The big leap and curse

A fortune teller once told me when I was 21. I've a "big leap" at 40. And, I might not survive it.

I'm not a fortune teller type of person but I remember this particular one. Cos he said, I will make it big by 30, and I did make it.

So I've been waiting for the "leap" to come. For it, I tend to hold back and try to be a responsible person. I'm afraid to hurt what was & who was to become part of my future.

But he also said, if I made it through, I'll be a prosperous person with abundance of fortune and happiness.

Let's see.... soon, I will need to face it, alone. Live or .......

Only then, I will know if I could continue writing here.

Tweet

animals are man's best friends, a tribute to Kaizer

recently my good friend's dog just passed away due to accident. it's very sad indeed. Kaizer was also the father of my girl, Hera and my sister's dog, Butter.

Kaizer was a great dog, huge rottweiler, looked monstrous but gentle at heart. the boy will be greatly missed.

- Kaizer -



- Hera -


- Butter -

a tribute to all the lovely animals in the world:


~ Christian The Lion ~


~ "Hachi: A Dog's Tale" - a must watch movie ~

Tweet

Michael Jackson's final rehearsal...video

michael had his final rehearsal 2 days before his passing at the Staple’s Center in Los Angeles with his dancers for his "This is it!" London concerts.

thou at 50, he was still charming on the stage.



view here for the thousands-dancers audition.

he also made a 3D short film called "dome project' for his "this is it" concert. which might go on sale some time this year. awesome! something to look forward to ;)

Tweet

Michael Jackson's final rehearsal...

michael had his rehearsal 2 days before his passing at the Staple’s Center in Los Angeles with his dancers for his "This is it!" London concerts that will never take place anymore.



check out how stringent the audition was. thousands of dancers were auditioned for his final act. those dancers were so excited and tearing when they got selected. i bet they must be crying right now too with michael's passing.



MJ's "This is it!" concert would have been the greatest show in decades. damn...

i guess if i have a time machine, michael would be the first person i would save ;)

Tweet

the king is dead... the moonwalker michael jackson..

just before i went to bed this morning, after working through the nights. i saw the news, Michael Jackson is dead, The King of Pop is gone. all my tiredness was gone, my single eyelid eyes that turned double eyelid due to exhaustion turned back to single eyelid instantly...

wtf?! is all i could say for 15min. he was supposed to be have his comeback concernt in july. he was training so hard to stay fit for his upcoming 50 shows. i wonder what went wrong to his training regime or "it was long overdue", since he was rumoured to suffered from skin cancer for a long time.

nonetheless, that's no other King of Pop like Michael.

i grew up with his moves & his music. we shall now remember him as the creator of moonwalking, the ignitor of new music tv with substance/story, his production quality is still unbeatable till to date.

my all-time favorite music video!


my pals & i actually performed a show based on this video at a rotary club annual dinner back in '90... haha... and i was the cute little boy that MJ dance with at the back entrance.

we shall mourn while doing the moonwalking but will always love him for what he has contribute to the entertainment and joy of our life.

Rest in peace, Michael Jackson my King of Pop. We will always remember you.


Michael Joseph Jackson, the King of Pop (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)

Michael Jackson Official Site

Tweet

perhaps, i should rest my case...

i'm a very passionate person. when it comes to ideas, opinions, dreams, friends & any relationship. and that sucks.

i care for everyone around me, and i offer assistants & advises unconditionally. and sometimes i get too passionate that i lost my sleeps due to anxiety, nervous & worry. and i get pounding headache.

when you know someone that you care for is walking into a trap, as a friend you advise, explain, warn & warn. ultimately, you have to respect the decision that he/she's gonna make. but on the other hand, you know storm is on the way and trees will be fallen. that leaves me very helpless.

when your friend's in trouble, you'll be there to offer solutions & support. you will even lay down the plans & seek for potential rewards or jobs on his behalf.

but sometimes, i could be too passionate in offering my "services" that resulted me being nosy. why do i need to care so much? why do i need to care when someone don't even care? is it because i'm just a busybody? hmm... maybe i am. maybe i just have too much time for others.

is it because that i really care for the person? or is it because that i'm just a plain bitter aging man? sometimes i wonder it myself. but deep down inside, i know, shit is coming and i couldn't help myself but to tell someone. and often, the good words were never taken in well by others. it's exactly like chinese saying "good advises are often bounce off the ears" or "a gentleman's speech is often misquoted by a small man"...nonetheless, i could be just a bitter aging man.

i couldn't sleep not because i don't want to sleep. i'm exhausted but i couldn't sleep cos' i'm embarrassed for being nosy. i'm disturbed for knowing the fact that someone that you care is walking into quicksand... but how would i know that? trust me, i know. that's my gift and also my curse. and that slashes my heart.

maybe i should just walk away, be ignorant of the potential woes that they might face. let them experience it themselves. i might still gain their respect for respecting their freedom in making choices, whether it's a good or a bad one.

i should learn to not bother.
i should learn to act dumb.
i should learn to remain silent.
i should learn to reserve my advises.
i should learn to be selfish of solutions.
but....seriously, these can't pass my conscience.

i should disappear for a while, 2 years sounds like a plan... i should just rest my case, perhaps...

Tweet

life is merely fifteen minutes

with a very heavy heart, "fifteen" is dead. her meaow~~ will always be remembered.

it could be my negligence after all. cos' i keep thinking she will be fine. assumption is the mother of all fuck-up, yes, it's. procrastination is the mother of all screw-up, yes, it's.

today i decided to take her to vet after seeing her getting weaker. time were just not on my side, i was busy yesterday. so i decided to take her to see vet today, she was meaowing~ & meaowing~...

on my way to the vet, then i realized my car's temperature was rising so rapidly that i had to pulled over. i was already driving like a mad cow to the vet and this thing has to happen. so, spent about 15min cool off the car, filled up the radiator. i'm such an idiot, the radiator is empty! and "fifteen" was meaowing~ in the car, so i said, give me some minutes ok? finally it took me another 5mins to get the car moving. driving like a bull-dozer this time, and some drivers are just idiot! finally reached the vet, and the vet is closed. ooo...my mother's lord! and i noticed "fifteen" was sleeping so peacefully in the carrier. i tilt the carrier a little, she flipped over like a statute. no! she's not resting, she's dead...it's 5.40pm now and pouring... damn. damn. damn.

it's my fault at some point for sure, i was procrastinating, i was taking for granted. now the only thing, i could do for her was to give her a decent funeral, at least. it was pouring very heavily, was it a cry from the heaven for this tiny little cute road-runner? i'm not sure but i was driving like father who was anxiously to get home to his spend the final fifteen minutes with his child.

got home, the area was dry but sky was dark. knowingly the storm is coming. i wrapped the little fella with tissues, like little mummy. drizzle started, and i started digging the ground of my pathetic garden. it's like a drama, all funeral has to be done in the raining, and i'm just another actor. an actor of this sad ending set in a gloomy & rainy sky.

while i was managing the final moment of "fifteen", my 5 year-old neighbor was came over. beyond the fence, she started talking to me as usual. her naiveness about death & pets actually lighten me up ;)

---

"uncle edwin, uncle edwin where is the kitten?" (must you always call me uncle?)
>> "here, in the cage"
"can i see her? can i play with her?"
>> "no, emily"
"why not? please......", with her cute whining.
>> "bcos she's dead."
"why? why can't play with her?"
>> "bcos she's dead & gone to heaven. she can't move anymore"
"can i touch her pls?"
>> "no, i need to bury her.", continuing wrapping her with tissue paper.
"what are you doing? you're wasting a lot of tissue"
>> "i'm wrapping her so she can go to heaven"
"really? she'll go to heaven?"
>> "yes, she will."
"but you're wrapping her, she can't move already."
>> "...."
"can i touch her please? what are you doing?"
>> "i'm digging a place to bury her"
"ohh...you're so strong"
>> "...." (hahaha)
"ok ok, that's deep enough"
>> "...."
"why don't you put her in front of my house?"
>> "here is fine"
"why don't you bury her here, nearer?", she pointed the spot next to the drainage, next to her house.
>> "it's ok. it's tiring to dig again", i smiled (i lied)
"can i touch her pls?"
>> "sure", i passed her the wrapped body.
"i like her dead" she squeezed a little of the body "i'm scared of the cat. i like cat but they move too fast"
>> "but if she's dead, you can't play with her anymore"
"...." she's quiet for a moment finally. (i won..yea yea~) "can you pass me the cage pls?"
>> "no emily. it' raining now. go home." i showed her my father-talking-to-daughter-face.

---

i had a good laugh, and started cleaning the remains of "fifteen".

rest in peace, my "fifteen" the brave road-runner. you've been an inspiration to me. i shall now treasure every fifteen minutes i have. heaven awaits you, rise and shine, and be a princess in your after-life...

a little poem for you:

fifteen minutes of your life,
touched my soul, sent me a light,
while fifteen is merely a number,
but it gave me reasons to remember,
rise & shine, the road-runner,
run faster,
dance harder,
with the move of needle,
you're remembered,
you've inspired lives,
fifteen minutes, determines a new life.

Tweet

ruby is dead. those bastard shall pay!

ruby "little black nose" yap.
19 april 2006, 4.40am - 10 july 2007, 6.17pm

my beloved cat is dead.

his name is ruby.

one of my most favorite cats.

super duper "manja", always around my feet when i'm at my work desk.

always rushes back home when he sees me home.

always makes the funny sound when he was hungry and decided to return from his pussy-hunting trip.

"as if i owe you" i told him many times. "why make so much noise when you're hungry?"

annoyed the hell out of me, mostly but i love him dearly.

now i wish to hear his annoying sound but no more.

doctor said, he was hit by blunt object. cos' there is no wound, no blood, no bone fractured. could be hit by car / motor or beaten by someone or he fell from high ground but unlikely.

i saw him emotionless when i was on my way for meeting. tried to send him back through the door but he seem helpless, only moved with 2 front legs. picked him next to the food and rushed to the meeting.

i rushed home as soon as i can from the meeting. on the way to the doctor, ruby was making his usual 'manja' sound...i said to him..."don't worry, daddy is here ok?" he responded with silent. he understood.

then doctor said, the lower waist & legs have not feeling but should be ok. could be just the nerves. few painkillers and massage him gently few times a day should be just fine and he will recover. while i was making joke about have to massage him like working overtime.

1.5 hour later, i tried to put him next to my bed room as i want to take a nap and thought to massage his legs a bit then the unbelievable thing happen. he seem even more "boneless", his head drop to the side. tongue is stuck out then i realized his heart beat stop, so was mine.

rushed to the doctor and they pronounced him dead.

i find it hard to believe it. he was still very active and making noise yesterday. and now he's dead. taking his body home, on the way driving, my tears can't help but flow. my nose can't help but blocked. it's the first time i shed tears for my baby. i only start to think back. maybe it's me who has not took notice earlier...but i know it's over.

i hate to bury cats. this is my third time already. one was ramped over by my housemate, one was hit by the car. and one similar thing is all these 3 are the most obedient among the rest. one difference is, this time round it's not in the mid night.

and he suffered less, i think, i hope.

seems like the kindest are usually short-lived.

i curse those bastards who is evil enough to raise their stick to hit my little black nose ruby.

i curse those bastards who for being such an irresponsible moron drivers.

nonetheless, i think i'm too to be blame. i should have loved him more.

i hope he was happy when he was my baby.

rest in peace when he died in my arms.

period.

























ruby's final moment, husky boy is guarding him. 4.46pm.

Tweet