i'll be more stressed..but i'm happy

this week is quite a week. been having insomnia for many days. barely slept 4 hours/day over the past 7 days. literally on standby mode till sunday...

this irregular sleeping pattern has made me lost of time, while i thought it's friday, it's already saturday. pretty bad...and i'm not proud of it.

my body is extremely exhausted however my mind is working like cheetah chasing the rabbits. i couldn't sleep, just too many things in my mind. work, career, finance, partner, clients, future prospect, offers, halt of projects etc...

i failed to be objective as i have and should always been. i was disillusioned by challenges, blinded by temptations. i was not able to focus and make decision objectively and efficiently, 
and furthermore, my ever-solid confidence was deteriorating by seconds.

on thursday, i finally received an official note from my anchor client who contributes most of my company's revenue that the RM2.6million worth of project will be put on hold, indefinitely. and the overdue for 3 months might not be paid or till further notice. i've predicted the arrival but...  

the first thing that came to my mind was, i must be naive enough to believe this windfall deal is happening in the first place. i was extremely moronic to even turned down all the great job offers i have been receiving for the past one year in order to hold on to this deal, which i had started planning since last july. and i was crazy & naive enough to hold on to my plate that barely serve 2 slices of bread daily for past 2 and half years. and i'm running against time. i just might be the
biggest fool who achieves nothing but complete the circle of a loser in 2 years time.

the wisest thing was to accept whatever offers in hand, and beijing was the only choice i have now. it's a fantastic offer to most people but for me, it's more like a rebound strategy, and i despise rebound choices. although, if i stay on fight for my company that single-handedly built
from zero dollars, i could still have chance to achieve my over zealous goal. few clients are already
queueing their jobs with me. but i lost my confidence, i'm no longer the confident & aspiring 
executive i was once was. i just want to get out from everything, jump on the a ship and sail
away. i accepted the beijing offer on  saturday, 5am.

but this decision didn't please me at all, instead i stayed awake throughout the day till next day mid night. i tried to sleep it off, trying very much to convince myself that beijing is a right move. i was in the situation where my head says: go, while my heart says: no. i got even more disturbed with this easy-way-out decision. i don't fancy beijing to begin with, and i don't like nokia phones, then the senior client was once my big boss back in grey worldwide and i know how stressful i would be to manage her. i remember those dark ages, i volunteered to manage one her projects but i was under appreciated and it tolled me from inside-out for 2 months, and due to my hectic schedule, my dog, a growing up puppy then had to live in the condition that today it cost his legs to have a minor defect, one thing that i really regretted in my entire life. and other little minor things that i irked was that i had to fork out (claim later) some rm10k before begining my duty. which, it should be managed by the company before i arrive.

on the other hand, i'm not satisfied with my performance with my company. i thought it 
should be better now after 2 years of eating bread. i could see the prospects coming already, 
if i were to let it go now then i would have to dissolve my company and give up everything that 
i've built. is it worth it? but there is a potential series of challenges that i would face if stay back
to hold my fort. there's a high possibility that i would succeed and i might fold for good. both 
percentage are equally high. 

i know exactly what i want to do but at the same time i'm trying to find reasons to justify my actions. i just need someone to hear me talk but unfortunately i could not find the someone to hear my thoughts and my reasons. so i would just have to talk to myself and, i did. and no 
conclusions derived...i guess, i supposed, i just need someone to tell me that i could do it even 
if i chose the craziest path.

and luckily, i heard it finally.

i declined the beijing deal, once again. this time i'm more than serious.

and i've chosen the crazy path. but i'm relieved.

i would be more stressed, i know for sure. it's just another 2 more years. i will bite my teeth, hold my gum, i might lose more that i could imagine, but i could also win more than i could imagine. 
but one thing for sure, i would retain my confidence back.

and i'm happy, relieved that i've chosen the craziest path.

now the up most task is to learn to enjoy my fore coming challenges.

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