quotes that keep me going...

my life is kinda complicated at times, compressed & compact. but i will try to look at other angles and i believe things always have 2 opposite sides just like ying & yang; left & right; positive & negative and we must not pause at what before us but vision what would be ahead of us.  

well, i have always been fighting my dreams alone even sometimes my family disagree. cos i believe only i could chart my own path, whether i will walk alone or with a company it doesn't matter. i'll just have to think positive, at least i must try. so some times i sought for stories that are inspiring, read histories that full of foes and try to analyze their failures and learn from there...and most importantly remembering quotes that keep me going...

here are some my favorite quotes, some were extracts from books & stories, some were said by people that i respect, some were written by myself...

   mind over matters - unknown

  i walk fast, if you can't catch up, run - vincent lee

  i'm not a difficult person, i'm only difficult to people that i don't respect - donald trump

  i'm 2 million poorer than the beggars on the streets - donald trump

  think big or think nothing, go big or do nothing - movie

  call me crazy but don't call me stupid - edwin

  kindness is the greatest weapon - edwin

  trust is a choice - edwin

  learn to love yourself first before you learn to love others - unknown

  all the greatest achievements started with the wildest dreams - unknown

  there's always a possibility within the impossibility - edwin

  to create a history, first, you must know the history, learn the history, forget the history and don't repeat the history - edwin

  act dumb when you're smarter than the rest, cos' you'll learn something unexpected from them - edwin

  the greatest courage is to tell the truth and face the truth - edwin

  when you believe, a coincidence could just be your fate; when you don't believe, a fate could just be a coincidence - edwin


and the lists keep going & growing everyday....

  

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i'm so overdosed of carbo...

it's a strange but eventful day today...

woke up with a weird call..was damn blur then pissed-off before putting down the phone. got scolded for a mistake that was not mine. but i can't really shirk the responsibility, i oversee the work. and i emailed it out, so i would just have to keep my mouth sealed but i couldn't hold my tongue but to let it out at the end. after all it's an innocent mistake, taken as is basis from client's sample, ya, certain initiative is required, admit. then again, it's ok, we get scolded for mistakes that weren't ours most of time...numbed already...well, our nick name is, brand-whore anyway..

then, sat by my pc...had 3 slices of my favorite peanut butter bread and my must-have "morning" coffee. it's already 12pm when i'm having it. it's been a long time since i have bread. thou, i used to hate bread but i kinda changed after some turbulence 2 years back. but anything with peanut butter will always melt my heart. i enjoy the texture of peanut butter & butter gently melt in your mouth accordingly to the temperature within my mouth...quite satisfying.

then suddenly, no electricity! this bloody tnb (short for tenaga nasional berhad/national power limited) really useless, as useless as our government. well, the dog has to follow its owner's habit. tnb was privatized few years back. and i hated tnb, bcos many years back. my grandfather useD to supply power to his village, quite big village about 500-600 household. then one day this bloody indian asshole came over and try to close down my grandpa's plant/biz because government wanted to consolidate the electricity supply, that's nicely put. actually robbing the civilian's right to becoming self-sustained power provider, after all, providing power is the most lucrative business. hence, we had no choice but to submit to the government. did we get compensation? i believe we did...5 words, you are a good malaysian. well, this asshole minister has been voted out of his office during the recent election. bravo! served you right, bloody corrupted black fatso with weird looking wig! anyway, since being privatized, beside tariff increases almost on bi-annual basis. the service is disrupted in bi-monthly basis too. imagine, i moved to this new home since september last year and i've already experienced at least 4 times of power disruption. yes. black out. damn.

so, to continue my sleep is the only choice.

then, 30 minutes gone, still no power. suddenly came the thunderstorm. hmm...this storm is really huge & crazy. it's like a drunk fat father scolding a child who just got up in the middle of the night to pee. shocking & awake instantly! no, don't think otherwise, my dad has never drunk in front of us. he's a kind man, and too kind. anyway this rain was somewhat exhilarating!! i went down stair, to my porch, then, my crazy mood came. the feeling of running in the rain is so strong. it's been so long since i played in the rain, i could only remember when i was studying in malacca, we used to get trapped in the rain while cycling around the cities, and sometimes we had to hide in those little hut/stalls by the road, 5 persons cramped into that little warong hut and waited for the rain to stop till my nails turned purple. then suddenly i saw lighting before me, and drunk fat father screaming, then i realized, ok, it's a stupid idea to play in the rain today, at least for today.

2 hours has passed, shit, this bloody tnb is crap..still no power. thought of calling them, then i gave up. what's the use? the same old answer would be given, your concern is being rectified now...not to mention that it will take you 1min 30sec before reaching the receptionist. well, ever since those national agencies privatized, they have been trying very hard to be service-oriented. hence, came out with those press 1 for this, press 2 for that, press 3 for god father thingy...hilarious, well, that also you should consider yourself lucky if you managed to get thru after 3 attempts and it's not even toll free!

anyway...so what else could i do when suddenly black-out & thunderstorm at the same time? i could think nothing else but thinking of someone who can calm my trembling soul...while enjoying the view of my plain boring garden. lucky thing, my babies were so adorable, my dog & cat were just chilling by my feet. and so, my son became my over-sized carpet...haha...

5 hours has passed, this time my tolerance was running real thin already. i just needed to give tnb a thrashing. suddenly, the power returned while i was dialing their overly-friendly customer service number...it's 5.30 now, half a day has gone, nothing could be done really, except to do as much work as we could. and, i was hungry again, had another 2 more slices of peanut butter bread & a coffee. how much is the calorie for bread & peanut butter again??

later at night, spoke to my friend over skype. skype is really amazing, talking for hours without paying a single cent, and the clarity of voice is 10X better than msn, at least never choppy. we're talking about some work opportunity in beijing which he's interested for me to go over to help him in running a new setup to manage the no.1 telco brand there and other things...

anyway, i got hungry again at 2am, then i remembered, i didn't have dinner yet. so what else could i get at this hour but indian pancake/bread? yes, roti canai/roti kosong or singaporean call it roti planta, that's freaking weird. roti planta is named after the famous planta butter. so how could it called roti planta when it's meant to be empty, plain white toasted bread? and roti canai is called canai because it's a traditional meal from cenai, a city of southern india. anyway, singaporean just have their weird way of naming thing differently from malaysia. our relationship is just like british & american.

anyway, 2 pieces plus my usual teh-o-halia-ais a.k.a. iced ginger black tea, take-a-way. yes, finally, i can sit still and watch my korean drama "coffee prince", the final episode. after taking 2 bites then only occurred to me that: shit!! i'm having too much carbo today !! damn !! how much is the calorie per bread? and 1/4 can of peanut butter? and, indian bread, how much?? i'm so screwed...

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rewind

time, goes by
i wish, you're near by
chained, my heart
you're only in my mind

tame, my heart
i wish, you're near by
change, my faith
won't you come to my sight?

come here, be mine
over there, be mine
anywhere, i don't mind
just here, i find
the traces of mine o' mine

time, i'll find
and you, devine
joy, our wine
let's unwind, rewind

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may

come as you may
i promise to be a dismay
it all started in may
i'm sorry for i can't display
this is not the game i would play
cos i just don't have the flair

this is our last affair
this game is just not fair
i've paid you my fare
please do not give me the stare
and don't cause me more despair
cos i'm just weak and frail

stop holding my tail
i can only be this clear
the tattoo is too severe
you have left me with fear
i'm hiding, looking from afar
cos i just don't wish to spar

this has gone too far
why do you let me fall
you have induced my flaw
causing pain is your law
what left is you claw
sorry, i won't suit your flow

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i fall out of love quicker than i fall in love...

i'm not picky or fussy. but i do have my preference.
let's just say, i get turn-off easily.
certain things i can't tolerate.
or let's just say, my tolerance level is very minimal.

i do get comment like "you're just so fussy" a lot, from none other than.... my mom.
i'm crowned the "health minister" at home because of my minimal tolerance level of hygiene, cleanliness, tidiness & food quality. not something i'm proud of but certainly something that i would like to maintain to.

some people think that i'm a flirt. to certain extent, i might be. i like being around people, beautiful people. i like being loved, and i tend to be quite friendly and chatty when i'm comfortable with the person. and yes, i can be very funny at times, i like to use words to get my things (done), i called it verbal flirt. but i don't sleep around, i never agree to one-night-stand, few-nights-stands perhaps :) at least, that's a "relationship" whether is short or long. rather than behave like a dog, screw & walk off.

but i get turn-off as quickly as i realized something that i can't tolerate. and yes, there are many.

every year, during chinese new year, i would get the same question from my aunts, "who is your girlfriend this year?". a reluctant title that i get from my relatives. they think that i'm such a playboy with many girlfriends, i'm not denying that fact that i can be somewhat popular with girls but this "title" comes with a little reasoning. reason being, i don't usually date chinese girls, and i have a tendency towards non-chinese. partly because i can't tolerate certain traditional chinese thinking & habits. so, because of that fact, whenever i'm back for chinese new year, my girlfriends were able to accompany me home for chinese new year and, at the same time, coincidentally i had new girlfriend before chinese new year. is a weird routine every year near my birthday, i get extra "welcoming" by others, and my birthday is at the year-end hence....

i'm not trying to defend myself but i'm just trying to reason out that sometimes the choices are not mine to make. it's within me, i just simply can't tolerate the impurities of characters. it's a problem, i know. it's a sickness i need to cure. maybe one day, my luck will run out.

my sickness is so bad that i could walk out from the bed while my girlfriend (ex) was naked on the bed waiting for me, because she's just too bushy.  and, i would be nice of course, "you made me nervous, i can't do it. let's go for tea", i said. and of cos, she became a history as soon as we're done with our tea. seriously, isn't that the most basic hygiene we should observe? no? sorry, i can't bear to go thru the forest to the destination....i'm shaven.

i'm not bragging, i do crush, fall in love and get hurt. but i will stop crushing when i know she doesn't love me.  i might not stop loving that person but i don't go for one-sided love. i will wish her well & all the happiness.

some people ask me, what kind of girls do you like? i find it very hard to answer, but i will rather tell what kind of girl i dislike....

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the walls...

i shoot the arrows like i always will
only today i meet the walls
i never hold back my thoughts
but today im trapped within my words

i never save my energy to slash
only now i realize i meet my match
i never stop at any meet
but this minute i concede defeat

i tried to use my energy
only realized i've lost within your sight
i never pause for a moment
but this moment you hold me at zero point

is your voice that capture my voice
is your eyes that put me on my ground
is your words that stop my bluntness
is your walls that prevent me to perform

i will be brave against your smile
but you're too strong for me
i will not let your walk more miles
but you swift like breeze

i will catch you in distance
but you vanish before me
i will go behind the walls
but you build a new one before me

is your scent that lure me closer
is your hands that pull me higher
is your skins that i want to sail
is your soul that i want to follow

i will catch you in distance
before you ascend to heaven
i will melt your walls
and catch you when you fall....

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the laughters behind...

there's a laughter behind my skins
not the normal trace of schemes
it's the masks of my shyness
by the sea breeze, you'll see

there's a sadness in between my brows
not the common ways of cries
it's the way i will cherish
by the moonlight and you'll sense

sometimes life is just a fairy tale
something that i can only tail
nothing seem more real than a frail
nothing seem more distance than this trail

there's a path i needed ahead this maze
not the usual way to pursue
it's the passage of an issuance
by the edge, i'm merely a pretence

there's a life beyond my forest
not the assurance of blaze
it's just a dream i amaze
by the time, i shall be a craze

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i like it and i hate it...

strangely, you're the first thing that appears before my eyes each day...
i like the feeling...and i hate the emptiness at the same time...

i like it, cos i have a meaning for the day...
i hate it, cos my day is merely a normal day...

i like it, cos i could feel your dance...
i hate it, cos i dislike the distance...

i like it, cos i have hope of beauty...
i hate it, cos im living in uncertainty...

i like it, cos you spark the day of fascination...
i hate it, cos the sparks were my own imagination...

i like it, cos you put smile against my wrinkles...
i hate it, cos the smile only last like twinkles...

i like it, cos i know you're reachable with jus a call...
i hate it, cos i can't sense you physically...

i like it, cos i get to feel nervous again...
i hate it, cos im more afraid of losing it again...

such a battle of self realization & fixation
i've decided not to choose sides
i will love what i like...
and, will love what i hate...

and strangely, you've become the last thing in my mind before i end my day...

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corruption is a piece of shit...

how do we define corruption?
how do we define bribery?

i define corruption as a tree that's rotten from within. no matter how much water you showered it will rot. no matter how much touch-up you made, it's still rotten....it's just a matter of time before it corrupt and fall to the ground.

i define bribery as a reflection of inferior complex. an excuse to give benefit to someone who does not deserve in order to cover our own deficiency. it is an mental desease of allowing ourselves to believe that we're merely "helping" people who in "need". a true denial of our own strengths & talents.

i call it a token when it doesn't affect me and others.
i call it an act of taking advantage of the poor when it affects our basic needs.
these are the foundation of greed.
it's truly disgusting.
 
how do we curb this desease?
...................................... the only way is when we start to believe in our own strengths & start acknowledging others' talents. but it's a far fetch dream...

i hate corruption.
i hate bribery.
but i'm a culprit of my own detest act sometimes.

i do have a choice but i choose to deny my right sometimes.
the excuse is simple.
i need to survive.
i need to feed others who need me.
it could be just an excuse to console myself.
but i sincerely hope, i can stop this, the moment the sunrise tomorrow.

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my life is a suitcase...

i'm packed, pressed & trapped in within.

i'm on the run, on the go, on top of every surface.

i'm being carried, transfered & placed randomly.

i'm coloured, labelled, stitched up without my consent.

i'm being stuffed, pushed & cramped up in convenience.

those are not the feelings i enjoy.

those are not the journey i wish.

those are not the destinations i desire.

those are not the looks i want.

those are not the info i need.

i'm compressed, compact & decomposed...

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eccentrically exhausted 18 sticks in 6 hours...

yes, im truly exhausted...exhausted to the bones, but i feel alright. 2hrs of sleep in 48hrs has no effect on me...i wonder...

is the excitement of a new working partner or is it that swamps of work downpour onto me? maybe is the feeling of having hope for the future again, having the destination to run to again....a purpose for life....or is it because i have found new 4-letter word? i wonder....

it doesn't matter what is it...but what matters is...im happy in whatever corners i could squeeze in...i'm still having reservation in certain degree but i'm happy to be able to worry...well, not really...but is the joy of feeling youthful again...the energy just keep flowing in...or the joy of able to be purposeful? i wonder...

a friend asked, when was the last time you blog?....but im running out of inspiration sometimes...does inspiration really matter? but i think is the spur of moment matters the most...im exhausted...sleepless, excited and a little insane...i will write anything...something that might not even make sense to me or anyone...something that i will laugh about few months down the road....of how eccentric i'm at this moment...will i laugh so hard when i read this post?...i wonder...

but it doesn't matter...this is just a record of the moment of feeling all-directional...seriously..i don't know what am i writing but i will laugh when i read this back when i'm sober :)

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28 worst traits of an eligible bachelor...

Sometimes it’s nothing wrong to be the more popular person among your peers but being the ‘best’ could bring the worst interpretation you could ever imagine from an unlikely audience or someone you desire.

1. He’s good looking; he is a flirt.
2. He’s compassionate; he’s an unlikely leader.
3. He’s ambitious; he’s not practical.
4. He’s gentle; he’s not manly.
5. He’s smart; he’s hard to understand.
6. He’s considerate; he thinks too much.
7. He’s a visionary; he’s too complicated.
8. He’s sensitive; he’s over emotional.
9. He’s reputation conscious; he’s over image conscious.
10. He’s confident; he’s arrogant.
11. He’s decisive; he’s heartless.
12. He’s funny; he’s too playful.
13. He’s individualistic; he’s selfish.
14. He’s matured; he’s boring.
15. He’s neat; he’s fussy.
16. He’s stylish; he’s not dependable.
17. He’s charming; he’s not trustworthy.
18. He’s humorous; he’s never serious.
19. He’s determined; he’s inflexible.
20. He’s independent; he’s an outcast.
21. He’s popular; he’s untamable.
22. He’s flexible; he’s weak.
23. He’s straightforward; he's rude.
24. He's a sweet-talker; he's a flirt.
25. He’s cultured; he’s boring.
26. He's flamboyant; he's a womanizer.
27. He's shy; he's a coward.
28. He has principle; he’s too stubborn.

Sometimes the right audience do make a lot of difference ;)

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i asked for happiness but santa granted me "pimpleness"...

seriously...why do i get pimples during christmas? damn...one above my lips, 3 on my chin and numerous tiny ones around my face...yes. those 4 are the noticeable ones...

that explains why i'm staying at home during christmas...

comon, i'm so old already...why do i still get pimples? hmm...could it be the food? i eat my favortie peanut butter with bread every morning, not really, whenever i wake up :)

or could it be my lifestyle? maybe...these days i'm having insomnia again...i'm happy & jolly but just been sleeping at 5am - 6am...but i have enough of sleep, well, believe me, i sleep like a baby...at least 6-8hrs :)

or could it be, the change of my age bracket? the beginning of 30s...is there such thing, early menopause? :)

few days ago, someone told me, i'm very charming & good looking...now i feel like a porcupine ...maybe is the compliment that i got? so god is punishing me...well, perhaps, he hates people who's better looking than him...haha...

nonetheless, finally i see something, one of my pimples is subsiding...phewiee...

and i'm craving for french fries again...is christmas...so a little craving is fine ya, my almighty?

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don't wish me happy birthday.

don't wish me happy birthday!
it's not a happy birthday when i'm obligated to your initiatives & kindness.
i don't want your kindness.
it's not a kindness when you expect me to repay you.

it's a loan.
it's worse than charity, worse than sympathy.

why do i need to celebrate my birthday your way?
when i said, i don't wish to celebrate my birthday, i mean it.

here i am, 12 midnight, 6 of november 2007.
my biological clock hit 32 finally.
and i'm alone.

i want to be alone and owe no one of any kindness.
i mean, any loan.
don't dump the loan on me.
i have no means and no power to repay this loan.
it only suffocates me, cos' i know you've expectation and one day you will ask for the repayment.

pls. understand and let me be...
i want to celebrate my birthday my way, quiet & peacefully.
no cake, no party, no hoo-hah, no alcohol, no dance, no special dinner...just a pure PEACEFUL moment.

may i have my freedom and deserve a peaceful day?
must i repay your initiatives & kindness on MY DAY?

i'm tired, exhausted to please everyone.
i want to be ME, a real ME.
i don't want to please anyone.
and i don't want to be the type of person you desire.
i just want to please myself, at least for once, one day in 365days.
let me be.

don't try to make me feel guilty. i had already told you i would feel guilty long time ago.
don't tell me that you've done this & that for me. i didn't plead for it.
don't try to claim what you deserve. i'm not a product.
don't call me a betrayal. i just want my freedom.

it's by far the worst birthday i've ever had in my 32 years.
so, pls. let me have a happy birthday, my way.
that's the only thing i'm pleading you.

wishing edwin a guilt-free birthday...amen.

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it's my fucking event!!

it's my fucking event!
it's my fucking house warming!
it's my fucking birthday!

and i'm free to invite whoever i want!
i'm fucking tired of pleasing everyone!
it's my fucking event!
don't give me your fucking vip attitude!
it's my fucking event!
let me have my own preference!
it's my fucking event!
let me be!

seriously, what's the fucking big deal about it???
it's my fucking birthday! i can choose to celebrate in anyway in anyhow i want!
even if i invite Osama is my fucking problem!
why do i need to please you when it's my birthday?

it's my fucking event!
so i choose who i want to see & who i want to invite!
the invitation is stated to welcome to bring a partner and if i invited your girlfriend but she doesn't ask you to come along is your fucking problem not mine!

it's my fucking event!
don't bloodly give me the VIP's SEE HOW attitude! and expect me to send you reminder?!?
want to come, come. don't want to come, don't.
seriously, i'm not throwing tantrum.
if you think i'm close to you, and my event is as important to you as you're important to me then come.
don't bloodly give me your VIP schedule that make my event a substitute to your other more happening event!
you're not doing me a favor if you come for my event! and i don't need this type of kindness!
i'm lazy and i only ask once, and have no interest in pursuing your presence.

it's my birthday! it's my event!
i want to have my choice and not to please & accomodate your choice!
i'm fucking tired & suffocated to please the whole fucking world!
i want to be alone on the day.
i'm moving to a deserted island.
period.

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i hate money..

yes..i hate money...call me crazy but don't call me stupid.

i hate money because money is the root of all evil, and the start of discrimination & prejudice...

if there is no money, we won't not have social class, people in india, indonesia & other 3rd world country will agree this with me.

and for most chinese especially, living without money is like living without god for muslims.

if not because of money, malaysia won't have NEP that specifically target to discriminate the non-bumi, well, mainly non-malays so to make the malays richer.

if not because of money i will not dislike most chinese, and reluctant to date chinese girls. ask 10 chinese girls, 9 will tell you that they want their boyfriend or husband-to-be to have a stable/promising career....what has my career growth got to with you?? are you already trying to leech on me in the future? imagine, in singapore it's known that if a guy without 5Cs is definitely out of the question...
- cash
- credit cards
- condominium
- cars
- care
- and i heard recently added few more Cs...

i wonder would they ever add Cock (big cock) as one of the Cs....

some girls will also judge the potential of the a boyfriend or future husband-to-be by his family's assets or his potential future assets, then will tell you, i love my boyfriend because he's stable and have a good future...what is your boyfriend's asset got to with you? got to do with your shopping addiction? or are you already planning to divorce me in 5yrs' time? for those who don't know this, in some advanced country when a couple divorce, the wife will get 50% of the husband's assets, intangible & tangible.

a side note: in canada & in some states of the USA, if you're a live-in couple but not married, you're to cover your partner's debt should your partner died or gone disappeared! (this apply to both sexes)...so be wise ;)

now this sickening cult attitude has reach malays too...well, probably it happened ages ago only till todate that it has become a mandatory for future husband selection. and one thing ironic about this is, mostly the females are the victim!

and indians? hmm..do we need to go into this? well, i must or i would be regarded as racist again. indians, they will just judge you by how much can they swindle from you...don't blame me for saying this...but it's a known fact that indians can't be trusted. even from my closest indians friends told me the this and claimed that they hate indians too....and yet..they are just one of them, and cheated me! i still wish to give them the benefit of the doubt...but sadly...i'm running out of luck i guess...

and i was told by my indian friend, that indians still practice marriage within families. meaning, cousins will marry cousins, and i mean your sister will marry your father's sister's son!....the reason?? to keep the family's assets within the family!

because of money, friend will also value you with a certain degree, this has nothing to do with race...but usually chinese has a greater feeling towards this...sorry chinese..these friends will avoid you when you're in the deep financial crisis...well, you don't have to go into deep shit, just tell them you need some money...see what happens...you'll know...well, i'm not saying all...just mostly...they will also choose who to mix with...by how kind are they to share their money with them!

frankly speaking...i hate money...i have never used money to judge who to mix with or who could be by potential girlfriend or future wife, in this instance, could be wives!...and if you should wish that you're my first wife and not my no.3....by then you will not get much from me if you divorce me....

yes, if you ask me what is my dream...i would tell you i would be a millionairre by 35.
but don't get me wrong...i don't love money, but i'm only using money as a calculation of my achievement...and by then, as i've always been, i would leave my height and start something new again...

this is my dream, when i reach the million mark, i would donate a portion of my fortune, could be 50%, to the charity homes......anyway, i don't really need them by then, even at this moment it means nothing to me. would i leave them to my kids? hmm...i would, just enough for them to complete their studies & live like a normal person...that's it..and the rest they will have to make them themselves....

so......i believe no girls would marry me now...haha..

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i cried...

i cried.

it's been really long time since i cry watching local tv production. but this time, this show made me tear.

it's a show about people who lives their dream. it's called Dare2Dream. this is the first time i'm watching it, this particular episode really touched me. it's about this guy who's a art director, working & living in NYC. he tells the story about his endeavours in the New York City pursuing his dream as an advertising specialist. when he first moved to NYC he was so broke, had to knock on every door to beg for a job and have to eat a can of beans for his Xmas day. and could not come home when his parents died. really sad. he's doing great now, in a reputable advertising agency. he has achieved his dream as a reputable art director in the most vibrant & creative city in the world.

his story really touched me. so much similarity. so much determination he has put into pursuing his dream. something he said really concurred to what i believe all the time.

"...believe in your dream, people might say your dream is crazy, and you're crazy. but believe in yourself, hold on to it. there are so many things out there, better things out there. you have to believe in yourself, do your best, go out and grab them, don't let anyone bring you down...."

really makes sense and these are my belief as well. i'm pursuing the craziest dream that you could think of. i wanna be a communication legend. a reputable branding & advertising specialist in the region and probably in the world.

many people told me, "think straight", "do within your means", "are you ready?"... some even just laughed & smirked when they hear me say things like wanna feature my face on the cover of the Fortune magazine. I usually get that when i'm on job interview. sometimes i wonder, why do they ask what is my dream? since they don't even appreciate it when i told them about my dream...

i'm still pushing, pushing myself. it's not easy. many told me so. but what is easy in this world? when everything is easy, within your reach. then what's the meaning of life? when our life is monotonous, did we really appreciate our lives as what god & our parents have given to us?

i always believe: we must be crazy once in our lifetime...we must be stupid once in our life time...we must be a mistake once in our life time. without these "silly" actions, our life will never be complete. without pushing ourselves once in our life time, our life will just be a piece of white paper, no colours, no strokes, no ink, no mark, just plain square white paper.

seriously, what have you done since you're born that makes your life different from others? what have we done that made us so proud that one day we could share the story with our children, our grand children?

i'm still pushing, i've been to the higher ground and i've been to the lowest point. but i'm still far away from my highest peak. someday, i'll be there. someday....just have to keep doing my best.

and hope everyone can believe themselves too.

our dream is our journey, our faith is our strength...there is no one else but you to decide your life, your fate and your destination.

keep it up everyone who's reading this...someday i'll meet you at your peak.

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august ordeal

this month has been a very challenging month for me...lots of things have happened, mostly are not very good, of course. it may just be another bad month for me. last year, same time, was also a very stressful month for me. it has become a ritual for me, one shit month, and july & august have always been the testing month for me.

whether i can move on or not, this will decide my fate. so far, i've managed to solve & recover from most of the misfortunes that had happened to me. this has become a habit for me. come to think of it, july & august have been bad months for me for many years. and by September & October i will be ok. this pattern has been happening to me for many years.

here are the shits i was going through this month:

• bad discussion with landlord who refuse to refund my deposit on the day i move (31/8/2007)
• tried various sources to get a overseas job but nothing came out
• got into financial trouble which left me only RM50 in my pocket
• got into a serious fight with a close friend
• someone who i interested in decided to return to her ex.
• scheduled to meet a very important person in singapore but was stood up
• got into a minor vehicle accident but i was fine
• fell sick to fever for 4 days
• late payment collection from the clients
• tore my face and tried to borrow money from relatives but none was able to give a hand
• additional redundant work require for a very old project that dragged since last year
• cooking half way and ran out of gas in the middle of the night and forced to throw away the food
• car broke down and left no air condition and power steering, had to drive like driving a truck for few days
• car's tyre punctured while rushing for an important meeting
• refrigerator broke down
• almost died when cleaning the cabinet at the new hse, the cabinet door hit the fan & spun down and cut my neck...
• had lots of minor cuts & bruises while moving the house, guess i'm just not cut to be a labouror...

haha...it's quite funny, somehow i'm not really disturbed by all these. dejected a bit yes, but i was able to treat all these with a very calm & easy heart and i smile when those happened to me. i wonder why. i wonder where did i get the strength. could it be because i've been through the worst? there was once where i had to result to eat bread for months, which i hated bread, and i only able to eat instant noodles (maggi mee) during the good days, and i don't like maggi mee too. and now, i eat bread and i kinda like it.

sometimes i think, the environment & circumstances make us a better & stronger man. i've been through that and sometimes i asked for it.

there was a time when i was such a high flyer in my previous advertising company, i was doing very well, at least for people with my same years of experience, i decided to quit my job all because i was too comfortable , i decided i needed a change, to push my luck a bit further, i quit my comfortable working life without hesitation. i wanna use my bare hands to achieve something. with that decision, it took me almost 1.5 years to recover.

then i did it again, this time was to protect my dignity when i was a GM in one of the veteran film company. all because i didn't want to cahoot with the management to manipulate & ill-treat my staffs. i regard my staffs as the most valuable asset to my company and to my success. i could not agree with the way the top management want me to do those unethical things to them. i decided to quit and start my own business. and yes, i'm suffering since then but i'm happy. i'm in bad financial situation when i used up all my savings and had to let the bank to reclaim my car but i've no regrets. that is when i started to appreciate bread and now i can cook excellent "maggi-mee goreng".

i've always have plan in my life, my career especially. my 1st plan was to become an account director in 5 years time, where most people take 7-8years. then my next aim was to become GM by 30 years old and make at least RM10k per month. so far i've achieved & exceeded them all.

now i'm in my 3rd 5-year plan, it's been 1 year & 10 months now. i've had my downs & ups, and i'm down again. and i know my up is coming, and is slowly taking shape.

during those challenging period, i sincerely thank my close ones, my friends, and everyone who believe in me and gave me a lending hands. without them i can never pull through.

i dont like to hope but this time, i hope, i hope things will go smooth for me. it's about time for me to repay them.

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you said, i said

you said you wanted time
i'm giving all my life
you said you needed the truth
i vow with my life

you said you are confused
i'm giving you my trust
you said you are stressed
i'm giving you my bless

you said you are not good for me
i'm giving you my faith
you said i should give up on you
i'm giving you my fame

you said timing is not right
i'm giving you more time
you said go look for better
i'm willing to be tamed

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Kisah kita bagai impian

Banyak bedanya sudah kau tak ada disisi
Harian aku tidak berharum lagi
Hilang maknanya hidup karena sepi
Aku tidak ingin kau pergi
Sesudah kita lalui semua
Aku ingin kau tahu aku masih ada
Aku tetap kangen walau tak dengar suara
Cintaku bisa dikatakan dalam sejuta kata

Semoga kau sehat walau aku tidak ada disana
Aku tidak ingin melihat kau dirasa susah
Aku ingin kau selalu gembira
Aku tidak ingin melihat kau berduka
Aku memang ingin engkau saja
Biar semua orang bilang aku gila
Tidak ada maaf aku terasa
Karena hidupku tercipta untuk kau saja

Walau waktu kita begitu kurang
Aku akan sabar dan bertenang
Walau ada banyak tantangan
Aku masih akan hulurkan tangan
Walau kisah kita bagai impian
Aku tetap menunggu kehadiran
Walau nasib kita dipenuhi dengan selingan
Kitalah yang menentukan takdir kita


"inspired by someone...for someone..."

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