combo meal: french fries + chicken rice

i heard there is a viral fever going on in the city currently. some of my clients are ill too, on-off fever. well, i'm still having some residue aches from the backache yesterday. today, i have this fever-like joint pain & fingers coldness, well, whatever...i'll be ok.

i wonder why do i get a bit chatty these days, perhaps, i'm just lonely..haks! well, i supposed so, even when i called for SOS, i didn't get help even from my closest pal. i was weak, had no strength & feeling nauseous to get food on my own, called my best pal to pick me up for dinner, saying that i would take a nap first while he could finish up whatever he's doing. cos' i was told "don't worry pal, we live so close. since you live alone, i'll be there when you need me." so i took his word for it, well, i'm very naive sometimes. when i choose to believe someone, i believe 150%.... but he wants to be a good son and have dinner with his mom, so he chose to let his best pal die in hunger with fever....!

ok, yes, i admit i was behaving a little 'too' vulnerable, you know fishing for sympathy when you're ill. that's our luxury when we're sick, isn't it?? but damn! it didn't work a bit at all! men just never take bait from another man, shit. too bad i have no boobs and too bad he's not gay either! the next thing you'll see, will be me lying on the bed with sunken in face still waiting for the food. the world is rather unfair isn't it?

then my the other best pal, who i only manage to meet 3 times in the last 9 months while he only lives less than 15km from me. forever not free. i'm kind of given up on calling him. calling him for life emergency will be totally wasting my final moment of my life. i think by hoping "one of the passerby could/might be a hottest chick that i would spend my remaining few minutes with" is a more optimistic thinking/death wish... sometimes, i wonder, why guys' BFF can't be like girls' BFF? ooo..am i too women now? too sensitive to be a guy now? after all, keeping in touch, and giving & taking one step to/from each other are the key for maintaining any relationship. can't be taking/waiting all the time right? no? anyway, who cares when you do? why care when others don't? i'm just bitchy & sensitive they would say, wait till the circle is reverted then we'll see.

now you know, i'm not that popular as most people think i'm...or i usually make mistake in choosing who i want to be vulnerable with? i'm such an idiot...haha

then i have this craving for french fries again, some weird thing i crave when i'm not too well. just need something out-of-the-ordinary sickman food to satisfy my depreciating ego i guess. after all, savory food makes a sickman happy ;) french fries it is then! and on the way to mc donald's suddenly remember, this awesome chicken rice shop is still open, so what the hell, chicken rice & french fries. sound weird eh? chinese chicken rice with garlic chillies meets salty crispy french fries plus coke. it rhymes anyway, chicken rice meets french fries, sounds like a match! i finished my fries before even i reach home. yummy ~ then sipping the chinese soup then coke with my "gossip girl", kind a like this drama, cute. done 10 episodes today, 8 more to go for tomorrow...

oh..by the way, added this chat box feature here... i was told by some friends that they were shy to leave comments. saying my posts were too intelligent for them to leave comments which would make them look less than average...well, whatever, it sounds like a compliment and a critic at the same time to me.

anyway, leave message there when you can... hmm... my loneliness is really showing... ooh. i'm such a fine specimen of 'attention deprivation syndrome'... ;)

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can someone kill me pls?!

damn....my back hurts like shit! from last night till today.
and it's bothering me the whole freaking day!
i'm fucking frustrated today, freaking bad mood!
almost slam my computer when it moved so damn slow...
oh...man, im so cranky today.

i feel like my waist has dislocated from my spine.
or my spine is not joined with my waist.
basically, i can't feel my back!
i can't stand or sit properly with this back.
this is shit. this is the time that i really need painkiller!
but no, i think i need a sleep, on the floor...

how i wish i'm having fever, at least i know what to do with it, just pop some pills and sleep it through. but i can't sleep either, the moment i hit the bed, within 10min i would jump up and knowingly, there's things in my mind and that i have tons of things to do, to chase.

just like today, i wanted to rest, on & off the bed for like 7-8 times. and my eyes are piercing pain too! but i have deadlines to deliver and i have a meeting to attend at 7pm, and i've just got back from the meeting, it's 10pm now...

i need a shower then chill & rest. but hell no! i still have to walk my son even if my waist is dislocated from my pelvic. damn!

boy, must you shit outside the house?
boy, can you go to shit by yourself in the garden?
daddy is sick and still have to worry about your shit?!?
why must you give me your 'cute face'? gosh, i'm walking you to shit now. ok ok...

can someone just kill me now??

~ my cute fat boy ~

~ private moment ~

~ the face of satisfaction ~

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every time is a first time

the first time when i saw your smile
it's when my strength began to melt
i tried to figure out what's the meaning
then i gave up digging it
when i realized the meaning is nothing
compare to the time we are sharing

the first time i heard you smile to my ear
it's the move i've waited for years
i know i've got my heart a new chain
while i try to break it
then i realized i'm enjoying this train
you're leading me to your sweet terrain

every time i hear you on the other end
it's amazing, the sound freezes me to bend
i know it's not a confusion of soul
i want to conclude it
while i trapped within your magical swirl
truth is i'm mesmerized within this tunnel

and, every time when i don't hear you
it's my mind, unconditionally sway to you
growingly, but i want to deny i'm addicted to you
everyday, i'm trying to convince myself to it
radically, while i try to unbreak myself from you
i then found myself back to when i first saw you

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an investigation to my headache...

i've been having headache lately, the pain stretch from the back of my head, neck to my shoulder. it has gotten so regular that i even have a "schedule" for my headache now. it occurs between 8pm - 10pm on the daily basis or right after my dinner.

i used to have headache problem when i was working for my ex-agency but it was understandable cos' i was a junior back then in the no.1 advertising agency in the country. so naturally, i was to give my best & work extra harder to cover back the "missing years",  so i worked for about 12 -16 hours daily and left the office at 12midnight. my "lucky days" would be leaving office at 9pm. and sometimes up to 2am or don't sleep if needed. so headache stayed with me sometime or whenever i was stressed. i never like to tell people i have migraine, i find migraine is an overstatement and often being abused by most people, so i assume it was just a normal headache caused by stress & lack of sleep.

over the years, panadol/paracetamol has ceased working for me, i only rely on ponstan/mefenamic acid, a type of NSAID pain reliever. nevertheless, i don't take painkiller as often. i rather endure the pain as i believe the more we rely on chemical the less our body can function as the natural suppressor to pain. so unless it's really necessary, i would rather just try to sleep, or relax with tv and chill, and write them down so stop myself from thinking too much. or get a massage, or if i'm lucky..... a great sex is a better painkiller, well, it's scientifically proven in fact.

i did some research and i was surprised that i could probably having a combination of migraine headache & tension headache all these while with several others. there are many types of headaches and the some of the more popular ones are:

1. tension headache - the most common type of headache that caused by stress, sleep deprivation, eyestrain, irregular meal time, sitting posture etc..
2. migraine - a neurological syndrome, that can be from mild form to life threatening and could induce photophobia & phonophobia or hyperacusis, extremely sensitive to sound.
3. idiopathic intracranial hypertensione - often associates with visual problem.
4. cluster headache - occurs periodically. 
5. brain freeze aka ice-cream headache - caused by sudden coldness intake.
6. red wine headache aka histamine headache - it can occur within 15min after consuming and induce nausea & flushing in random areas.
7. rebound headache - occurs when pain medications (analgesics) are taken too frequently to relieve headache.
8. hangover - caused by heavy alcohol consumption.
9. sex headache - rare. it occurs during sexual activity before reaching orgasm. the pain can last for few minutes to few days. thank god, i don't have this problem. yes, i'm very sure ;)

it's also known that food can cause headache. i'm actually surprised that the "list of headache trigger food" is quite long. food such as cheese and liver contain tyramine can cause headache. red wine contains both tyramine & histamine, so if you have headache almost immediately after drinking red wine, now you know why. if we are heavy & regular coffee drinker, lack of caffeine intake/caffeine withdrawal after 8 hours, we get headache too. some food with additional addictive can cause headache too, mostly found in asian food. however, as headache is part of the low blood sugar symptoms, a glass of orange juice or ribenna may just help. but diabetic sufferers have to be careful with the insulin intake.

so, it's quite certain that i have tension headache due to my work, facing monitor for long hours, lots of future planning & thinking (perhaps thinking too much of someone?) and irregular meals or eat take-out too much. i could be having migraine headache too, cos' i usually get very sensitive to glare & really hate noise, but soothing voices from someone dear soothes me greatly. so potential nagging wife stay away from me, please.

at least, i'm now certain that why every time after drinking red wine i get headache & flush, guess i'm histamine intolerance. so no more red wine for me, can someone pass me a glass of whisky-coke please? ;)

also read, international headache society & the national headache foundation

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diarrhea sunday, weak monday, fever tuesday, headache wednesday...

...sunday, diarrhea 5 times! could be gastric recurring...i used to have ibs (irritable bowel syndrome), a stomach problem that due to stress, i'm kind a use to it...it's like, it must happen every month or 2 months...well, sunday, it came back. or it could be due to my eating pattern, cos' i don't take lunch, only dinner. anyway, i felt great, i felt i've lost one inch from my waist. blessing in disguised?

...monday, feeling feverish, lethargic. it could be due to the crazy weather. it's extremely warm & humid these days. it was 34C! madness! while the predicted air temperature was between 24C - 33C. it actually shot higher than that. very unusual. on saturday morning, i installed 2 units of air conditioner right after i woke up and realized that it was 33C at 11am morning. but my a/c is down! madness! what a luck...and i heard one of the worst el nino is coming this june/july! gosh, i'm melting just by thinking of it. look at the bright side, we sure able to shred some inches...

...tuesday, finally, i'm down with fever, expected. must be the weather! i could already feel it coming few days before. i couldn't afford to rest, few deadlines were packed back to back for tuesday. i just had to pull myself together and complete it. after all, my reputation is at stake. a little headache & temperature won't kill me. well, at least i manage to deliver my deadlines and clients are happy. popped 4 panadols before i went to bed, hoping the next day will be a better day. so, tom-yam was the best dinner you should take when you're having fever, cos' it makes you perspire like a cow!

...wednesday, today, still suffering from the residue effect from fever. i knew it, panadol just simply never work on me. recomposed myself in the morning, and i was surprised the efficiency of my technician that he was already waiting outside my house to fix my another a/c's problem. yes, the other a/c's gas leaked at last night. i was melting in my dreams. that's right, what a luck. but today i had a great meeting with my new client, puma. briefed me a couple of new & exciting projects lined up till the year end. it's gonna be an exciting year. 

i just have this thing, when i'm around with people & things that i'm interested with, i get fired up and forgot all about my pain & sickness. i guess that's the reason why, i refuse to submit to my sickness to eat those "sick-man" food, such as porridge and soupy stuff...i will go for something that makes me happy and appear as an healthy man..haha...weird, i know.

anyway, since i can't get tlc at this hour, let's give panadol the benefit of the doubt, 2 more before i go to sleep...

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i'm in love & enjoying my touch...

i've recently bought myself a pda phone, my first. it's been the longest time since i wanted a pda phone but as usual i can be a little too fussy with the design, color, shape, functionality, size, weight & price factors...but my concerns are solved, finally...

i got myself a 'htc touch', i name it xenoed-touch or xenoed's touch. so if you're on the street and wandering with your bluetooth and notice xenoed-touch, yes, that's me :)

this is actually the first version among the htc touch-series. a full-feature touch screen phone, it's simply known as 'htc touch', and the other 2 are 'touch dual' & 'touch cruise'. the earlier comes with 3g but without wifi and the later with everything plus built-in gps. whilst, 'htc touch' only equipped with wifi. 'touch dual' comes with slide-out qwerky keys and 'touch cruise' is just simply ugly. anyway, i don't really use 3g, it's expensive per usage & you don't need 3g to have MMS. wifi is what i really needed.

i simply love the design, sleek, stylish, clean & very thin not to mention it's covered with rubberised surface. and, it's extremely light for a pda. only 112g. but what really impressive was the 'touchFLO' interface, simply slide the finger up, left, right & down to access to the frequently used features. the favorite people's page is nice where it features all your favorite people's picture, a nice touch. it comes with 4 colours for gsm edition; black, white, wassabi green & burgundy. i wanted wassabi green it was damn classy, i was told it's limited and hard to come by. and my friend said, it was meant for gay, i don't really care, really. but i got the black at the end, cos that's the only color available, damn!

it was designed to counter iphone but i think it still has it's limitation comparing to iphone. anyway, i don't like iphone for the fact that it's just another powerful ipod or an extension of ipod craze, and it's too big for my pocket...well, i just don't fancy common things, and don't fancy common fanaticism. but i like htc touch...and yes, i'm still enjoying 'my touch' after 3 weeks.

but....i'm a little regretted after getting 'touch', cos' htc just launched its new touch-series 3 days ago, it's called 'htc diamond'. it's fucking awesome! i bet this will be a tough contender to iphone, it comes with 'touchFLO 3D' interface... freaking amazing! even iphone was using 2d only. and i bet it will be the real killer. it will officially hit the streets in june 2008, first in europe then asia. it's expected to price between myr2,900 - myr3,300. check out the video...i'm drooling already...i'm so wanna get it...

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breathe in breathe out

breathe in breathe out

breathe in, breathe out
tell me all of your doubts
everybody bleeds this way, just the same
breathe in, breathe out
move on and break down
if everyone goes away, i will stay
we push and pull
and i fall down sometimes
and i'm not letting go
you hold the other line
cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

hold on, hold tight
if i'm out of your sight
and everything keeps moving on, moving on
hold on, hold tight
make it through another night
in everyday there comes a song with the dawn
we push and pull
and i fall down sometimes
and i'm not letting go
you hold the other line
cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

breathe in and breathe out
breathe in and breathe out
breathe in and breathe out
breathe in and breathe out

look left, look right
to the moon and the night
everything under the stars is in your arms

cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

performed by mat kearney
featuring q'orianka kilcher (pocahontas, the new world)

dedicated to someone across the straits...

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i need a maid..!!

gosh... today is definitely one of the most productive days in 2008.

plumber came at 9am, woke me up from my 4 hours of sleep. yes, i slept at 5am knowing that plumber was coming at 9am...but hey, i'm not a plumber i don't have to do the work, so what's the point of supervising? trust the professionals! as i've always believed...

by 11am, i was already like a dead man walking so i hit my bed knowing that there were 2 aliens in my house, mind you they were not as hot as those plumbers in 'desperate housewives', just a cold-face chinese man with his smiley malay assistant. so what's the point of supervising? anyway, 'desperate housewives' fail miserably in trying to portray the coolness in being a slutty housewives..so i couldn't be bother and went to my lalaland...

strangely, they were pretty efficient. by 1pm, they're done. i thought they would need at least 6 hours. the operation was, i would say quite tricky. my inner pipes have been leaking for months and my bill has come to a whooping Rm35 a month! that's 3 times of my normal bill! so the 'professionals' has to operate my rusty iron pipes and replaced it with new synthetic pipes and divert the fluids to a new & higher directions...haha....the operation is actually less obscene as i've describe.... ;) anyway, the improvement was tremendous and now i have cleaner h2o & a stronger thrust....

so...after the 2 pros left, professionals i should spell. i realized i need a major overhaul of the floors, it's full with milky foot prints. god, i need a maid, i exclaimed! then i thought, a short nap wouldn't be too bad.

i awoke with much despair when i realized, the foot prints & dust were still there. my french maid-fairy didn't clean it for me as promised. dragged my feet, armed my red vacuum cleaner, started inhaling the pile of dusts and of cos my boyboy's fur, damn. i was cursing my boyboy for being so cute & fluffy already! minutes later, packed myself with clorox, floor detergent (lavender frangranced, a mandatory), broom and i started sweeping. i hate sweeping...my nose can't handle dust that well, i would sneeze like an elephant! one hand squeezing my nose, one hand maneuvering my broom, and the other hand managing my dustpan. i suddenly turned an expert! with my 2 pale-soft-silky-smooth-skin hands, i managed to do 3 things at once, not bad :) and then came the most grueling part, mopping! i need a fucking maid! a fat one, a strong one, it's ok, i don't sleep with maid. so i don't need a fucking maid, i just need a maid.

now my shoulders are swelled from cleaning the entire 2 storeys. i'm really not cut for house work, seriously. so it's either a wife or a maid! ok, i'll take a fat maid and she does not need to be in french costume!

tonight, i shall rest my suddenly enlarged shoulders on my newly bought akemi bed sheet...280 thread count shall do the trick, it's gonna be a sweet dream...awesome :)

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i walk...

i walk, under tall
i move, little mile
i crawl, below snail
i sway, beneath fly

carry on, i asked
moving on, i cracked
standing here, i smeared
climbing up, i grieved

continue, i walk
just a stain of chalk
the fort, i built
just laughed by folks

championing, i craved
striving, i grieved
deciding, i switched
closing, i matched

continue, my dream
merely a dip of cream
fire, i ignite
merely a soul of desire

i walk, swell tall
i move, wheel miles
i crawl, mill nails
i sway, fly and fly

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keep breathing...

recently, i saw some of my friends broke down. myself was also in a little shamble zone. the challenges were not just about physical but emotionally troubled as well. we all had lost someone who was dear to us, or things, or expectations that we all desired and craved for.

3 of my dear friends lost their grandmother last month, all within 2 weeks. i'm greatly affected by their lost.

i know how it feels exactly, i lost my beloved grandfather in my arms few years back. i was truly helpless, i was looking at the cardio reading, my eyes never moved an inch from the reading and i hoped that i had the supernatural power to keep the meter rising but it didn't. he was calling for me before he was in coma, i was not sure if i was his favorite grandson but he's my favorite grandpa and my hero for he who had went through great deal to become a great man he was before his passing. i know the pain, clearly & dearly, when seeing someone you loved & admired passing slowly in your arms while you can't do anything but just stroking the head, calling his name, watching the heart beat slowly fades to null. i didn't shed one tear at all, I wanted to but i couldn't. i had to be the pillar for my grandma and other family member who were in shock. i was in shocked myself. it took me exactly a year, to recognize that he's finally gone. on his one year anniversary, i finally cried. for the first time, in my life i cried in front of others. but i'm glad, i'm still breathing, that is the only thing i could do, keep breathing.

2 weeks ago, i heard a shocking news, someone that i knew, committed suicide and left behind a son. she was overdosed of pills and her body was found only 3 days later when friends broke into her home. i was never closed to her, but i wish i was. she must be very troubled, lonely & helpless to had driven herself to the edge. she was only 30, young, beautiful, adored by many friends. but i guess, we all had misread her. we took for granted for many things in our lives, i've learned before that we must not take things for granted, we tell & share our thoughts to the one we love as if there's no tomorrow. but for this instance, i guess, we're late. so all we could do is keep breathing, so to able to accomplish more to cover back our lost...

this month, i have heard many problems, and challenges faced by those who i care for. some problems were financially driven; some were the lost of directions in life; some were trapped within the studies, some were betrayed by closed ones; some were dejected for the hard work and didn't get pay off as they expected...while i can't do much for them but i could only try to be a great listener, and hopefully give them as much advises as i see deem fit, i could only be the pillar that they need, or at least, that's what i wish i could do...

sometimes we wish we could just give up, sometimes we wish we could just let go eveyrthing and move to an island, sometimes we wish we were never born, sometimes we wish could turn back the time, but all i wish to tell is, all we can do is keep breathing. as long we're breathing, we can hope, we can make changes. the only person that can bring you down is no one else but you. we have to believe in ourselves. believe is the strongest element we need, perhaps the only one that we need in achieving our dreams. so, all we have to do is keep breathing...

here's one beautiful song for you. "keep breathing" by ingrid michaelson.

keep breathing

the storm is coming but i don't mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.

all that i know is i'm breathing now.

i want to change the world...instead i sleep.
i want to believe in more than you and me.

but all that i know is i'm breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.

all that i know is i'm breathing.
all I can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.

all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing
all we can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.

performed by ingrid michaelson

....and for grey's anatomy's fan, the grey's version...

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i'll be more stressed..but i'm happy

this week is quite a week. been having insomnia for many days. barely slept 4 hours/day over the past 7 days. literally on standby mode till sunday...

this irregular sleeping pattern has made me lost of time, while i thought it's friday, it's already saturday. pretty bad...and i'm not proud of it.

my body is extremely exhausted however my mind is working like cheetah chasing the rabbits. i couldn't sleep, just too many things in my mind. work, career, finance, partner, clients, future prospect, offers, halt of projects etc...

i failed to be objective as i have and should always been. i was disillusioned by challenges, blinded by temptations. i was not able to focus and make decision objectively and efficiently, 
and furthermore, my ever-solid confidence was deteriorating by seconds.

on thursday, i finally received an official note from my anchor client who contributes most of my company's revenue that the RM2.6million worth of project will be put on hold, indefinitely. and the overdue for 3 months might not be paid or till further notice. i've predicted the arrival but...  

the first thing that came to my mind was, i must be naive enough to believe this windfall deal is happening in the first place. i was extremely moronic to even turned down all the great job offers i have been receiving for the past one year in order to hold on to this deal, which i had started planning since last july. and i was crazy & naive enough to hold on to my plate that barely serve 2 slices of bread daily for past 2 and half years. and i'm running against time. i just might be the
biggest fool who achieves nothing but complete the circle of a loser in 2 years time.

the wisest thing was to accept whatever offers in hand, and beijing was the only choice i have now. it's a fantastic offer to most people but for me, it's more like a rebound strategy, and i despise rebound choices. although, if i stay on fight for my company that single-handedly built
from zero dollars, i could still have chance to achieve my over zealous goal. few clients are already
queueing their jobs with me. but i lost my confidence, i'm no longer the confident & aspiring 
executive i was once was. i just want to get out from everything, jump on the a ship and sail
away. i accepted the beijing offer on  saturday, 5am.

but this decision didn't please me at all, instead i stayed awake throughout the day till next day mid night. i tried to sleep it off, trying very much to convince myself that beijing is a right move. i was in the situation where my head says: go, while my heart says: no. i got even more disturbed with this easy-way-out decision. i don't fancy beijing to begin with, and i don't like nokia phones, then the senior client was once my big boss back in grey worldwide and i know how stressful i would be to manage her. i remember those dark ages, i volunteered to manage one her projects but i was under appreciated and it tolled me from inside-out for 2 months, and due to my hectic schedule, my dog, a growing up puppy then had to live in the condition that today it cost his legs to have a minor defect, one thing that i really regretted in my entire life. and other little minor things that i irked was that i had to fork out (claim later) some rm10k before begining my duty. which, it should be managed by the company before i arrive.

on the other hand, i'm not satisfied with my performance with my company. i thought it 
should be better now after 2 years of eating bread. i could see the prospects coming already, 
if i were to let it go now then i would have to dissolve my company and give up everything that 
i've built. is it worth it? but there is a potential series of challenges that i would face if stay back
to hold my fort. there's a high possibility that i would succeed and i might fold for good. both 
percentage are equally high. 

i know exactly what i want to do but at the same time i'm trying to find reasons to justify my actions. i just need someone to hear me talk but unfortunately i could not find the someone to hear my thoughts and my reasons. so i would just have to talk to myself and, i did. and no 
conclusions derived...i guess, i supposed, i just need someone to tell me that i could do it even 
if i chose the craziest path.

and luckily, i heard it finally.

i declined the beijing deal, once again. this time i'm more than serious.

and i've chosen the crazy path. but i'm relieved.

i would be more stressed, i know for sure. it's just another 2 more years. i will bite my teeth, hold my gum, i might lose more that i could imagine, but i could also win more than i could imagine. 
but one thing for sure, i would retain my confidence back.

and i'm happy, relieved that i've chosen the craziest path.

now the up most task is to learn to enjoy my fore coming challenges.

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the weakness in me

the weakness in me

i'm not the sort of person
who falls in and quickly out of love
but to you i gave my affection right from the start
if i have a lover who loves me
how could i break such a heart
you can still get my attention right from the start

why do you come here when you know i got troubles enough?
why do you call me when you know i cant answer the phone?
make me lie when i don't want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
you make me stay when i should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?

why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by?
but i need to see you

and I need to hold you, tightly
baby

feeling guilty, worried
waking from tormented sleep
this old love has me bound but the new love cuts deep
if I choose now, I lose out
cause one of us has to fall
i need you and you aren't here

why do you come here when you know i got troubles enough?
why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone?
you make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool.
you make me stay when I should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?

you make me lie when I dont want to
and make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
you make me stay when I should not
are you so strong or is the weakness in me?

why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
when i need to see you
and i need hold you, tightly
baby

performed by keisha white

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i'm punctured & grocerilized...

today is truly an eventful,  very heavy, very humid, hot & punctured and not to mention that "today" began since yesterday's 3pm. and it's 1am now, i'm still awake from sunday.

i started the day by receiving a text message at 09.19am, a surprise yet predicted one. this message is not helping my already shattered mind from yesterday's silence. the following messages disrupted my hyped up spirit of trying to begin today, this monday as a new dawn for the fruit of our struggle for the company.

     <<< "i'm going to service my car. i'll come in around 2pm." <<<         
>>> "ok. But next time drop your car to service on saturday." >>>
     <<< "i was busy on saturday." <<<                          
>>> "was it work related? and this saturday also not free? dude i think this is not working out. We need to talk later." >>>
     <<< "it was my moms birthday. if you don't like it i'll resign." <<<        
>>> "ok. if that's how you see it. And not able to see my point. Then it's better for us to part ways now & remain frens." >>>
     <<< "ok. As you wish." <<<                         
>>> "I'm out for meetings & fix the pc. back only evening. i've issued cheque for u. you may collect it & pls. keep the thumb drive as a gift. Thanks for everything." >>>

that's how a initially-started-heart-pumping partnership ends. very abruptly, 
not the way i wanted but sometimes things just have to end in a way that we least expected.

i'm feeling guilty & heavy for i had to choose to make such a decision but i don't have a choice. threats never work well with me. and not to mention that i've given up a so-called-easy-way-out job opportunity in beijing, hence what i need now is no more nonsense but full concentration on building up the empire. tardiness is definitely a no-no for this kind of situation. i didn't ask for much, i only ask for full 9-hours of dedication. clinching business, ensuring the stability 
of the finance is my duty, all i'm asking is a full support in holding up my fort while i'm charging forward. not to mention that, you're taking twice amount of my pay. it might not be a lot, 
but it's a lot for a small & growing company that only bills 3 times of your salary.
i'm scratching my head, having sleepless nights trying my means to ensure i keep up to my promise to able to pay your salary, so all i'm asking for is a little respect & initiative, yet i'm receiving nothing but bearing all burden on my already dwarf body.

anyway...then i moved on to my usual pc shop and on the way there suddenly realized that i have no money and i got to go to the bank...then the most bizarre thing happen, the most unusual jam at the most unusual time, and i have no way round but to use that route, not to mention my aircon's compressor broke down and today somehow is a crazy extremely hot day, i estimate as high as 36c! it's so uncool then i'm soaking wet with my overflowing perspiration in my sleek pink long sleeve shirt...damn, i'm totally unglamorous for the moment! yet, i had to go on or i would have no money to have my favorite iced vanilla latte...this blizzard weather not only cause me to be in the most unglamourous form, windows all wound down and smelling the exhaust fume but cause me to have heat rashes around my forehead...it's crazy....but it's funny at the same time, how many coincidence as such would happen on the same day?

then while waiting for my pc to be fixed, i was already zombie-fied from the heat & lack of sleep, then the heavy pours came, and so i had to be sober and act all cool in the pc shop to wait for the rain to stop.

but i love the most of my day was my grocery trip in carrefour. i say, walking in the midst of all the products is certainly something that keeps me alert and all excited. there's so many new things, interesting things, it even crossed my mind that one day i might wanna work as a fishmonger...looking at all the families, children, housewives, galore of products calms me. i actually love grocery shopping, and i tend to stay in the hypermart for hours usually. not into buying, but a great horizon of learnings how things move so fast, evolves so much amazes me. well, pushing the trolley is also another fun thing to do...and skii along with it even more fun.

i'm done, got my bread, my gas, very essential element when you're hungry in the middle of the night; tissues boxes, something i can't live without; my soya bean, and a craving for ribenna, i wonder why, i just wanna taste some sweetness tonight....and indeed, the glass i'm holding now proves that ribenna is best served chilled and it also great to go along with vodka....

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i'm sneezing & sleepy...

i've been sneezing, having stiffed neck, insomnia & sleepy all at once...i've been a little down recently, stressed, mind is over-loaded with some issues that i wish i could settle them once & for all.

i've been feeling lazy, tired. i don't really know why. it could be because i've made some important decisions for my career. i was recently offered a job to beijing, something interesting. my role requires me to be a strategist for running a new marketing platform and to head up a new division for beijing office which will oversee the largest telco brand in china, and it's also the largest brand in the world, nokia.

partly because the salary package was below what i desired, the package was the same as what i was offered 5 years ago, so it means i'm backtracking 5 years if i were to accept the offer. however, the 
offer was considered relatively high as compared to the industry standard in malaysia. few factors 
would entice me to go over to beijing, colder weather, new environment, new role, and definitely a 
good spring board for climbing corporate ladder. nonetheless, after thinking for 3 weeks, 
i declined. and within 4 months, i've already declined 2 offers from international agencies.

i have my reasons, a few important ones. however, these reasons will require me to work doubly hard as it is. for one, is to continue focusing & pursuing my 5 year plan. i need to at least achieve it before i move on to other level. i wrote the similar story sometime back "august ordeal" & "i cried". and yet, i'm still talking about it here...sounds silly am i?

for two, is for people that i can't leave behind. the people the i love & treasure. it's silly, some would say, but i've lived long enough to know which is more important to me. well, if i could achieve what i desire and able to be close to people dear to me, then why should i leave for other land? anyway, i don't like chinese. u.s. or europe is a different story all together...

for three, my company is doing better, prospects are coming in. within the short span of 2 months, we acquired 3 new clients, and they are reputable names in their respective industries, taylor's university college, puma & emi music. although the business is still small and untested in terms of billings but is definitely promising for the future. now, we have total of 6 clients. 2 are also giant in their own field, berjaya land & magnum 4d. and the other client, my anchor client, a new brand which scheduled to launch this year that promising a couple millions worth of revenue. sounds good? superficially yes, i would say.

but i've been really stressed, bothered, heavy-headed lately of company's financial status due to delay collection from the anchor client, and the wicked weather is not helping. as such, i'm into my reclusive syndrome again, which makes me insomnia all over when i'm alone, and when i sleep, i will not want to wake up. i tend to not wanting to see anyone, or talk to anyone. i'm back to my reclusive-thinker mode, trying so hard to think what to do next, trying very much to justify my actions. some might say, i'm stupid cos' having a great offer in beijing would solve all these problems, but that would mean that i would need to ignore the potential of my company and wind it up instantly. which i think it would be silly as well.

i know, it's stupid, cos' it's what i would say to my staff, last time. taking action is what i need, finding solution is what i should be doing. yes, i will, i know i could, and i can, but all i need is a shoulder to lean on, just for a while, a person to hug, just for a while, someone who would hear my worries, just for a while, then i could bounce back and get on with it. but unfortunately, hope is always something that would bring disappointment.

i guess, it's time to jump start my engine, over haul and drive on....maybe, another few more days, i would..just give me another few more days....

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quotes that keep me going...

my life is kinda complicated at times, compressed & compact. but i will try to look at other angles and i believe things always have 2 opposite sides just like ying & yang; left & right; positive & negative and we must not pause at what before us but vision what would be ahead of us.  

well, i have always been fighting my dreams alone even sometimes my family disagree. cos i believe only i could chart my own path, whether i will walk alone or with a company it doesn't matter. i'll just have to think positive, at least i must try. so some times i sought for stories that are inspiring, read histories that full of foes and try to analyze their failures and learn from there...and most importantly remembering quotes that keep me going...

here are some my favorite quotes, some were extracts from books & stories, some were said by people that i respect, some were written by myself...

   mind over matters - unknown

  i walk fast, if you can't catch up, run - vincent lee

  i'm not a difficult person, i'm only difficult to people that i don't respect - donald trump

  i'm 2 million poorer than the beggars on the streets - donald trump

  think big or think nothing, go big or do nothing - movie

  call me crazy but don't call me stupid - edwin

  kindness is the greatest weapon - edwin

  trust is a choice - edwin

  learn to love yourself first before you learn to love others - unknown

  all the greatest achievements started with the wildest dreams - unknown

  there's always a possibility within the impossibility - edwin

  to create a history, first, you must know the history, learn the history, forget the history and don't repeat the history - edwin

  act dumb when you're smarter than the rest, cos' you'll learn something unexpected from them - edwin

  the greatest courage is to tell the truth and face the truth - edwin

  when you believe, a coincidence could just be your fate; when you don't believe, a fate could just be a coincidence - edwin


and the lists keep going & growing everyday....

  

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i'm so overdosed of carbo...

it's a strange but eventful day today...

woke up with a weird call..was damn blur then pissed-off before putting down the phone. got scolded for a mistake that was not mine. but i can't really shirk the responsibility, i oversee the work. and i emailed it out, so i would just have to keep my mouth sealed but i couldn't hold my tongue but to let it out at the end. after all it's an innocent mistake, taken as is basis from client's sample, ya, certain initiative is required, admit. then again, it's ok, we get scolded for mistakes that weren't ours most of time...numbed already...well, our nick name is, brand-whore anyway..

then, sat by my pc...had 3 slices of my favorite peanut butter bread and my must-have "morning" coffee. it's already 12pm when i'm having it. it's been a long time since i have bread. thou, i used to hate bread but i kinda changed after some turbulence 2 years back. but anything with peanut butter will always melt my heart. i enjoy the texture of peanut butter & butter gently melt in your mouth accordingly to the temperature within my mouth...quite satisfying.

then suddenly, no electricity! this bloody tnb (short for tenaga nasional berhad/national power limited) really useless, as useless as our government. well, the dog has to follow its owner's habit. tnb was privatized few years back. and i hated tnb, bcos many years back. my grandfather useD to supply power to his village, quite big village about 500-600 household. then one day this bloody indian asshole came over and try to close down my grandpa's plant/biz because government wanted to consolidate the electricity supply, that's nicely put. actually robbing the civilian's right to becoming self-sustained power provider, after all, providing power is the most lucrative business. hence, we had no choice but to submit to the government. did we get compensation? i believe we did...5 words, you are a good malaysian. well, this asshole minister has been voted out of his office during the recent election. bravo! served you right, bloody corrupted black fatso with weird looking wig! anyway, since being privatized, beside tariff increases almost on bi-annual basis. the service is disrupted in bi-monthly basis too. imagine, i moved to this new home since september last year and i've already experienced at least 4 times of power disruption. yes. black out. damn.

so, to continue my sleep is the only choice.

then, 30 minutes gone, still no power. suddenly came the thunderstorm. hmm...this storm is really huge & crazy. it's like a drunk fat father scolding a child who just got up in the middle of the night to pee. shocking & awake instantly! no, don't think otherwise, my dad has never drunk in front of us. he's a kind man, and too kind. anyway this rain was somewhat exhilarating!! i went down stair, to my porch, then, my crazy mood came. the feeling of running in the rain is so strong. it's been so long since i played in the rain, i could only remember when i was studying in malacca, we used to get trapped in the rain while cycling around the cities, and sometimes we had to hide in those little hut/stalls by the road, 5 persons cramped into that little warong hut and waited for the rain to stop till my nails turned purple. then suddenly i saw lighting before me, and drunk fat father screaming, then i realized, ok, it's a stupid idea to play in the rain today, at least for today.

2 hours has passed, shit, this bloody tnb is crap..still no power. thought of calling them, then i gave up. what's the use? the same old answer would be given, your concern is being rectified now...not to mention that it will take you 1min 30sec before reaching the receptionist. well, ever since those national agencies privatized, they have been trying very hard to be service-oriented. hence, came out with those press 1 for this, press 2 for that, press 3 for god father thingy...hilarious, well, that also you should consider yourself lucky if you managed to get thru after 3 attempts and it's not even toll free!

anyway...so what else could i do when suddenly black-out & thunderstorm at the same time? i could think nothing else but thinking of someone who can calm my trembling soul...while enjoying the view of my plain boring garden. lucky thing, my babies were so adorable, my dog & cat were just chilling by my feet. and so, my son became my over-sized carpet...haha...

5 hours has passed, this time my tolerance was running real thin already. i just needed to give tnb a thrashing. suddenly, the power returned while i was dialing their overly-friendly customer service number...it's 5.30 now, half a day has gone, nothing could be done really, except to do as much work as we could. and, i was hungry again, had another 2 more slices of peanut butter bread & a coffee. how much is the calorie for bread & peanut butter again??

later at night, spoke to my friend over skype. skype is really amazing, talking for hours without paying a single cent, and the clarity of voice is 10X better than msn, at least never choppy. we're talking about some work opportunity in beijing which he's interested for me to go over to help him in running a new setup to manage the no.1 telco brand there and other things...

anyway, i got hungry again at 2am, then i remembered, i didn't have dinner yet. so what else could i get at this hour but indian pancake/bread? yes, roti canai/roti kosong or singaporean call it roti planta, that's freaking weird. roti planta is named after the famous planta butter. so how could it called roti planta when it's meant to be empty, plain white toasted bread? and roti canai is called canai because it's a traditional meal from cenai, a city of southern india. anyway, singaporean just have their weird way of naming thing differently from malaysia. our relationship is just like british & american.

anyway, 2 pieces plus my usual teh-o-halia-ais a.k.a. iced ginger black tea, take-a-way. yes, finally, i can sit still and watch my korean drama "coffee prince", the final episode. after taking 2 bites then only occurred to me that: shit!! i'm having too much carbo today !! damn !! how much is the calorie per bread? and 1/4 can of peanut butter? and, indian bread, how much?? i'm so screwed...

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rewind

time, goes by
i wish, you're near by
chained, my heart
you're only in my mind

tame, my heart
i wish, you're near by
change, my faith
won't you come to my sight?

come here, be mine
over there, be mine
anywhere, i don't mind
just here, i find
the traces of mine o' mine

time, i'll find
and you, devine
joy, our wine
let's unwind, rewind

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may

come as you may
i promise to be a dismay
it all started in may
i'm sorry for i can't display
this is not the game i would play
cos i just don't have the flair

this is our last affair
this game is just not fair
i've paid you my fare
please do not give me the stare
and don't cause me more despair
cos i'm just weak and frail

stop holding my tail
i can only be this clear
the tattoo is too severe
you have left me with fear
i'm hiding, looking from afar
cos i just don't wish to spar

this has gone too far
why do you let me fall
you have induced my flaw
causing pain is your law
what left is you claw
sorry, i won't suit your flow

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i fall out of love quicker than i fall in love...

i'm not picky or fussy. but i do have my preference.
let's just say, i get turn-off easily.
certain things i can't tolerate.
or let's just say, my tolerance level is very minimal.

i do get comment like "you're just so fussy" a lot, from none other than.... my mom.
i'm crowned the "health minister" at home because of my minimal tolerance level of hygiene, cleanliness, tidiness & food quality. not something i'm proud of but certainly something that i would like to maintain to.

some people think that i'm a flirt. to certain extent, i might be. i like being around people, beautiful people. i like being loved, and i tend to be quite friendly and chatty when i'm comfortable with the person. and yes, i can be very funny at times, i like to use words to get my things (done), i called it verbal flirt. but i don't sleep around, i never agree to one-night-stand, few-nights-stands perhaps :) at least, that's a "relationship" whether is short or long. rather than behave like a dog, screw & walk off.

but i get turn-off as quickly as i realized something that i can't tolerate. and yes, there are many.

every year, during chinese new year, i would get the same question from my aunts, "who is your girlfriend this year?". a reluctant title that i get from my relatives. they think that i'm such a playboy with many girlfriends, i'm not denying that fact that i can be somewhat popular with girls but this "title" comes with a little reasoning. reason being, i don't usually date chinese girls, and i have a tendency towards non-chinese. partly because i can't tolerate certain traditional chinese thinking & habits. so, because of that fact, whenever i'm back for chinese new year, my girlfriends were able to accompany me home for chinese new year and, at the same time, coincidentally i had new girlfriend before chinese new year. is a weird routine every year near my birthday, i get extra "welcoming" by others, and my birthday is at the year-end hence....

i'm not trying to defend myself but i'm just trying to reason out that sometimes the choices are not mine to make. it's within me, i just simply can't tolerate the impurities of characters. it's a problem, i know. it's a sickness i need to cure. maybe one day, my luck will run out.

my sickness is so bad that i could walk out from the bed while my girlfriend (ex) was naked on the bed waiting for me, because she's just too bushy.  and, i would be nice of course, "you made me nervous, i can't do it. let's go for tea", i said. and of cos, she became a history as soon as we're done with our tea. seriously, isn't that the most basic hygiene we should observe? no? sorry, i can't bear to go thru the forest to the destination....i'm shaven.

i'm not bragging, i do crush, fall in love and get hurt. but i will stop crushing when i know she doesn't love me.  i might not stop loving that person but i don't go for one-sided love. i will wish her well & all the happiness.

some people ask me, what kind of girls do you like? i find it very hard to answer, but i will rather tell what kind of girl i dislike....

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the walls...

i shoot the arrows like i always will
only today i meet the walls
i never hold back my thoughts
but today im trapped within my words

i never save my energy to slash
only now i realize i meet my match
i never stop at any meet
but this minute i concede defeat

i tried to use my energy
only realized i've lost within your sight
i never pause for a moment
but this moment you hold me at zero point

is your voice that capture my voice
is your eyes that put me on my ground
is your words that stop my bluntness
is your walls that prevent me to perform

i will be brave against your smile
but you're too strong for me
i will not let your walk more miles
but you swift like breeze

i will catch you in distance
but you vanish before me
i will go behind the walls
but you build a new one before me

is your scent that lure me closer
is your hands that pull me higher
is your skins that i want to sail
is your soul that i want to follow

i will catch you in distance
before you ascend to heaven
i will melt your walls
and catch you when you fall....

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