the truth
i vow with my life

you said you are confused
i'm giving you my trust
you said you are stressed
i'm giving you my bless

you said you are not good for me
i'm giving you my faith
you said i should give up on you
i'm giving you my fame

you said timing is not right
i'm giving you more time
you said go look for better
i'm willing to be tamed

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Kisah kita bagai impian

Banyak bedanya sudah kau tak ada disisi
Harian aku tidak berharum lagi
Hilang maknanya hidup karena sepi
Aku tidak ingin kau pergi
Sesudah kita lalui semua
Aku ingin kau tahu aku masih ada
Aku tetap kangen walau tak dengar suara
Cintaku bisa dikatakan dalam sejuta kata

Semoga kau sehat walau aku tidak ada disana
Aku tidak ingin melihat kau dirasa susah
Aku ingin kau selalu gembira
Aku tidak ingin melihat kau berduka
Aku memang ingin engkau saja
Biar semua orang bilang aku gila
Tidak ada maaf aku terasa
Karena hidupku tercipta untuk kau saja

Walau waktu kita begitu kurang
Aku akan sabar dan bertenang
Walau ada banyak tantangan
Aku masih akan hulurkan tangan
Walau kisah kita bagai impian
Aku tetap menunggu kehadiran
Walau nasib kita dipenuhi dengan selingan
Kitalah yang menentukan takdir kita


"inspired by someone...for someone..."

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i wanna get out

i wanna get out.
i wanna leave this room.
i wanna get out from this place.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna give up everything i have.
i wanna just go to one place and do nothing.
i wanna see someone and doing nothing.
i wanna just go to a deserted area and do nothing.
i wanna go to a place where i don't have to use my brain.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna hold someone.
i wanna have no regrets.
i wanna leave everything behind and start a new.
i wanna have nothing to do with what i plan in the future.
i wanna rest.
i wanna leave everything behind.
i wanna talk to someone.
i wanna know if i'm crazy or just insane.
i wanna leave my room.
i wanna tell someone.
i wanna give up.
i wanna hold on.
i wanna have nothing to do with my life.
i wanna rest.
i wanna have someone who understands me.
i wanna hug someone.
i wanna cry.
i wanna hold on to something meaningful.
i wanna have a new meaning in my life.
i wanna scream.
i wanna be strong.
i wanna be crazy.
i wanna be missed by someone.
i wanna cry.
i wanna walk.
i wanna stop writing.
i wanna stop thinking.
i wanna stop planning.
i wanna do it now.
i wanna have it now.
i wanna be with it now.
i wanna have no wants anymore...

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story

i'm eating but i'm not hungry
i don't like the reflection of my story
the fish has no salt and i need some chilli
i need it to be more savory
i'm eating because i need to live

i'm lonely but i'm still fiery
i don't like to be on the bed and write my story
the ceiling has no color and i need a fairy
i need to be less sorry
i'm lonely because i need a person

i'm calm but i'm weary
i don't like messages with no story
the screen is empty and i need some guarantee
i need it to be instantly
i'm calm because i need a reason

i'm certain but i'm uneasy
i don't like knocking with no story
the sound is blasting and i need to make enquiry
i need to hear a good detailing
i'm certain because i know what i need

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but...

i'm seeking the truth of my next phrase, it's a painful process but i guess i need to.

i'm eating less these days, not because i don't have money but because i need more time to think.

i'm sleeping less these days, not because i don't need to rest but because i afraid to sleep alone.

i'm smoking more these days, not because i enjoy inhaling but because i need to breathe hard.

i'm laughing more these days, not because i'm happy but because i need to hide my emotion.

i'm socializing more these days, not because i love to entertain but because i need distractions.

i'm on computer more these days, not because i love looking at the screen but because i need something interesting.

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follow

5 days has passed.
we're in a new phase.
closer than you think.
tighter than you think.

like the stars in the sky.
brighter when is apart.
clash when they meet.
this is the lie we're in.

could you walk a bit slower?
bend a little lower?
hear my cello.
hear my sorrow.

another 5 days has passed.
still in the same phase.
my heart still beats.
still holding the pieces in me.

against the wall,
i look above the door.
is the ceiling that i know.
what's beyond the window?

could you walk a bit slower?
bend a little lower?
hear my cello.
hear me roar.

would you walk a bit slower?
bend a little lower?
tend my hollow.
let me follow, closer.

inspired & dedicated to my dear, my best friend, my baby

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ruby is dead. those bastard shall pay!

ruby "little black nose" yap.
19 april 2006, 4.40am - 10 july 2007, 6.17pm

my beloved cat is dead.

his name is ruby.

one of my most favorite cats.

super duper "manja", always around my feet when i'm at my work desk.

always rushes back home when he sees me home.

always makes the funny sound when he was hungry and decided to return from his pussy-hunting trip.

"as if i owe you" i told him many times. "why make so much noise when you're hungry?"

annoyed the hell out of me, mostly but i love him dearly.

now i wish to hear his annoying sound but no more.

doctor said, he was hit by blunt object. cos' there is no wound, no blood, no bone fractured. could be hit by car / motor or beaten by someone or he fell from high ground but unlikely.

i saw him emotionless when i was on my way for meeting. tried to send him back through the door but he seem helpless, only moved with 2 front legs. picked him next to the food and rushed to the meeting.

i rushed home as soon as i can from the meeting. on the way to the doctor, ruby was making his usual 'manja' sound...i said to him..."don't worry, daddy is here ok?" he responded with silent. he understood.

then doctor said, the lower waist & legs have not feeling but should be ok. could be just the nerves. few painkillers and massage him gently few times a day should be just fine and he will recover. while i was making joke about have to massage him like working overtime.

1.5 hour later, i tried to put him next to my bed room as i want to take a nap and thought to massage his legs a bit then the unbelievable thing happen. he seem even more "boneless", his head drop to the side. tongue is stuck out then i realized his heart beat stop, so was mine.

rushed to the doctor and they pronounced him dead.

i find it hard to believe it. he was still very active and making noise yesterday. and now he's dead. taking his body home, on the way driving, my tears can't help but flow. my nose can't help but blocked. it's the first time i shed tears for my baby. i only start to think back. maybe it's me who has not took notice earlier...but i know it's over.

i hate to bury cats. this is my third time already. one was ramped over by my housemate, one was hit by the car. and one similar thing is all these 3 are the most obedient among the rest. one difference is, this time round it's not in the mid night.

and he suffered less, i think, i hope.

seems like the kindest are usually short-lived.

i curse those bastards who is evil enough to raise their stick to hit my little black nose ruby.

i curse those bastards who for being such an irresponsible moron drivers.

nonetheless, i think i'm too to be blame. i should have loved him more.

i hope he was happy when he was my baby.

rest in peace when he died in my arms.

period.

























ruby's final moment, husky boy is guarding him. 4.46pm.

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i hate weddings...

i hate attending weddings. especially chinese wedding. i always drag my feet to my house doors. but the thing is they never seem to fail to invite me. my friend said, cos' wedding makes us feel lonely and want a girlfriend and get married instantly..

hmm..really? maybe. but i hate it because i feel old and mostly the monotonous part...

few things i really bored with chinese wedding is, the "yumseng"(Chinese way of toasting), everyone is screaming out loud, you could almost break your ear drum when the person next to you is doing the quirking yell. "yumseng" is what we scream & yell through our already alcohol-swelled lips yet "yumseng" this 2 words don't mean a thing, it means bottoms-up! well, it's probably the favorite words by some chinese. they use it frequently in the bars, pubs and even at the high class restaurants.

you could almost know what are you're gonna eat. the menu has never changed for 30 years, well at least this how i remember through my entire life. the only fun thing to do, probably is to guess which dish will not appeal or which would be replaced. or, how many dishes does the dinner serve, usually we have 8-9 courses depending on how rich the couple is. some people actually create a small gambling dent for this betting purposes. well, trust us, the chinese, anything to do with gambling & making fortune, we will definitely think of it.

the standard menu are:

1. cold plate with salad prawn, squid, jelly fish, dried nuts with veges.
2. shark's fins soup
3. chinese-styled bbq chicken, sometimes paper-wrapped chicken
4. dry-fried tiger prawns, if you're lucky
5. steam fish, what kind of fish depending on the couple's choice (taste buds & the bank account's)
6. sea cucumber with mushrooms and broccoli
7. lotus leaf-wrapped glutinous rice, sometime you just get plain fried rice (the chinese restaurants at your house corner could taste better)
8. chinese tong-shui/desert
9. fruits. if you're lucky.

and most of the time, the hotels' food is really bad. so i usually take one bite for each course served, just to make it a worth trip. it's for the table mannerism. after all, i paid the angpow..hehe

another thing that is really dreadful is the waiting time for each course to be released from the under-staff hotel.

and chances are you would see more drunkards than your usual pubs & clubs. well, after all, they paid the angpow, "you deserved to be drunk, bro!"

the undeserving invitees, who wears informally to such a formal & special event. some with T-shirts or short-sleeve shirts, torn jeans with colorful top, or batik top, since when batik is a FORMAL? we're not politician, this is not a malay function nor a national event. why batik? datuk wannabe? oo...it's a national/traditional costume, then why can't you wearing cheongsam/sam-fu for goodness sake? i thought you're a chinese?

well these are usually apply to the men only. for the ladies, they love this event, probably the few only (or ONE) chance to showcase the dress that they made their husband/boyfriend prove their love with their underpaid salary.

had anyone wonder...? would he still yumseng out loud or would she still marry him after knowing how their own individual party as a single-man/woman was?

anyway, hen's night & bachelor's night were meant to be a secret, the only one that a married couple should keep. and yes, for life.

not forgetting the itinerary is always the same standard.

1. emcee's speech, welcome guests.
2. a short clips & story of the couple...same old standard, how they meet etc...common stance but usually very sweet :)
3. the grand entrance our lovely newly wed
4. short performance. usually is a stage arrangement especially done by the hotel for the newly wed....sometimes can be really hilarious & tedious...if you have this, then the food presentation is normally blend into this performance.
5. then the food presentation, some ol' same ol' dime the light then Kitaro music playing at the background, all waiters lined up in parade then slowly serve the first few tables. remember i said, under-staff. sometimes i even get Star Wars music played! WT...?
6. then the rest is eat! eat! eat! fight for every piece on the table. well, you do get gentleman like me who refuse to start first.
7. then fashion show time for the couple. well, only for the bride usually. this is what the groom deserved.....a beautiful wife, for a day.
8. short thank you speech from the couple then cut the wedding cake. usually a very dramatic & touchy moment. look around you'll see the couple are tearing and the parents too.
9. pour the champagne then of course the toasting ceremony. "yumsenggggg"!! funny! but sometimes can be very fun to watch those brothers screaming out loud...i would just open my mouth pretending i was screaming too...or rather i was stunned by the majestic collaboration of the ultra orchestrated screaming.
10. and yes, my favorite part, photography session.
    

all these always make me wanna have a out-of-the-world wedding plan. it's a once-a-life-time event, after all, getting married is the most unconventional you would do in your life. so why not make it unique?

then i thought i would probably can't afford my own dream wedding, maybe i shall just stick to the standard package...or just kahwin lari? haha...

but...there are exception cases too.

i attended a wedding yesterday, a good friend of mine, a good rock climbing mate. the wedding was quite sweet, the husband went on the stage to sing a song for his wife. he secretly practiced 6 months for her. and he was tearing when he said thank to his new in-laws. well-done man!

i didn't regret attending this one thou...congrats to Anne & Eric.

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breathe

walking under the trees
holding the vase hoping to be free
should i stop to breathe?
should i feel the breeze?

running around in circle
chasing the demon of fiscal
should i stop to breathe?
should i feel the bliss?

i'm running towards you
i'm holding my last youth
i'm running towards you
i'm holding my last peace

wondering where is the face
arching, looking for the trace
should i stop to breathe?
should i feel the tease?

hoping the fairy will be waiting
crunching every bit to be wanting
should i stop to breathe?
should i feel my beats?

i'm running towards you
i'm holding my last sanity
i'm running towards you
i'm feeling the anxiety

should i stop to breathe?
should i stop and break?

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9 crimes

9 crimes

leave me out with the waste this is not what i do
it's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you
it's the wrong time for somebody new
it's a small crime and i got no excuse
and is that alright yeah?

i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah?
if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?
is that alright yeah?
i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah, with you?

leave me out with the waste this is not what i do
it's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
it's the wrong time she's pulling me through
it's a small crime and i got no excuse
and is that alright yeah?

if i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah?
if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?
is that alright yeah?
i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright?
is that alright with you?
is that alright yeah?

if i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah?
if you don't shoot it how am i supposed to hold it?
is that alright yeah?
i give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright?
is that alright with you?

and is that alright yeah?
is that alright yeah?
is that alright yeah?
is that alright?
is that alright?
is that alright with you?
no?

performed by damien rice & lisa hannigan

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speechless

i want it, i need something.
i've struggled for everything.
i've given the best for anything.
at the end, the distance seems never ending.

is it so hard to get what i want?
how many times do i need to be brunt?
giving the best, working the most.
is still not the answer to be the best?

i need a room, i need a big room,
just by myself, no one else but one.
i need a space, i need an open space.
so i can run around and hit no one.

i'm confined in the room that i've built.
i need a ladder, where leads me to the edge.
and i want to jump from the peak
into the pool of the normality.

i want to be ordinary.
just a plain ordinary person.
being different is too tiring.
why is it so hard to be common?

i have too many dream perhaps.
i have too little time perhaps.
something has got to give.
but i have given more than i ditch.

i'm seriously speechless, not the first time
but this time i'm seriously running out of time

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choose to believe or investigate the truth?

to believe is truly a choice...

when we choose to believe someone it's because we want to, not because he/she has earned our trust.

when we want to believe, we would, and eventually will... actually, we really don't have much choices here.

if we choose not to believe someone then the only way is to investigate the truth...it's more exhausting and often would be a disastrous end.

but before we investigate are we prepared for the truth? often before we ask a question, we already have the answers in our mind. the only question is, is this the answer we're seeking for? or we believe otherwise?

then why ask?

is it just because you wanna hear the "answers" that would satisfy your below average self-esteem? often we said, i wanna hear the truth...are we really ready to accept the truth?

most of the time, we prefer people to lie to us when it comes to the ugly truth. we want the answers that sooth our heart. but at the same time, we want the truth...sad but truth...we most of the time, really don't know what we want...hehe..

i was once told, ask the right question. if you don't know what you're seeking for, don't ask.

well-said, if we don't know what are we asking, we'll never get the answers that we want. well, probably we would need to ask many questions to find the answers. damn tiring to ask...and damn tiring to answer...maybe that's why couples stop communicating after few years...maybe they already made their choice, choose to trust.

after reading this you may not agree..but at the end, the choice is yours, you may choose not to believe... ;)

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chinaman with flat limpy hair and metal frame glasses

chinaman with flat limply hair are just fucking twat.

with the additional metal frame glasses...they just added the shit to the bunghole.

they just have those "out of the world" thinking. truly irritating and worst still they think they are the smartest and better off than others and of cos, they're the most racist among all. they hate every race except their own....why huh? you won't get the answer. cos' they will never give you the answer, they would just storm off when they think you're not worth their time...as if my time was any less valuable. but i'm sure one thing, they cannot and will not able to participate in an intellectual & professional conversation, let alone a genuine discussion.

they are one hell of the worst driver you would ever met on the street. take a look, be a little more observant, you'll see...those lame drivers, slow like fucking snail, signal & turn without looking out for other cars, day dreaming at the traffic light, drive in the middle of the road and think their name is Yap Ah Loy...

they have the ancient way of dressing, truly embarrassing if they are 10 steps from me. i would jump the wall if i need to. i would cover my face and start speaking malay if i have to. (thank god i've mastered my malay to speak like a malay.)

the worst kind of drinking buddy, not clubbing buddy, they would never have those privilege to club with me! even the drinking bit was a true unfortunate coincidence, they fucking behave as if they are the reincarnated "alcoholic god", force you to drink and shout "bottoms up!", "you're so damn slow!", "are you keeping gold fish?"...damn. who would drink red wine like that? only the CHINESE.

and yes, there will never be a "yum-sang" session in my future wedding..

they are also the most unhygienic type, ask them when was the last time they ever trim their pubic hair. you'll know. err...i think you better don't go there..there is also some kind of funky smell if they walk pass you...like a dead mammal that was left to soak in the rain for centuries.

this type of human kind also happens to be the most stingy among all human race, a true miser, truly disgusting...they are extremely calculative and anal to every details...well, i'm not saying particular or eyes for detail, i'm saying fucking irritatingly trying to spot for your weakness at all-time so they can eat you up and shout "you're stupid and you deserved it!!"

think i'm racist? by all means, i don't give a flying care about what you think, i'm chinese and i'm not proud of it. they are a true disgrace to the 5000 years of civilization.

call me a generalistic prick, i don't really care, cos' i've had enough of these parasites.

my previous landlord was a genuine shit. peep at us at all time and he looks like those sex maniac you see in Hong Kong movies.

my current landlord is another pimple in the arse! peep at my house at times and often spit indigestible remarks. damn calculative to the bones and think that he's divine.

my xenophobic self was very much developed by those parasites around me..thanks to them. really, thanks to them, i would kill myself and my entire descendants if they ever look & behave like them.

well, am i not chinese? i'm a just a ABC, an Accidental Born Chinese.

but i love my parents, thank god they hate those pricks too and taught me well to disassociate myself from those parasites...

and yes, i'm racist, and i hate the typical chinese...period.

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life in mono

monotonous is a blessd...i believe so...at least when i'm smoking.

haha...monotonous can really be a blessing sometimes. someone told me once that he's poor and not as intelligent as others...hence he can not comprehend some situation and life is monotonous...i think it's fucking great! cos' he would spend less time on trying to intellectualize the conversation more time in communicating with his family, less time on screwing the government and more time in voting the stupid government, less affort to scold the idiot drivers and more enthusiast in being a model-driver, less complaints in everything and work doubly hard than others....

comparing to them...im a lot less fortunate, i do exactly everything opposite to them....and it never really make me happy...

hmm..it's time to think a bit lesser than normal....

starting from today, nope, NOW...

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are we all sucker for beauty?

i like beautiful things, i like beautiful (and clean) people and i'm always drawn into the swirl of mesmerization.

strange things happens everyday...when we walk by something captivating, we would pause, then walk again. what was attracting us to hold on to our busy steps?

at the mall, we would stop at the certain shop, be it courageously walk into the shop that you know you can't afford or merely just browsing the items displayed by the window. and this is what i told, Window Shopping. what did we actually purchase by browsing the windows? why do we call it window shopping? i think we did shop afterall but just didn't use our cold cash. i think we did shop, we did buy the aspirational value. afterall we did pay for the parking and the transportation fee to get there, gas or taxi.

and sometimes when go to the club, we would pause our heated conversation when a stunning lady walked by or a handsome looking chap came thru, yes, i do look at men. i guess i'm a sucker for beauty...

i know lots of people do this too, abruptly reduce their speed on the highway when the opposite lane had an accident, be it jus a tyre punctured or a fatal accident...at least, i know i don't stop by the roadside to check out the registration number of the accidented car...

i guess not everyone is a sucker for beauty afterall...

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kindness, a weakness?

i'm not long-winded, i just whine a little because i'm kind.

is that my weakness? being kind a true reflection of a pussy? i love being kind, i love giving people the benefit of the doubt but i hate it when my intuition turn out right... which happens most of the time. i've learned, being kind is the only way out, the only way to outwit my prejudgemental self.

i can see through people easily hence, it made me pass on judgement on anyone i see or speak to for the very first time, it's not because i want to, but because i have the gift. But sometimes i regard it as a curse. Because with this prejudgement, you tend to be very selective of who you mix with and who you would pour your secret and rely your comfort to. It's a curse as it does not let you have the free chance to explore and get-to-know a friend. it stops you from pursuing further to a deeper relationship, let alone a simple mutual friendship.

so i've learned, being kind is the only way. and i reckon kindness is also the deadliest weapon to handle your rivals. being able to forgive and accept the situation would only help me to be a happier person. and it force my rivals to appreciate consequences of their own actions alone. As i was never meant to avenge and would not react to any action taken by my rivals, their falls will only be resulted solely by their own methods & doing. they would have no avenue to put the blame on, definitely not on me. i was able to accept them as they are, and help them through it. it only add on to their guilt and reconcile on the previous deeds they have done on me....and at the end, i'm still the happiest & probably a well-respected person. but...i might curse them a bit before i sleep to make myself happy a little...

but there are people who loves to take advantage of my weakness, mistake my kindness as my weakness well, chances are they will not live that long to realise that they have made a mistake, 'cos one thing for sure, i'll ignore them and move on. by the time they realised they've made the mistake, i'm already gone. it will only leave them to shoulder the guilt and carry on to the rest of the life. how many man can live that long when the guilt keep haunting them? i wonder...

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sailing

i sat in the boat looking at the sky
while my mind sailed to the other side
what was i really thinking, i wonder
but i know my mind is trembled

i thought through the night till the stars fade
while my eyes had never left the end of the curtain
am i cant let go of the shadows of the time
or i just cant stop thinking of reverting the rhyme

laughters are the funniest thing, it made you happy
but now those laughters made me feel a little sorry
yet is the tears that made me move on
and is the broken pieces that keep me standing strong

i'm moving on not cos' i'm strong
i'm leaving behind cos' i wanna take a little stroll
the happiness that we pursued may not be what it seems
the differences that drifted us may just be the better things

i sit in the boat looking at the sky
my mind still sails to the other side
i'm thinking of which is the right path
i know i have to leave the past to dust

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gay or straight

are you gay?

this is the common question that was provoked to me most of time when a gal felt that i was a little well-dressed. was i really gay? i wonder sometimes... haha...but the truth is..being well-dressed doesn't always make you more gay or less gay if you're sloppier...

gay was never meant for homosexual...it means, happy, carefree, bright & showy ...so how does gay turn out be the GAY that we all recognised? strange, but i guess cos' the homosexuals are more outgoing and more extrovert in terms of their sexual preference which result in their dress style...hang on does that mean that straights are mostly boring when comes to styling? i reckon that thou...especially the male....

you can easily tell if the men are straight......but not when they are crook....shouldn't the opposite for straight is crook....ok gay or lesbian....cos' the straight men are usually boring & plain...or rather no sense of style when comes to dressing themselves up...haha...

most of the time when a straight-man being asked "are you gay?" they got very offended from it...but sometimes it's really a compliment when i was approached by gay men or rather some women asked me if i'm gay...strange feeling but somehow make me feel great ;) it only shows how much better dressed i'm compared to the dull & boring straight men..haha

sometimes i'm attracted to see the good looking people...regardless of sex...does that make me gay or bi-sexual? i guess we all in somewhat attracted to beautiful things. and if that is the symtom of being gay...then we all are gay-inclined...the question would be how much is the inclination?

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when we view religion with logic..

I've been living in exile recently, feeling drifted from reality everyday. From everything that I own to things that I thought I have. Sometimes people falls from the highest peak they thought they were. Finding hard to pick themselves up from where it was left. I believe everyone needs to fall, and fall badly at least once in their lifetime or their life will just be monotonous & colourless. Though it's painful sometimes but it's worth it at the end. Cos' the next time we climb we could be at a higher peak. However, there are things that we probably can't get by...so people seek god's help, so I was told.

I've always been a believer of non-believer. Believe there's always a possibility in all impossibilities. I always try to find an answer to everything & anything but if you ask me, do I believe in god exist? I really don't have the answer.

I'm a 21th century man. I believe in science & logic. I believe in problem & solutions. So do i knee down and pray when I hit the wall? I don't. Do i seek god's help? I don't. I wonder sometimes do god create man or man created god? Everyman needs a pillar in their life...this has been a pattern since men saw sunrise & sunset and got lost in the night. They started to seek for an answer to this phenomena and the only answer they got, well at the beginning of the centuries what did the human know anyway? A (group) extraordinary man was there to test them & torture them was probably their only reasonable answer. Furthermore they had dreams, interestingly, human start to have dream even before they actually know they do. And dreams became their only answer to everything. Hence, ultra-believers emerged.

Now, we do know that we dream every night and some dreams were a bit extraordinary. The person that talks to us in our dreams, are they god? I know you would most definitely say no. But interestingly, the people before the centuries believed it was god who spoke to them. Well, at least, that is how we have our religions. Buddhism, Taoism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam etc...weren't all these "religions" started by dreams?

Should we still pray or should we just sleep early and hope for more dreams and "answers"? If today, one man came to you and said, "God spoke me and told that everything man has done is wrong, and I'm your next messiah. I'll lead you to the right path." What would you do? I bet, 99.99% will think this man is a lunatic and the more "educated ones" would probably think he's a schizophrenic. What if there is one man who believes him, and follows him, then two then four, then eight, then sixteen...by this time... we'll call them a Cult (?!) This is such a deja vu...isn't it this is how a new religion began? I believe, the greatest Public Speakers are the Messiah...wrong, not the preacher...the Messiah. Cos' he ( I wonder why there was never a female Messiah...was the God a sexist? Or were we in the era that women's opinion is not "justifiable"?) was able to convince you that there's God :) He was able to convince you to believe something that you're not able to see, feel or touch. You may say, He spoke to you...are you sure is a He not Her? And are we sure the voice is not from our own? If Schizophrenia was recognized more than 3000 years ago, would there still be God? So did we speak to Him or ourself?

Let's just say, there's a God (I meant "a"). He is almighty, he is the most powerful "being" in the universe...He probably is also the greatest Brand Strategist.. Do you think he would speak to us in the language so we could understand Him? He could even disguise himself as one of us so to be our friend? Does it sounds like devil I'm talking about now? But He's almighty, if devil could do it, why not him? Which in fact, He probably did, and started first. That is probably why we got so many religions in the world.. Well, but think again, the greatest marketeer is not God, the greatest marketeer or manipulator ( I would call those for their own greed) are the preachers. They have made us believe that whatever we do, I mean whatever we do is a sin. And we deserved to be punished and tortured, or better put it TESTED. He'll also tell us, our faith in him make us stronger. So we believe them, and when we fall, we pray for forgiveness, we pray for no more obstacles, to have some help (invisible help), to be stronger, for next endeavour...But the simplest thing we would tell our children is when you fall, you get up, jump over the rocks and move on...So do we really get stronger as our "faith" grow stronger with us?

The "Strong faith" ones will think that those without religion are lost. But are we having "Strong faith" or are we being "Misled"? How many times have the Holy Books been reprinted & "improvised" (for individuals' comfort)? How many thoughts we have are actually originally ours? If there's God, He made us more superior than other beings by giving us a brain that could think & analyze, did we use it wisely? Or did we actually use it?

Well, do god create man or man created god for their own comfort?

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